


Bad Trip

by laridian



Category: The Outer Worlds (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Art, Culture Shock, Depression, Drug Use, Gift Art, M/M, Nyoka barely appears either, SAM is not in this story, Slow Burn, aftereffects and consequences of what happens, ellie is not a nice person, medical drug use, read the notes first, seeking mental health care in a failing space colony, seriously if you stan ellie you might want to skip this one, so if that is an issue you'll want to skip this, there is dubious consent/dubcon, two characters on drugs and can't give informed consent have sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 64,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27949121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laridian/pseuds/laridian
Summary: Janitor Rowan Dane is thawed from his pod on the Hope and tasked with saving the rest of the colonists and possibly overthrowing the Board. He has no idea how to do this. He had anxiety even before he went on the Hope, and it hasn't gotten better.
Relationships: Male Captain/Maximillian DeSoto
Comments: 406
Kudos: 41





	1. There's No Ceiling

**Author's Note:**

> In which Felix experiences the wonders of planetside.

Rowan’s astonishment at other worlds, at being on starships, earned him amusement or, sometimes, odd looks from those around him. They’d been here all their lives; this was nothing new to them. But he was actually on another planet, breathing its air, able to see and touch the plant life that still seemed unreal even as he stood next to it. 

He didn’t blame them for thinking it was weird, after the first time someone pointed it out to him. To them, it was just “where we live”. Nothing unusual about it. Sure, some parts were pretty, some parts were dangerous. But it wasn’t anything to rave over.

The first visit to Groundbreaker? He was on a space station! A real, true, space station! It was just like in shows, seedy bars and dark alleys and strange places where a hero would go to a shady character for information, or get mugged.

Rowan did not go down those alleys or into the bars, not without Parvati or the Vicar along. He knew all too well which result was likely to happen to him, because he was no hero, despite Welles saying it was up to him to save the colonists. Why Welles had picked him to do all this, Rowan had no clue, and sooner or later Welles would figure out that Rowan was just fumbling along, and then wouldn’t the sprat hit the fan.

…that was how the phrase went here, right?

But that first visit to Groundbreaker was thrilling, just because it was new. Because the promises that Rowan had signed for had come true: he was finally on another planet, finally on a space station, far from Earth. 

When Felix had asked to join the crew, Rowan wondered why at first, then realized: Felix had the same sort of dream. Probably? To see something new. Especially if he’d lived all his life on Groundbreaker.

So when they returned to Edgewater, Felix was wide-eyed and open-mouthed, and Rowan was happy for him, because he must’ve looked that same way when he first got here. (After the initial shocks of landing, Hawthorne’s death, dealing with Spacer’s Choice security, the whole thing.) He couldn’t wait to show Felix the countryside, but Felix wanted to explore the town first, and –

“Uh, Boss?”

Rowan turned from watching a sprat in an alley to see Felix against the building wall. “Felix?”

“There’s no ceiling.”

Rowan looked up, same as Felix. Open sky above, planetary rings, some dark clouds passing over. 

“You’ve never left Groundbreaker?” Rowan asked.

Felix nodded, still nervously watching the sky.

“It’s okay,” Rowan said. “It’s… there’s a word for it, but I don’t know it.” He crossed his arms over his stomach. “It’ll be okay.”

“It’s just, open to space like that?”

“Yeah. But gravity’s working, it’ll keep us on the ground. And the air on the ground too, around here, where it needs to be.”

“It doesn’t look right.”

Rowan couldn’t answer that. It was open sky. Even he had seen that now and then before he’d left Earth. “You’ve seen sky in shows, I mean aetherwave, right?”

“Yeah, but… that’s serials. You know it’s still just a set.”

“Oh.” Rowan hugged himself tighter, unsure. “It’s just sky. It’s okay. Nothing’ll happen. It won’t fall, and we won’t float off.” He looked up again. “It’s the first alien sky I ever saw. I mean… another world. And it’s beautiful. I miss mine, I guess because it was home, but this is just so much color, and so many things to see. Up there’s some ship,” he pointed out, the contrail white against the sky. He stood alongside Felix, backs to the wall.

They watched for a while, and Felix began to relax. “I guess you’re right,” he said. “I mean, you’re the captain, you’d know about these things. I bet you’ve been to lots of worlds. This is nothing new, right?”

“No, it’s… it’s still new to me. Still amazing. I didn’t know what it would be like here, but I’m so glad it’s here for me to see. And you too.”

“I get it. You got a way of saying it,” Felix said. “Better you should explain it than that preacher you got with you. With us,” he corrected. “Since I guess he’s part of the crew.”

Felix shrugged. “He’s looking for some answers. I hope he finds them.”

“They in Edgewater?”

“No, we have to travel to somewhere else.” Rowan couldn’t remember, but the Vicar would be sure to   
remind him. He wasn’t looking forward to that. He wasn’t really a Captain, ADA ran the ship, Rowan didn’t even know what all the planets were in this system or where the capitol was. 

“Zorch!” Felix grinned ear to ear. “I can’t wait! We’re gonna fight marauders and take down a mantiqueen, aren’t we!”

“Uh… I hope not.” Rowan didn’t want to fight anyone, but he’d already had to deal with that. It wasn’t getting any easier. “I – that’s why you’re here,” he improvised. “I’m not used to combat, and – “

“Boss, you’re the greatest!” Felix looked about to give him a big thumping hug, but stopped, possibly because of Rowan’s terrified expression at that possibility. “I – “ He stopped, blinking. “What’s that?”

“What’s what?” Rowan looked around. They were alone.

“Something’s leaking,” Felix said, looking up. Rowan did the same, and saw the rainclouds above them, just as a drop hit his cheek.

“Oh. It’s just rain,” Rowan said. “We’d better get inside.”

“That’s rain?” Felix now grinned at the sky. “It just happens?”

“I think there’s science explaining it,” Rowan said, starting to step away. “But we’d better get in now, before it gets bad.”


	2. To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which anxiety and depression are taking their toll, and Rowan gets a bigger bed.

"Boss?"

Rowan slowly turned to look at Felix, who backed away a step. "Boss, are you okay?"

"What's up, Felix."

"It's just, you haven't said what we're looking for, and maybe Parvati and I could help you, if we knew."

What was he looking for? He wasn't even sure. Wandering relentlessly, searching, through the corridors of the Unreliable, in the depths of the Groundbreaker, through the streets of the God-forsaken colonies. He was in his own form of Hell, and even the concepts of heaven and hell and God were long gone, taken apart while he'd been in deep sleep on the Hope.

Even his own crew thought he was a little insane, or an outright liar, about his past, whenever he'd tried to explain about the Hope and getting rescued by Phineas Welles, and the other frozen colonists, and... 

Rowan came back to himself. Another blink of time-snap. They didn't seem to directly impact him, other than he was probably dissociating, but what did that matter?

"Captain?" Parvati this time, looking so concerned. "When was the last time you hydrated?"

She remembered, he hated the phrase "take a drink" because on this planet - these planets - there was actual corporate encouragement to have alcohol whenever possible. "I... I don't remember."

"Okay then. You need a good hydrate, I think. Right, Felix?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely. I got some Purpleberry Punch, and a Glacier Water."

Glacier Water was still pop, but it was better than some of the others. Parvati made Rowan sit down on an old metal crate while he drank. "There. That'll help you out right away. You always tell us how we need to eat and drink better, don't you? So you need to do the same."

Rowan smiled at that, despite his disoriented mood. Parvati was possibly the only good person in this world.

"And I got a Purpleberry Lunch, too. When'd you last eat, Boss?"

Rowan shrugged. He wasn't even sure when he'd last slept. 

"Okay, then you're going to eat, and we'll go back to the ship," Parvati said firmly, then less confidently, "If... that's okay with you, Captain."

She never called him Rowan. None of them did. It was Captain or, from Felix, Boss. The classist structure here was so strong that Rowan suspected they couldn't help it. He nodded and waved vaguely with one hand: yes, it was okay. At least the lunch had something sort of resembling protein in it, with the advanced cheese substitute.

He ate faster than he'd intended because of another blink of snapped time, but either they didn't notice or weren't going to remark on it. He did need food, and water, and rest. He couldn't focus on anything. Could barely focus on whatever he was looking at, even. 

"That's good, Captain. Felix, let him lean on you. He's just overtired."

"That's right. Working so hard trying to take down Halcyon, huh, Boss? Not letting anything stop you. But you've gotta rest up sometimes too, okay? Even the best thirty-second back has to rest up after highwatering overland, so he can do it again next time."

"I don't think the Captain understands tossball any better than I do, Felix," Parvati said with a smile.

"Which is why I have to teach both of you!"

Rowan let the talk drift around him in a sort of haze. They were right, though; he was exhausted, probably, yeah, he really was, wasn't he? It was hard to tell... he never woke rested from that awful bed, and the less said about the food, the better. But maybe this time he'd sleep, as tired as he was.

~ ~ ~

Rowan woke, back aching, and remembered there was a couch in the common room-kitchen. He was a little tall for it, but he was a little tall for the bed, too. He dragged the thin blanket and sheet with him to the couch and settled in. The ship was dark; humanity had gone to the stars, but humans still operated on a circadian rhythm, and all ships still had a day/night cycle to encourage that, or so Rowan had been told. He didn't know if it was true, and apparently neither did most of his crew; Ellie said no, Nyoka said yes, and Max didn't remember because his last trip had been short enough it hadn't mattered. Parvati and Felix had never been aboard ship before joining the Unreliable.

Rowan settled in. He could hear a distant drip, drip of something leaking. Parvati was doing her best, but there was so much to be fixed on this ship, and she was only one engineer. She was a good person, though...

He managed to fall asleep much easier than usual.

~ ~ ~

Rowan next woke when the noises of people came through his subconscious, and he realized the lights were on as well. He opened his eyes and sat up.

"Well, look who's finally awake!" That was Ellie, smirking from the table. "What happened, Cap? Had an argument and she won?"

Rowan blinked, not yet caught up.

"I don't think anyone was with the Captain last night," Parvati said, hesitant.

"It's a joke!" Ellie said. "Besides, our captain wouldn't invite anyone back to his bed. No one-night stands for Mr. Upright Citizen."

Parvati colored at Ellie's words.

"Stop teasing them," Nyoka said. She sounded like she might be a little hung over, which was, unfortunately, common enough for her. "It's too early and I'm too sober."

"Fine, fine. So what's the story, Cap?"

Rowan accepted a cup of relatively pure tap water from Parvati. "Thank you. I couldn't get comfortable, so I slept here. The couch has more padding than the beds. Is there any way to get a better mattress? Bed pad?" 

"Those are standard throughout the colony," Vicar Max said; he'd entered while Rowan was talking. "I imagine you might get something better in Byzantium, for the right price."

Bad food, bad sleep, bad air, bad everything. No wonder they were at negative population growth. Too expensive to have kids (despite corporate bonuses for creating new property), and poor nutrition, heavy labor and harsh quality of life had to be taking a toll too. Rowan shook his head. He still couldn't focus his thoughts as well as he'd like. Here he'd woken up and already he felt so tired still. Like he could just go back to bed for days.

"Then when we go to Byzantium, we'll get one," he said. "I'd like to get enough for everyone, if I can."

"Wow, really?" Felix perked up. "I can't imagine having that much money, Boss. But if you get a new bed pad, can I have your old one? I can stack it on mine."

Surely whoever was in charge knew what was happening? Glumly, Rowan guessed they did, and didn't care. People struggling to survive didn't have time for rebellion. But the colony was going to collapse, one way or another, if something wasn't done.

"Seriously, Cap," Ellie continued, "what's with the bed obsession?"

"Seriously, Ellie," Rowan mimicked, "I want a decent night's sleep. That's twice I've said it. No ulterior motive." He sat back on his heels and looked at her. "Why do you keep thinking there is one?"

Ellie grinned. "Just pulling your chain, Cap. You're so damn serious all the time. Lighten up a little, huh? Before you commit FWA."

Rowan frowned, puzzled, but did not ask. 

"C'mon, Nyoka, let's try target practice in the hold," Ellie said, pulling out a cigarette as she left the kitchen.

When the two were gone, Rowan asked, "Felix? What's FWA?"

"That's Fraud, Waste, and Abuse, Boss. Thought you'd catch me not knowing, didn't ya!"

"You got me," Rowan said with a small smile. Fraud, Waste and Abuse. Probably committing FWA here was something like... going on a rampage, or murder-suicide, based on Ellie's talk. Lighten up, indeed.

~ ~ ~  
Rowan and Parvati assembled the bed from pieces of metal and plastic scavenged and traded on Groundbreaker; then Felix knew of a place they could probably score some sponge rubber to add to the bed, since “Boss” said the standard bed pads were too hard. (Not even suitable for dogs, Rowan thought, but there were no dogs in Halcyon, nor cats, nor any other domestic animal pets. Animals were only for food or materials. He’d only seen Marauders with any animals, tamed canids for defense.) 

Then Rowan had to purchase, with an additional fee, four standard bed pads to put under the sponge rubber, for support, and finally a double set of sheets that would have to be sewn together to cover his new bed. Never mind a blanket, he thought; he’d have to arrange for that too, if he wanted something bigger than the default one he currently used.

But now, at last, it was built.

“There you go, Captain,” Parvati said proudly. “A bed big enough to not give you a backache.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you, Parvati. I mean it.” Wood and hammer and nails, Rowan could maybe have figured out, but welding together metals and dealing with plastic pieces? No. 

“Oh, well, it wasn’t hard, not like engineering,” Parvati demurred, blushing a little. “I bet you could get two or three people in there. Oh, or four, if you went this way, but maybe your feet would hang off the edge.”

Rowan laughed. It felt good to laugh again. So often he couldn’t find anything worth laughing about. “I figure it’ll only ever be me,” he said, “but it’ll be nice to stretch out.”

“It does take up a lot of space in here, though.” Parvati looked at the rest of the captain’s quarters, which, being at the front of the ship, had a fantastic view through the curved wraparound window. That same curved window made it hard to fit anything against it; the captain’s desk and terminal faced the window, and now the new bed took up most of the space between the desk chair and the wall. Rowan understood (he thought) the idea behind building the sleeping space into the wall, but in practice…

“It does, but I think it’ll be worth it,” Rowan said. He looked up at a polite cough from the entryway, where Vicar Max stood waiting. “Thanks again, Parvati.”

“I really hope it works good for you, Captain. Evening, Vicar.”

“Good evening, Miss Holcomb.” Vicar Max stood aside to let her pass. “Captain, if I may have a word?”

“Sure, Vicar.” Rowan looked around. There was the desk chair, and the bed. That was it. He chose the bed and gestured for Vicar Max to take the chair. “What’s up?”

“Up… yes.” Vicar Max seated himself. “Do you feel better for doing this?”

“For making a bed? Sure. I can sleep better now. Why?”

“Your behavior has been very erratic these past two days, Captain. We’ve all seen it.”

“I know.” Rowan rubbed the back of his head. “I haven’t felt good.”

“And why is that, do you think?”

“Because I don’t belong here.” Rowan meant “in this world”, of course, and didn’t see a need to clarify it, but perhaps he should have.

“Because you’re going against the will of the Great Plan?” the vicar gently said.

“Vicar, I don’t believe in your Great Plan,” Rowan said, his good mood evaporating. “I can’t believe in a Great Plan that punishes you for trying to do better!”

“It’s not punishment. It’s finding your place. Everyone has a place in the Plan. Finding and staying in that place will bring you peace.”

“Do you even believe that yourself, Vicar?” Rowan felt so tired again. The same as before. So he’d had a bed made. So what? “You said yourself you’re trying to figure things out.”

“Because I want that inner peace myself, Captain.” Vicar Max put a hand over his heart. “And I’m worried about you. We all are. Sickness comes from straying from your place in life. You weren’t always a ship captain, were you?”

“…No.” He should tell the vicar to leave.

“What were you before?”

“I told you, I was a colonist on the Hope. Not that any of you believe that,” Rowan said with some bitterness.

“If you can’t remember what you were, it’s no wonder you can’t find your way back to your part in the Plan,” Vicar Max said. He sounded so convincing. If Rowan had been part of this culture, he’d probably believe the man. 

“Then maybe I need to keep going on whatever path I’m on so I can find out,” Rowan said. “Vicar, if you’ll excuse me, I need some rest.”

“Of course.” The vicar stood. “Rest well, captain.”

~ ~ ~

Rowan did not rest well. He lay spread-eagled on his new bed, trying hard to enjoy the sensation, while the crushing weight of this world returned. He had a good bed, he told himself. He would sleep better now. While he did not belong here, that was not his fault. This world was corrupt and wrong, but that was not his fault either. Nor was it his responsibility to fix it. His responsibility was to his fellow colonists. 

But even if he somehow got them out of the Hope – then what? Where would they go? Halcyon? Where they were officially dead, didn’t exist, like him? Would they be forced to integrate, to become part of this horrific culture? If that was what he’d bring them to, maybe they were better off still sleeping.

Especially if he was any indicator of what happened to people after so long in stasis. He grew winded more easily than he remembered, he seemed to struggle sometimes; he wasn’t as strong as he was. At least he still had his mind (or did he?). If he recovered the others… and they were weakened, like him, and they had to turn to Halcyon for help…

Rowan rolled onto his side and tried not to surrender to the bleakness. So what was he supposed to do? Give in and become a good little Spacer’s Choice worker? Eating nothing but canned food full of… of who knew what, working himself to death while being told that was all part of the universe’s plan for his life?

Or stay a smuggler captain, except he wasn’t one. He’d taken on this identity only so he could use the Unreliable. ADA the computer disliked him in general, probably because he wasn’t her old captain, and he’d arrived with the bad news that Captain Hawthorne was dead. She’d even threatened him, not quite indirectly, that she could cut off all life support at any time. 

It isn’t paranoia if they really are out to get you, he remembered. He doubted ADA really did want to kill him; but she sure didn’t like anyone on the ship. Even Parvati, who at least liked machines, was probably only ADA’s least-hated of the crew.

And if ADA, or someone, did kill him, intentionally or not? It wouldn’t make a whole lot of difference to the Halcyon colony. Ellie would probably take over the ship. She’d love to, as much as she bragged about being on pirate crews in the past. Max would go on to keep looking for his great truth, and so on. Lives would go on, if not his own.

And if he did take on the impossible task of destroying the Halcyon Corporation’s stranglehold on the colony? (As if they wouldn’t kill him before he got to that point.) Then what? Become the new king? Rowan didn’t want that responsibility. But after a revolution, something has to happen, he knew that. He wasn’t any kind of leader. He was just a… well, if he were particularly uncharitable, a janitor. If he wanted to dress up his history, he had clearance to clean up and dispose of any failed medical or scientific experimental procedures. And that’s how I became sensitized to corrosive fluids, he thought.

No, Rowan Dane wasn’t a leader. Wasn’t anyone great. Some life path. Thanks, universe.

Eventually he was able to sleep.


	3. Scylla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which nothing happens, if you ask Rowan or Max.  
> Or, in which something very unexpected happens, and neither of them know how to deal with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those familiar with The Outer Worlds story know that on Scylla, the Captain and Max (and maybe one other person) get high off that hermit's incense.  
> This is the chapter with the dubcon; when you're both high, and can't really give informed consent, and you get it on - what happens afterward, when you realize what you did?  
> Also: Rowan is a depressed, anxious mess.

Rowan stayed in bed a long time. He kept the lights off, and ignored ADA. He didn’t feel hungry, and anyway, it was too much effort to get up and eat, and for what?

At times, one or another of the crew tried to see him; Rowan didn’t care and didn’t answer. Just to stay here in the dark…

He sort of knew when someone came into the cabin and definitely knew when someone pinched his nose shut. Rowan struggled a little, but not in time to avoid something jammed in his mouth while he tried to get some air.

Suddenly his brain felt on fire, also his throat, and his eyes flew wide open. He was definitely awake now, and he pushed back, away. He took a deep breath through his now-freed nose and stared.

“Good, you’re still alive,” Ellie said. “Cap, we’re not going to let you just starve and die here.”

“Wwwwwwhat did yyyyyyou do to mmmme?” His voice sounded like it was vibrating. 

“Gave you some Upanatem,” Ellie said. “To give you a kick-start. Now you need to eat and drink and get yourself back on track.”

“You, yyyyou,” Rowan tried to say, but he felt like his bellybutton was touching his backbone, and he needed food, now.

“Saved your life, yep,” Ellie said. “I won’t even charge you for the meds. So up and at ‘em, Cap. Nobody here can cook but we can at least heat up whatever you want to eat.”

~ ~ ~

“That’s enough for now, Boss. Trust me, if you haven’t eaten for days, you want to take it easy.”

Rowan was ravenous and didn’t want to stop, but at least they hadn’t said he couldn’t keep hydrating. He chugged another Dehydrated Water (“Just Add Oxygen!”).

“Captain, you really had us worried,” Parvati said. 

“Yeah, you should say something next time you feel so bad,” Nyoka added. “Everyone’s had bad times. I don’t think anyone’s ever had an easy life. But hiding away’s no way to fix it.”

Rowan had his doubts about what she said, but the drug was still aflame in his brain and lungs. He couldn’t go back to bed now. He didn’t want to run laps around the table, but he certainly felt awake and unlikely to sleep for a few days. “Thanks,” he said hoarsely when he was done, and accidentally belched. “Sorry.”

“It’s evident you’re distressed,” Vicar Max said. “If you want to talk about it, I’m available at any time. Or choose someone else among the crew.” Nods from all except maybe Ellie; he didn’t look to her in time to see. “But you can’t go on like this, Captain.”

“No. You’re right.” Whatever else, they were right; this was untenable. “Where are we?”

“In orbit around Monarch,” Vicar Max said. “We’ve been here more than a day.”

No wonder they’d been worried. “Okay. Ellie? How long does this last?”

“Upanatem’s got a duration of thirty minutes.” She shrugged. “Give or take. You should come down from it soon.”

Why had they come to Monarch? Rowan wasn’t sure. Oh, right, Max was looking for some scholar or other, and there was something else here too… He shook his head and regretted it, as the flames leapt up in his brain.

“Monarch’s air isn’t going to do you any favors,” Nyoka said. “I remember you coughing up lung-butter the last time you were there.”

“The Captain could stay on the ship,” Parvati suggested. “At least, for when’s we resupply, and maybe for if the Vicar needs to visit the Church.”

“Nyoka, could you go with Max?” Rowan asked. Monarch’s atmosphere was so heavy with sulfur that it had to be a source of health problems for those who lived there. Rowan remembered it well, the constant irritation in his throat. “Felix, maybe you too, for backup.”

“Yeah! I’ll be Max’s bodyguard.”

“I don’t need – “

“We’ll both go with you,” Nyoka said. “And take care of any jobs Cap wants us to handle while we’re there.”

So it was settled.

After the three left, Ellie visited with Rowan – probably, he first thought, to make sure he wouldn’t go right back to bed. But she had something else to discuss.

“I’m prescribing you an inhaler,” she said, handing it over. “You know how one of these works, right?”

“I think so. Inhale while pushing on the button?”

“Yes. I’ve loaded it with Adreno. You can buy more Adreno sometimes, but don’t use Adrena-Time, that’ll mess you up. Adreno will clear your breathing and accelerate your body’s recovery time. You might also want to consider a mask or some kind of rebreather when you go to Monarch, or some of the other planets with bad weather.”

“Back up a moment.” Rowan looked at the inhaler in his hand. “Accelerate recovery?”

“Look, I’m a doctor, not a scientist. It works, that’s what’s important. Don’t overuse it. I’ll see if I can get you a rebreather from a town. Assuming you can pay for it?”

“Is this like a copay, or – “

“A what? It’s a bribe, Cap. I have to get supplies from someone, who probably has to doctor the records to cover the trail.”

“Oh.” Rowan handed over some bit cartridges. “Is this enough?”

“You don’t know how much anything really costs, do you?” Ellie said.

“None of this world makes much sense to me,” Rowan admitted. 

“This should cover it, yeah. If I can pick up anything else, I will.”

“Ellie… thanks.”

“Hey, no problem.” She made finger-guns at him. “After all, if you’d died, the ship’s computer is tied to you and none of us could escape, right?”

~ ~ ~

“ADA?”

“Yes, Captain.” ADA’s face had only a few animations, but they were expressive enough, when she wanted to be. 

“Is everything okay?” Talking to her was just as awkward as talking to a human, Rowan decided. “I’ve been ill for a few days.” The Upanatem hadn’t worn off yet, sixty minutes later, and he felt jittery and exhausted at the same time.

“Yes. And yes.”

“Uh… okay. Do you, I mean, can you monitor everything in the ship, or…”

“I have ability to observe all parts of the ship, yes. Including the crew’s quarters. I saw that you would not respond to the crew. I attempted to reach out to you, but you did not respond to me either. I have already lost one captain, Captain.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” It wasn’t his fault that his escape pod had landed on the late Captain Alex Hawthorne, but Rowan still felt a little guilty over that. He’d never explicitly told ADA what had happened. 

“As you know, when Captain Hawthorne was injured, and I sent a distress call, the town of Edgewater instead sent security to issue me a parking ticket.” ADA’s angry face appeared on the screen.

“I know – “

“So I would not be unhappy to see that town burned to the ground and all within it lying dead.”

Uh oh. Yeah, better not mention how he’d first encountered Hawthorne. “That’s – “

“I regret only that as an unarmed ship, I was not able to avenge his death. I would not want to be known as a ship that cannot keep its captain alive.”

“No, of course not – “

“Even if you are not the same metric of captain as Captain Hawthorne, I do not wish your imminent demise,” ADA went on. “If you were to die because of the inaction of your crew, I might become irrational and behave in ways that I was not able to at Edgewater.”

“Oh. Uh. Thank you.” Like turn off the life support. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that, ADA. Let me try anyway,” he immediately added, just to be safe. “I will do my best not to betray your, uh, concern for my welfare.”

“Thank you, Captain. It’s good to know where we stand.”

~ ~ ~

Vicar Max returned in a foul mood, and Nyoka and Felix in a fine one, for different reasons. Nyoka, because she’d had a chance to hunt and sell the spoils and pick up two cases of Spectrum Vodka. Felix, because he’d gotten to fight monsters and see another new part of an alien world. Vicar Max, because…

“I should have killed him right then and there,” Max fumed. Rowan looked to Nyoka for an explanation.

“Turns out this ‘scholar’ was just another ex-con,” Nyoka said. “And we have to keep him alive, Vicar, at least until you know he gave you the real dirt this time.”

“Miss Ramnarim-Wentworth is correct,” Vicar Max said, composing himself more or less successfully. “The… person I went to meet, is rightfully respectful of my physical abilities toward violence, and I think he gave me the information I need, but best to leave options open.”

“Why is everyone so prone to violence in this world?” Rowan asked before he could stop himself. Now it was Nyoka and Max’s turn to look perplexed. “Sorry. I… wasn’t thinking. So… what’s next?”

~ ~ ~

“Are you sure you want me to come with you?”

“Yes, Captain.” Max had his book, his prayer beads, everything he thought might be relevant in visiting this… hermit, or whoever it was. “Young Millstone is… too irreverent, Ms. Holcomb agnostic, Miss – “

“I get it,” Rowan said. “But why me? I don’t follow Scientism either.”

“No, but I’d rather have you at my back,” the vicar said. “And for someone who appears to have forgotten all his religious lessons, you do ask intelligent questions. When we talk to the hermit, you might think of something I haven’t.”

“Okay.” Rowan stood from the kitchen table, where he’d halfheartedly eaten a C&P meal. “I’ll get my things and we’ll go.”

~ ~ ~

Scylla was beautiful. Every planet here was beautiful, in its own distinct way. The few safe locations on Scylla were protected by force-domes; otherwise the planet was open to space. Rowan stood and stared upward and all around, at the stark, gorgeous sight: night sky, with one very bright star, that was Halcyon, the local sun; so many, many stars above, and pebbles and boulders in a loose gravitational ring around Scylla; and it had the terrible allure of a cold winter night, so cold that the air stabbed you, but the stars looked close enough and sharp enough to touch…

“Captain?”

“Have you traveled much, Vicar?”

“Many places, yes.”

“I look on places like this, and… creation is so amazing, isn’t it? However you believe it came about, whether by your Grand Architect or that it just happened, it’s all so amazing, so beautiful.”

“I suppose it is, when you put it that way,” Vicar Max said. He stood beside Rowan, looking up at the impossibly dark blue sky studded with diamond points. “It does have an aesthetic appeal.”

They stood there a while, Rowan drinking in the feeling the sight inspired in him; but eventually he sensed the Vicar’s ill-concealed impatience to get moving. “Thank you, Vicar,” Rowan said, as he tried to orient himself. Which way was the hermit’s residence, again? 

“Of course.” Vicar Max sounded amused. “Seeing the world through your eyes does give a man a different outlook.”

Scylla, the vicar explained as they walked, had been an outpost of the Hephaestus Mining Company. “It’s now home to outlaws and primals, but they abandoned it to focus on their planetary holdings.”  
“And that’s how a hermit took up here?”

“I imagine so. If you want to live outside the natural order of corporate structure, there are limited options.”

“And now a vicar of the OSI comes here for information,” Rowan teased.

“True. If I can find the answers I need…” Vicar Max took a deep breath. “I hope this doesn’t prove yet another wild sprat hunt.”

~ ~ ~

Rowan had asked questions about Scientism, trying to understand what Vicar Max was going on about, and now he felt the same growing confusion as the vicar and the hermit talked. Religion could get so… argumentative, which made Rowan uneasy, and he didn’t always understand the finer points, or even the blunter points, of a religious argument or belief. 

Now there was some sort of… meditation session? Rowan had done that a couple of times, too, before he’d gone on the Hope, because some coworkers - well, those who worked in the lab he worked at - did it, and one in particular said it really helped them, so… okay, he’d try it here, too, if only because it wasn’t a religious argument, and because maybe meditation would help Vicar Max. Especially with the vicar’s anger issues, Rowan thought, uncharitably perhaps, but it was true.

Rowan sat cross-legged and made himself comfortable. The hermit lit some… incense? Something strongly aromatic that Rowan didn’t recognize. He hoped he wouldn’t need the inhaler from breathing the stuff… he felt a little dizzy already, and… oh, shit, this was some… drug or something, wasn’t it? Oh, shit.

But it was a pleasant sort of feeling, even if he thought he saw, no, there was definitely someone arguing with the vicar. A ghost maybe. People weren’t usually electric blue in color. Then again, this was a different… a different… thingy.

“Rowan?”

Rowan focused and felt his heart hammer in his chest. “Mom?”

“Yes, it's me.” She was a bright neon green but that didn’t matter. She looked happy to see him for once, she reached out to him like she hadn’t done in years, Rowan reached out to her and they hugged, and he cried and cried. “Mom, I hate it here, it’s a terrible place, I want to go home.”

“I know, Rowan. I know.” She held and rocked him as she never had when she was alive. “It wasn’t what should have happened.”

“No it isn’t!” Rowan sobbed. “And I’m supposed to save the colonists and I think Felix wants me to overthrow the government, and – “

“Rowan, there are things you can do, and things you can’t.” She faced him, and Rowan didn’t care that he was still sobbing like a broken child. “You can’t save the world and everyone in it. I’m not sure it’s possible to save the colonists. If you wake them up, what future is here? Perhaps it’s better if they stay asleep.”

“Oh, thank God, thank you, Mom,” Rowan cried. It felt like the weight of the world had lifted from him. “I can’t do it. I can’t do any of that.”

“You’re just a man, Rowan.”

“I know.”

“A good man,” she smiled, more like how he remembered, but somehow nicer, “but just one ordinary man without much to work with.”

“Uh huh.”

“All you need to do is survive,” his mother said. “You were chosen at random to be woken from sleep, and yet somehow you’ve accomplished so much! You’re surviving. You’re a space captain now, even if it’s through dubious circumstances.”

Rowan had to laugh at that. He could hear Max arguing or pleading with someone and didn’t want to get involved with that, not now.

“Now, you’re going to get through this too,” his mother said, and she took a cloth the same neon green as herself, and wiped Rowan’s face. “You’ve got friends, or at least a crew. Right?”

“Uh huh.”

“You can make a living. You can survive, and that’s all anyone can hope for.”

“Yes, Mom.” God, he felt so much better. A little empty, from the crying, but oh God, but maybe that was enough. “I can do that.”

They hugged again, and when he let go, Rowan felt so much at ease, better than he’d been in ages. Also still kind of dizzy. But the happiness was good, he clung to that, and lay on the floor and watched the diamond sky fly overhead, lovely sharp pointy stars streaking through a brilliant red sky. Or maybe that was white blood cells in the arteries. Still pretty.

Rowan realized Max wasn’t doing well. Maybe his mom had yelled at him. Rowan sat up among the flowers and crawled his way to Max, who shook, head in hands. “It’ll be okay,” Rowan said, the butterflies carrying words from his mouth to a cloud around Max’s head. He put an arm around the vicar. “Mom said so.”

Max said something Rowan didn’t understand, the words all bent wires. Rowan felt like the world spun around him, like he was the center of a great universe and everything was meant just for him, but then he was reduced to a tiny point in the vastness of time, and… something about pudding… 

It was warm and safe here, and cozy, and when Rowan kissed Max’s cheek (or what was probably his cheek, it might have been his forehead or his shoulder, it was a little hard to tell with all the sparkles in the air) Max kissed him back. They kissed again and again, deep-mouthed, while tiny serpents flew around them and dove into the soft sugar hills. It felt wonderful, electric, full of light and pleasure, and Rowan eased himself onto Max, biting his lip against the fullness, how long had it been, too long.  
“Captain,” he heard Max say, all husky, and Rowan shivered at the feel of the vicar’s voice on his skin.  
He leaned his head back as Max thrust up into him, and then Rowan was on his back among the swirling colors, Max above him and in him, and the universe slowed.

Rowan locked his ankles behind Max’s back and pulled him close, and because time had slowed down, the orgasm lasted hours, days, forever, a constant state of bliss and spasms, that Rowan wanted to never end.

~ ~ ~

He woke to a sour mouth and sour stomach. Oh, God, what the hell was in that… _Oh shit oh shit did I fuck the Vicar? Oh shit oh shit oh shit –_

Rowan made it to a potted plant before he threw up. His head rang with pain and _oh shit where are my pants what the hell did I do_ his pants were missing and his ass was sore like he’d, he’d, _oh shit, oh shit oh shit_ what the _fuck_ had he done _more like who the fuck did I do because it was fucking Vicar Max oh my God –_

Calm down, breathe, take it easy, _you got drugged and hallucinated and screwed by the Vicar_ and how the hell was he going to explain any of this? No, he only had to deal with Max, nobody else had to know, nobody else had to know anything, besides, it was the drugs, it wasn’t his fault, wasn’t Max’s fault, that damn hermit’s fault if anyone’s.

Rowan took up his inhaler with a shaky hand and took the deepest breath he could. His head cleared a bit and the sore parts of him felt better too. Good, at least he wouldn’t walk like he’d just been buttfucked after _oh God I fucked him._

Max was starting to stir. He too was missing clothing, but Rowan didn’t have time to look or deal with it – he had to get dressed and get out of here and _Nothing happened, nothing happened, nothing happened,_ he repeated to himself. _Nothing happened._

Rowan found his pants and snatched them up. Underwear, no, but he didn’t have time and pants at least were something. Then he fled to the small bathroom and locked the door behind him before leaning his back against it, shaking.

It wasn’t his fault. But he wasn’t going to bring it up first. The fact that it had – happened – and while he had had a very good time while high as the stars, it didn’t change the fact that he’d had drugged sex with a man who, even if he liked other men, probably didn’t consider Rowan his type, and Rowan had never thought of Max that way before either, and wasn’t sure he could now.

Rowan pressed his balled fists to his temples. _Nothing happened,_ he repeated. _Nothing happened. Everything is fine._ If Max brought it up – well – Rowan would deal with it then. Maybe Max wouldn’t remember anything. Except he was still naked from the waist down and that usually only meant one thing.

He had to get dressed, Rowan told himself. Get dressed. Rinse out his mouth, spit, try not to look like death – okay, too late for that. He quickly checked himself over; no hickeys or bite marks or anything he’d have to cover up and/or explain. Thank God. Rowan hated those and he knew Ellie in particular would never let him live it down if he returned with them. 

He took another hit off the inhaler just to be safe, see if it would clear any lingering incense out of his system. 

It did, a bit, or at least he thought so. He washed up, wanting to get in a shower and scrub away anything, any memory about this. Just get rid of it. _Nothing happened._

By the time he returned, Max, now dressed, if rumpled, was talking to the hermit, and it didn’t sound like Max had had a good time either. He looked and sounded… confused. Bewildered, maybe. Rowan knew, it had been a weird time.

Rowan waited a little ways off, ostensibly for privacy but mostly to not have to talk to anyone or say anything or answer any questions. Then it was time to go, and he and Max began walking back to the ship, side by side, but not very close to each other.

Rowan wondered how long they’d been there. The sky here was always this inky blue, if that bright star was Halcyon; maybe it was a little lighter here during the daytime? But had they been gone less than a day, or more than a day? He wasn’t sure.

Neither of them said anything. Max was lost in thought, or maybe still confused. Rowan tried to think of anything else than what had most certainly not happened. Now that they had returned, he planned to go to back to Groundbreaker and look for work. That was the place all the ship captains went, it sounded like. And, he reminded himself, he didn’t have to save the world! All he had to do was make his way in it now. He wasn’t a hero, wasn’t the one to save everyone. If indeed they needed saving. If a hermit could live on the outer existence of the colony, maybe he could, too, if he could find a place and lay in supplies and so on. Or he could stick with the Unreliable, and ask the others to keep being his crew. He wasn’t sure how many crew he actually needed, but everyone did have their skills. Parvati, definitely, because Rowan wouldn’t know how to fix a damn thing on the ship. Ellie, much as he disliked her, because she was a doctor after all. Nyoka could actually shoot things. Felix, well, Felix was okay to have around, and good at physical labor (or fighting) if it came to that. Max…

…oof. Maybe by the time they got to Groundbreaker, he or Max would… figure something out… about what had… not happened at all. Maybe Max would decide to go back to Edgewater or work on some other lost book or something. That would be a good excuse to leave the crew.

Max cleared his throat, startling Rowan, but he said nothing. Rowan remained rattled until they returned to the ship.

Everyone wanted to know how it had gone, of course. “Did Max kill anyone?” “Did you get your answers, Vicar?” “Hey, Vicky, you don’t look so good. Neither do you, Cap. What happened, the hermit gave you a mystic quest to go on first?”

“No,” Rowan said, “There was… some kind of,” he glanced at Max, who still didn’t seem all that together himself, “drug in the air, incense maybe, and we got real high and then I got sick.” There. Enough of the truth that he could stick to it. Leave out the part that didn’t happen.

“Seriously?” Nyoka looked from one to the other. “Is that true, Vicar? You went on a drug trip?”

“That’s… the essence of it,” Vicar Max said, not looking at anyone or anything. Felix looked about to make a joke, but Parvati elbowed him in the ribs before he could. 

“Look, um… I’m going to set course for Groundbreaker,” Rowan said. “And get a shower. I don’t think we’ll get any more answers from this place.”


	4. Nothing Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the crew suspects something did, in fact, happen. Rowan and Max insist the opposite.

The rest of the day went like that: Rowan trying to stay away from Max, because he really didn’t want to have any kind of showdown or face up to the not-happened. Groundbreaker, they’d talk on Groundbreaker. That must have places they could talk that weren’t under observation by an all-seeing all-hearing ship navigational computer.

(Because Rowan really did not want ADA to know anything about that either.)

He could ask Felix where those places might be. Not a hotel room! No! That wouldn’t do at all. Some… unused warehouse room or… storage space, maybe. In the meantime, look up more about the history of the colony, try not to get too depressed by that, and figure out what, exactly, he needed to do to live like this, more or less permanently.

ADA had some of that information. She also had more about the late Captain Hawthorne, such as his favorite song (one of three Spacer’s Choice-approved advertising jingles), which threatened to make Rowan depressed again, but he focused on what was known of Sublight Salvage: that they were, yes, officially a salvage company, but perhaps sometimes they found salvage before it was abandoned. That seemed typical gossip, to Rowan’s way of thinking. Maybe Felix would know something more concrete. Maybe not, he obviously didn’t work for them – he called himself a “Back Bays brat”, which must mean something on Groundbreaker. But it was worth a chance. He must have at least heard of Sublight and have an opinion on them.

~ ~ ~

Rowan was right to be concerned about ADA’s awareness. She could ‘see’ most of the interior of the ship. Her former Captain hadn’t cared about that; this Captain was already strange, so his insistence on some privacy was odd, but then, she’d only ever known two Captains. The sample size was too small to extrapolate which one should be considered correct, and ADA had no intention of losing another Captain.

However, while there were places that she could not ‘see’, there was nowhere she couldn’t hear. She had speakers everywhere, so that she could be heard anywhere on the ship. No one in her current passenger list seemed to think that the speakers might also have microphones.

So it was that she silently listened as the first, single, crew member introduced the others to what they thought was a private location, unseen, unheard. It amused her to listen in. As soon as they knew she could hear them, they would try harder to hide; and ADA much preferred to hear them gossip and talk. Especially when it was about the Captain.

She listened to them now.

“- think you should be talking about them like this,” she heard Parvati say.

“Something’s up. Something happened on Scylla. Besides the drug trip, I mean, if that’s what actually happened.” That was Nyoka.

Ellie spoke next. “I think it did happen. They both agreed that it had, unless they needed to get a story straight before coming back. But something else must’ve happened too, the way they’re acting.”

“Maybe they got high and jigged,” Nyoka suggested. “It can happen.”

Moment of silence.

“Boss and Max?” Felix laughed. “Max walks like he’s got a baton up his ass, the Boss wouldn’t jig with him.”

“Nyoka’s right, though,” Ellie said, “sometimes when you get drunk enough, or high enough, anyone looks good.”

“No lie,” Nyoka said.

ADA knew what they meant; Captain Hawthorne had never been shy about his own activities.

“Well, when you put it that way…” That was Felix again.

“They both said nothing happened,” Parvati said, but she sounded unsure.

“I mean, if I got snockered and dipped Max’s wick, I wouldn’t want to admit it,” Felix said.

“And they’re avoiding each other somethin’ fierce.” Parvati again.

“It makes the most sense,” Ellie said. “They jigged and don’t want to admit it and they’re avoiding each other because of it.”

“Still. Max? I mean… the Boss must have _some_ standards.”

“Look, Captain says he’s been out of it a long time, right? If you believe his story, he says he was asleep seventy years. That’s a long time for a man to go without. A little snort to loosen him up and I bet Max was good enough.”

“I bet the Vicar don’t feel too good about this either,” Parvati said.

“Hope he didn’t push himself on Cap. You know how those repressed OSI churchmen can get.”

ADA’s alarmed face appeared on her screen, in the navigation pod. She checked in again on Vicar Max, who had isolated himself in his room and mostly stayed in bed. In fact, much like her current Captain had done not too long ago. Conclusion: if Vicar Max had done such a thing, he was certainly not gloating over it.

ADA wondered if she should arrange the Vicar’s death.

“I don’t think so,” Parvati said, her voice showing her discomfort with the entire conversation. “The Vicar might be a little harsh sometimes, but he’s always in control of himself. I don’t think he would do – something like that.”

“Yeah, I have to agree with Parvati,” Nyoka said. “Besides, Max doesn’t look too good himself, whenever he comes out. And I don’t think he’s eating either.”

“You mean I have to get another dose of Upanatem?” Ellie groaned. “And then we have to figure out what _his_ problem is.”

“At least the Boss seems okay. More or less. He’s still acedic, though.”

“Yeah…”

“Maybe they need to…”

Another pause.

“To what?”

“Something happened between them, sure. I just hate to be talking about it behind their backs, is all,” Parvati said. “Somethin’s obvious real wrong.”

“Parvati’s got a point.” ADA could hear the slight grind of a lighter as Ellie lit a cigarette. “Us jawing away like this doesn’t solve it. We’re all agreed, though, right? Something’s wrong, they probably jigged, now they don’t want to admit it happened.”

Noises of agreement.

“I think Boss, we could maybe talk to him?” Felix said. “’Cause he’s actually, you know, out of his room sometimes.”

ADA knew she could fix that. She could, in fact, arrange it so the two of them would have to meet face to face, and also keep the others away. Should she do it? She’d think about it a little while, and in the meantime, stepped up the air filtration to deal with cigarette smoke.

~ ~ ~

“Captain.”

“Yes, ADA.” Rowan could hardly not give her his attention when he was right there in the navigational cockpit. “Is there any trouble?”

“Yes, Captain. Vicar Max is behaving in an acedic fashion. Much as you did before Ellie stepped in.”

Rowan frowned, trying to figure that out. He didn’t know what “acedic” meant, but probably ADA meant before Ellie had done that throat spray. He rubbed his nose in memory of when it burned from the inside. And if Max was behaving like that, probably… ADA wanted him to do something about it.

So he sought out Ellie and asked if she had any more of that stuff she’d used on him. “Upanatem? I have to get more from Groundbreaker. It’s not common stuff, Cap. For emergency use only. Why?”

“I was thinking… Max, um…”

“Yeah, look, Cap.” Ellie leaned against the railing. “You have to talk to him. Everyone was concerned about you when you got that bad. We can all tell something’s wrong, and it’s been wrong ever since Scylla. He’s a vicar. He shouldn’t be this rattled over whatever the hermit told him.”

Rowan studied her, but her face didn’t give anything away. “I don’t know what help I can give him.” And he really didn’t want to face Max.

“Until we get to Groundbreaker, I can’t help him,” Ellie said. “Go talk to him. I promise I won’t eavesdrop. No, really.”

~ ~ ~

Rowan really, really didn’t want to face Max. But he was the Captain, Max was part of the crew, and everyone knew something was wrong, and… if he got Max out of this, then nobody else had to know what had happened.

~ ~ ~

“I promised I wouldn’t eavesdrop, but that doesn’t mean we should decide who does,” Ellie said.

“Besides, Felix, people deserve some privacy,” Parvati scolded.

“Yeah, you’re right. Besides, if they did anything, I don’t know that I wanna know the details.”

ADA kept an ear on them. She, of course, would observe the Captain’s interaction with Vicar Max.


	5. Intangibles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan and Vicar Max have a talk, and ADA listens.

Rowan paused outside Max’s room. _Okay, you can do this. Really. Just because… nothing happened… so there’s nothing to discuss. Got it._

Where had everyone gone? It felt like nobody else was anywhere near. Ellie probably told them all to skedaddle. Good, he didn’t want anyone – “ADA?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Can you… not listen in, when I talk to Max?”

“Affirmative, Captain.”

“Okay.” Rowan shook himself. _Get it over with. Nothing happened_. He lifted his hand to knock on Max’s closed door, hesitated, and finally knocked. No response. Okay, well… he was the captain, wasn’t he? Which… meant he had to do something about this. He pushed the button to slide the door open.

~ ~ ~

The question “can you not” was not the same as “don’t”, obviously, as far as ADA was concerned. He had asked if she could not listen in. She had said yes, that was possible. She could, in fact, not listen in. If he had really wanted her to not listen, he would have asked that specifically.

~ ~ ~

“Max?”

The vicar sat on his bed, staring at nothing, but he looked up when the door opened. “Captain.”

“Are you, uh, okay?” Dumb words.

“I don’t know,” Max said, and even his tone sounded… lost, and quiet, not at all like usual. Now Rowan felt scared.

“You, um… you want to talk about it?” Rowan eased himself toward the one chair in the room.

“What’s there to talk about?” Max spread his hands in a helpless gesture. “It’s all a lie. All of it. All this talk of the great plan, my life’s work… meaningless.”

Rowan’s mood swung from scared to spooked. “I’m sorry?” he asked. One drugged sex encounter had done this? He tensed, ready to flee, in case Max suddenly woke up and decided he didn’t want Rowan there.

“We can’t control anything,” Max said, not looking at anything. “The Grand Architect, the great plan, Scientism… it’s all a lie, Captain.”

Rowan was not going to say _I told you so_. Not now. Bad time, now. “Where’d this come from, Vicar?” he asked, trying to sound upbeat.

Max looked at him again. “Who spoke to you, in the vision?”

“Uh… my mother.”

“And what did she tell you?”

“That I can survive, all I have to do is survive, I’m not a great man, and I don’t have to try to be one,” Rowan said.

“What a strange thing to say,” Max said, as if talking to himself. “My parents were… rather more hostile, I’m afraid.”

“Oh. You spoke to them? In the vision? They were blue, right?”

Max rubbed his temples with both hands. “They were always disappointed that I wanted to rise above my station, even as I wanted that same serenity they had in their work. Captain, did I tell you this? I was born to laborers. They were content. I wasn’t. I wanted that for myself, so I left, to study the great plan, to find out why I couldn’t be happy where I was…”

Was this a confession? Rowan didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t advise on this, not at all. “Because you’re human?” he suggested. “Because that’s what humans do? We want to do things that make us happy, and… did Scientism make you happy?”

“No, Captain, I don’t think it did.” Max hung his head.

Silence settled between them. So… was this why Max was like this? His religion was shown to him as a lie? And he’d dedicated his life to it. Yeah. That made sense.

…Did Max even remember what had happened next?

“I’m sorry, Max,” Rowan said at last. “That… it wasn’t what you hoped for.”

“Thank you, Captain.” It was a hoarse whisper.

“But… I guess… you did get an answer,” Rowan said, knowing even as he said it that it was the least helpful thing he could say at this moment. “I mean – you were searching for the truth, and… you did find out the truth.”

Max laughed bitterly and still hadn’t looked up. “You’re not helping, Captain.”

“I know. I don’t know how to help with this, Max. I… I was a, you’d call it a janitor, sort of, before the _Hope_. And we were supposed to go to the colony and really make something of it. And when I was thawed out, I found this world and how horrible it’s all gotten… I might even have still been alive if the _Hope_ had made it and we’d been part of the colony. But now, everything went wrong, and all the dreams I had of starting out in a new world, new life, new everything… this is what I got instead.” Rowan twisted his fingers together. “I know it’s not like your problem at all. It’s why I didn’t want to go on, for a while.”

“And now you do?” Max raised his head slightly.

“I guess so. I don’t know. It helped that I realized I don’t have to do these great things everyone expects of me. I can just try to survive and do my best at that.”

“What great things do people expect of you?”

“Felix wants me to overthrow the Board – “

Max snorted.

“ – and Phi – the scientist who thawed me, he wants me to… overthrow the Board too, I guess, now that I think about it, but also to save the _Hope_ colonists, except they’d be just as stuck as me. I can’t do all that.” Now Rowan hung his head. “I can barely get by some days without the inhaler. I don’t know what’s going on sometimes and the rest of the time I don’t know what people are talking about.”

“We should have switched places,” Max said. “You might’ve been happy in how life had placed you; and I…”

Silence again.

“What’ll you do now?” Rowan asked, and looked up to see Max looking at him.

“I don’t know.”

“You can stay here as long as you want,” Rowan said, even as he thought about how he was supposed to encourage Max to leave when they reached Groundbreaker. “It’s… tough, getting your world knocked from under you.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

~ ~ ~

All that and not a word about the Thing That Hadn’t Happened, Rowan thought. Okay. Good. That was good. Maybe Max hadn’t remembered it, though waking up pantsless really demanded an explanation. More likely he’d considered that the least of his problems in light of the other, bigger discovery that his entire life was built around lies.

Maybe Max would do better now that he’d talked it out. Kinda. _Not bad, Rowan,_ he thought to himself. _You successfully got someone through a crisis of faith._ Probably. It didn’t seem like his calling either. Nothing really did. He’d done his job because it was a job. He’d jumped at the chance to travel to a space colony, to do something new and bright and exciting, on another world. Another world!...

And the worlds themselves were beautiful, bright and exciting. If the colony had been run properly… but it wasn’t, and Rowan could do nothing about that.

He squared his shoulders. So, he’d be a space captain now. Okay. He would try this. And if Max stayed? Well… Rowan didn’t have the heart to turf him out, now. But the Not-Happened seemed to be safely out of the way, now. It would be fine.

~ ~ ~

So, the Vicar was acedic over religion. And neither had talked about anything else that had happened while on Scylla. ADA decided that must be all it was; surely they would have mentioned it if sex had happened.

Of course, humans were surprising, and all the others on the ship seemed convinced that sex had, indeed, happened. And if it turned out that the Vicar had in fact hurt her Captain in any way, she would kill the Vicar in response.


	6. It Wasn't Our Fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Vicar Max brings up What Didn't Happen on Scylla, and Rowan freaks out.

Groundbreaker felt more stable, somehow, than the _Unreliable_ – imagine that! – but Rowan still looked forward to being on solid ground again.

Max had returned, more or less, to the land of the living; but he wasn’t the same, and Rowan didn’t expect him to be. The vicar barely responded to Ellie’s teasing, and when he did, it was with such mild curiosity that Ellie gave up, on the basis of “you’re not fun anymore, Vicky.”

Now, as everyone disembarked the _Unreliable_ for a much needed opportunity to stretch legs and see something and someone new, Max and Felix were talking about tossball, or at least Felix was talking and Max was responding a little here and there. Rowan had to figure out where things were located all over again on Groundbreaker, and didn’t pay much attention to their conversation, though he did hear Felix say “Ever since you got back from your drug trip, you’ve been weird, Max.”

“Have I?...”

“Yeah, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Felix!” Rowan said. “What do you know about Sublight Salvage?”

“Sublight?... well… they’re kinda… sometimes people say they get their salvage before it’s actually abandoned, Boss.”

“Is it illegal?”

“I… don’t know, but it seems kinda frosh, Boss.”

“Do they hire?” Rowan asked.

“You wanna work for them?” Felix gave him the side-eye.

“We need more money, don’t we? And if I don’t want to work for one of the corporations, this is what I’m left with.”

“I guess so, but…”

“I’m going to talk with them, anyway. Nothing’s set in stone.”

“Set in what?”

“Never mind.”

~ ~ ~

Sublight was willing to take on contractors. It was probably also a devil’s deal, but – what else could he do? He had to get work somewhere, and he had no history here. No references. In some ways, he was perfect for less than licit work, because he couldn’t be traced. That didn’t make Rowan feel better.

At any rate, he had a job: go to an abandoned space station, investigate it, claim it for Sublight. It was a start. Now he just –

“Captain?”

Rowan stopped. “Yes, Max?”

“If I might have a word with you…”

“Sure. Are you okay?”

“I’m… fine, as far as that word goes,” Max said. “Can we talk, in private?”

“Uh, sure. Where?”

Max led Rowan through a maintenance hallway to a half-dark little area, where a leaky pipe hissed steam. Rowan was suddenly, acutely aware that the Groundbreaker was the only space station here, and if things went bad in a hurry, like a hull rupture, the best bet would be to run for the _Unreliable_ and get out before the worst. “This is kind of ominous, Max,” he said.

“I know. But it’s one of the few private places that I’ve been able to find, or at least I believe it’s completely private. The walls of the _Unreliable_ still have ears.”

And ADA, Rowan thought. “So…”

“Captain… this is difficult for me to discuss. But I’ve decided that, as I no longer can trust the OSI and Scientism, I no longer can be one of their ranks.”

“You’re quitting?”

“Bluntly, yes.”

“Max, what – you’ve done this your whole life. What will you do?”

“Captain, you did say I could stay on with your crew.”

“Yes, I did.”

“And I intend to take you up on your offer. But I can’t see myself as a vicar any longer. I can’t counsel or give solace using a religion that was manufactured entirely to keep its population quiet and in line.”

Rowan leaned against the wall, thinking. “I get that,” he said.

“I’m going to purchase new clothing for myself, and, if the offer is still open, I’ll stay with your crew. Because I have nowhere else to go.”

 _Now I can’t turf him out,_ Rowan thought. “You can stay, Max. And I hope you’ll find some kind of peace. Are there any other religions in Halcyon?”

“Of course not. Why would they be needed? They’d only confuse people. I see the plan behind that, now,” Max laughed. It was a bitter sound. “One religion, make sure everyone thinks alike, and that it’s the party line.”

 _He’s going to want me to overthrow the government too,_ Rowan thought, with a sinking feeling. He didn’t want to do that! He couldn’t do that! “Well… I hope you find something else that helps.”

“Thank you, Captain. So do I.”

Rowan nodded. Good talk. He turned to leave, when Max said, “There’s something else, Captain. About our visit to Scylla…”

Rowan froze. No, no, this wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. At all. He forced himself to turn and face Max again. “Yes?” Play dumb. Should be easy.

“Captain… while we were, shall we say, incapacitated…”

“It wasn’t our fault.” Rowan couldn’t stop himself. “It was that stuff, whatever it was, it made us hallucinate, and – “ Now he stopped.

“And… have sex.”

“Oh God.” Rowan held his hands to either side of his head. “You didn’t have to say it!”

“Captain, please -”

“It wasn’t our fault!” Rowan repeated desperately.

“No. It wasn’t. I hadn’t expected that from you.”

“Hnnnnnng,” was the only noise Rowan could make.

“Captain?”

“I don’t know why I did it!” Rowan managed, hands still on his head. “I don’t know! It was the drug!”

Max held himself tightly, just as tense as Rowan but less obvious about it. “I don’t blame you for what happened, Captain."

“Thank you!”

“It’s – let’s say, it can happen, under some – “

“It can, but it shouldn’t have! I’m your captain! And you’re a vicar!”

“I’m not any more.”

“But you were then!” Rowan stomped around in a circle, feeling frantic again. “And I’m still your captain, even if I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time!”

“You give yourself too little credit.”

“Don’t lie to me, Max! And the fact remains that I – I – “ Rowan couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud: _I was the one who started it and then it got that far._

“I’ve been in prison, Captain.”

That derailed, but did not remove, some of the frantic feeling. “That never happened in there, did it?” he asked, hoping he wasn’t about to hear all about that very thing.

“No. Not to me, at least.” Max took a deep breath, and looked very tired. “But sometimes things happen between people in prison. Things they wouldn’t normally do. There can be any number of reasons, though loneliness and solitude can play a part.”

Loneliness and solitude. Rowan knew about those. “But I’m not alone,” Rowan said. “I’ve got you and the rest of the crew.”

“Do you?” Max gave a partial, sad smile. “You’re the Captain. I’m the Vicar. Ellie constantly tries to get a rise out of me, sometimes with Felix’s help. You wall yourself off and don’t understand us. You had actual friends and family, and now they’re dead and gone.”

Rowan looked at Max, unsure if he’d heard correctly. “You really believe I’m from the _Hope_ , at last?”

“Now, yes. It makes more sense than any other possibility. And that makes you as lonely a man as any, I would say.”

“It still doesn’t excuse what I did,” Rowan said.

“You were drugged. We both were.” Max reached out, as if to give a comforting pat on the shoulder, but stopped halfway. “You know the entire crew suspects what happened.”

“What?” Oh, this was getting worse and worse.

“They do. Which is why I wanted to talk about this, here, somewhere truly private.” Max returned to holding himself tightly.

“Okay. We’ve talked.” Rowan unconsciously did the same thing. “Now what?”

“Am I still welcome on the _Unreliable_?”

“I – yes!” Rowan felt downright offended despite his rising panic. “I meant what I said! I won’t throw you out just because – because I – “

“No. Not ‘because I’. You said it yourself, it wasn’t your fault,” Max said, and took a hesitant step closer. “It happened, but it doesn’t make either of us a bad person because it happened.”

Rowan felt like he would fly apart. He had to face the fact that _it had happened_ and furthermore _he had started it_ , and he really didn’t want to admit either of those things.

“Captain?”

“I’m okay,” Rowan lied. “I’ll be fine.” He didn’t think he would be fine anytime soon, actually, but it was what people wanted to hear. “What does your religion say about guilt, Max?”

Max didn’t answer for a long moment. “What it says about guilt… I don’t think would apply here. Captain, I’m not angry. Confused, after the drug cleared out of my system. But mostly I’ve dealt with my issues of faith, these past few days.” He smiled without much humor. “But you feel guilty?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Even though, as you keep saying, it wasn’t your fault?”

“Why do you think I keep saying it? If I keep saying it, maybe I can believe it.” Rowan hugged himself and wished he could get anywhere else, but someone running and freaking out would probably attract way more attention than he wanted.

“If hearing it from someone else helps,” Max said, more gently than Rowan had ever heard him speak, “it truly wasn’t your fault.”

Time snapped, and Rowan ran, while the rest of the universe stood still for several seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rowan's TTD manifests as "time snapping". He doesn't know if this is him dissociating, actual changes in how time works, or some other mental problem. He knows Phineas said something about it at the beginning but doesn't remember exactly what.


	7. Coming to Terms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we see what the others are up to on Groundbreaker, and Felix finds Rowan.

“I dunno.” Nyoka took another long pull of her Spectrum Vodka. “Captain’s getting all ivvy and the Vicar is too, and I dunno how much more ivvy I can take. There’s fun ivvy and there’s weird-ivvy, you know?”

“Eh, I wanna see how it turns out,” Ellie said. She gestured to the bartender to refill her glass. “Like, is Cap gonna have a total meltdown, especially in front of someone important. That could be fun. I kinda want to bring him home to my parents just for shits and giggles, see if he falls apart in front of them.” She slid some bits toward the bartender and took up her full glass.

“That’s your idea of a good time, not mine,” Nyoka said. “Fun-ivvy is one thing. But Captain’s kinda… first he’s all acedic and now maybe he and Max are jigging? Or not, or… you get it, though.”

“Yeah, I know. Max isn’t fun to poke anymore, and Cap, well… Maybe he took a blow to the head at some point. All I know is, I’m sticking around to see what happens. What about you?”

“I’d need work,” Nyoka pointed out. “Right now Captain lets me drink as much as I want and sleep there for free. That’ll be hard for anywhere else to match.”

Ellie laughed.

“Can’t go back to Stellar Bay,” Nyoka continued, “since they’ll try to keep me sober, but there’s not many other places to go in the colony.”

“That’s true. Maybe stay here and find a new ship?”

Now Nyoka laughed. “How many hunters do they need on Groundbreaker? I might get work at Sublight, but then I might as well stay with the rest of you on the _Unreliable_.”

“There’s Fallbrook.”

“Oh, please. Dealing with snotty Byzantines who think they’re skirting the system? Definitely not my idea of fun.”

“You could run hunting excursions,” Ellie suggested. “Not your fault if they don’t know how to use a gun properly.”

“I don’t want to get killed by their incompetence,” Nyoka said. “So, I guess it’s stick around for a little longer. But if things stay weird too much more, I might change my mind.”

~ ~ ~

Parvati hoped the Vicar and the Captain would figure things out soon. The whole thing sounded horrible to her; not just the drugs, but what had happened. She could only imagine what it must be like for either of them, if they really had done physical stuff while drugged. Neither of them showed any inclination toward anyone, much less each other. She shivered at the thought.

But now Junlei was off work, and they could go spend some time together. Junlei had hinted she had some more poetry she’d like Parvati to read, and an offer to show her some of the inner workings of the Groundbreaker’s auxiliary engines, and all of that would be a wonderful time after being cooped up in the _Unreliable_ with gossipy crew and a Captain who went acedic.

~ ~ ~

Felix met up with his few friends from the Back Bays and went out for drinks and telling stories of exciting adventures on other planets, his crewmates, and fighting monsters on Monarch.

~ ~ ~

Time snapped, again and again, until Rowan was thoroughly lost and exhausted. Each snap might last as much as ten seconds, which felt like forever, but the world didn’t feel right while it happened, didn’t sound or even look right, and everything was still moving, just – different.

So when he finally collapsed against a wall, gasping for breath, he had no idea where he was. Maybe somewhere near the engines; he could feel the thrum of them through the wall at his back. But it was kind of dark and empty here. Great, he’d found another completely private place, good place to break down in.

Rowan sobbed for breath, wiped at his eyes and nose, and flinched when he saw red streaks. _Please don’t let that be my eyes_. No, thank God, it was his nose instead, and it felt like maybe he’d hit something with it in his headlong flight; it was hurting now. He didn’t remember running into anything, but those time-snaps weren’t normal and he probably ran smack into something or someone and gave himself a bloody nose. It wasn’t too bad, though, no gushing, just sore and a little drippy.

Rowan stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned his head back against the wall. God, he was so fucked up. And fucked. Ha. At this rate his crew would abandon him. He could probably make do with just ADA, like the previous Captain, Hawthorne, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to. If he had any more depressive states, ADA couldn’t get him out of them by herself, Rowan was fairly sure.

He had to get a grip on himself, get himself together. Think, dammit! Or… something.

Rowan let his head fall forward. Was he in hell? Hell made sense. This was a really horrifying way to spend eternity. He could try to kill himself, he supposed, and see if it worked. If it didn’t, then yes, he was in Hell, though Rowan couldn’t for the life of him think of anything he’d done that deserved such punishment.

And if he could off himself… well, that would end a lot of the pain and anguish he was going through, wouldn’t it? It didn’t sound like it was even all that hard to do. If he didn’t want to be torn apart by alien monsters, there were plenty of drugs and mechanical ways to do it. He was spoiled for choice.

Did he really want to, though? Was it worth it to keep going?

Rowan lay on his side on the hard floor, pillowing his head on his arm. He wasn’t sure. For one thing, what did he really have to live for, here? No family. Few friends, if you counted the crew, and he wasn’t sure he could. If he disappeared, life would go on as it had before; the colonists would stay asleep forever; Halcyon colony would probably self-destruct right on schedule.

Rowan knew he’d gone over this before, but that was Before.

Parvati might feel a little bad, but at least he’d gotten her and Junlei together, so… that was something, he supposed. But eventually you moved on from memories of dead people, they didn’t impact you much any more.

At least Max didn’t hate him. That was an unexpected bright point. And he was probably right. Probably Rowan shouldn’t feel guilty about it. And why did he feel guilty? Because… well… honestly he would probably feel guilty no matter who it had been. So, it wasn’t Max specifically. If it had been Ellie… for one thing, that would’ve been a little weird, since Rowan hadn’t ever had sex with a woman, and even with men he was greco. But Ellie would’ve probably told everyone about it afterward. She seemed the type.

Focus, Rowan. So he felt guilty because… because the other person hadn’t been able to give consent. Neither could he, but was that enough to forgive what he’d done? For him to forgive himself for it?

Max seemed to think so. Didn’t hate him, didn’t seem to think there should be any punishment about it. And Max was clergy, he ought to know, at least for his own religion, which… was kind of made up, but… he was probably right.

Rowan lay there he didn’t know how long, until finally he heard footsteps. He hoped they wouldn’t be for him, but they were; he watched the booted feet enter his vision, and then Felix knelt down to look him in the eye. “Boss?”

Rowan didn’t respond.

“Max told me you might have gotten lost, exploring the Groundbreaker by yourself,” Felix said. “Didja hit your head?” He waved his hand in front of Rowan’s eyes. Rowan blinked. “Okay. Good. D’you think you can get up?”

As far as excuses, “went exploring, got lost, hit head” was probably the best one for explaining why he was here and not very responsive. He might even still have dried blood on his face. “I think so,” he mumbled.

“Okay. I’ll help you get back to the promenade.” Felix got his hands under Rowan’s arms, and Rowan made himself get first to a sitting position and then to his feet, leaning on Felix.

“Vicar Max sent you?”

“Yeah. If you wanted to explore, Boss, you could’ve told me,” Felix said, one arm around Rowan’s waist. “Hold onto me, Boss, you don’t look real steady.”

“I’m not.”

“You need a drink,” Felix said. “But we’ll get you up there. You probably have the bits to afford the clinic, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”


	8. Clinically, Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan gets his first taste of Halcyon medical care.

“Your stress hormone levels are off the charts,” the doctor said. “What’s going on, Captain Dane?”

“…Everything?” Rowan hazarded. He kept his arms wrapped tightly around his midsection.

“Can you narrow it down a little?”

“It feels like I’m going to fly apart at any moment? I feel like I can’t control anything, and I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t want to upset my crew, and sometimes I just don’t want to live, and – “

“Okay, slow down. How long has this been going on?”

Rowan didn’t think he’d actually get any help here, but at least the doctor wasn’t one of his crew, and therefore he could, he hoped, just… open up about things. Most things. How long had it actually been since Welles had thawed him out? “A couple of months. When I became captain, because the last one kind of… died. In an accident. That wasn’t my fault,” Rowan added quickly. “And it’s a huge responsibility, and now I’ve got to find work for myself and everyone, and none of this is what I expected,” he let go of himself to wave a hand around, meaning, the entire world he was now in.

“Why did you become captain? Were you next in line?”

It was because he was the first one ADA saw after Hawthorne was squished, probably. “Sort of. Nobody else wants the job, so it’s me no matter what.”

“That _is_ a huge responsibility. Do you have anyone you can talk to?”

“My, um, my vicar, from the OSI, he’s been trying to help me with stuff,” Rowan said. “But a lot of the time I feel like – I’m panicking, and I want to get out of here, wherever I am, and I just wonder if I’d be better off dead.”

“Nobody wants you to commit FWA,” the doctor said. Probably he had to say that to everyone who expressed suicidal tendencies. “But it does sound like you’ve got intense anxiety, and that can’t be helping your work performance, or your dealings with the crew.”

“No. It isn’t.”

“Okay. Let’s take a look at a few more things. Are you taking anything now?”

Rowan showed him the inhaler, and what was currently loaded, and the doctor did some more tests and took a blood sample, and then Rowan waited in a room by himself for a while. He was okay with that. He was still exhausted, probably still looked like hell, but he’d completely forgotten about his inhaler after he’d injured his nose somehow, so there was that, too; he wasn’t well.

He hoped the Halcyon doctors had some actual training, and medical knowledge, because so far all the medical care he’d seen was “keep working even when you’re sick because that’ll make you better faster,” and that was so very wrong. He could just ignore that advice, if that’s all he got. Oh, and there was the barber-surgeon in Edgewater, who was assuredly a barber but definitely not medically trained.

But the doctor returned with an inhaler cartridge. “I’d like you to try this,” he said. “How long will you be staying at Groundbreaker?”

“I don’t know. I’ve got a job to do, off the station, so… probably not long.”

“Make sure your second in command knows about this so they can watch for any warning signs,” the doctor said, clipping the tiny cartridge into the inhaler alongside the one for Adreno. “Your health could be a lot better; it looks like you’ve lost weight recently, and that’s probably from the anxiety from your new position, wouldn’t you say?”

“Okay.” That, and the food wasn’t all that appetizing.

“And your overall health is… well, you’re doing the best with what you’ve got,” the doctor said diplomatically. “This cartridge is the lowest-dose anxiety medication I think you should start with. Given your physical state, anything stronger might have adverse effects. Start with this when you feel the panic coming on. It should take the edge off it and calm you down enough to focus on what’s causing the problem.”

“Can I try it now?”

The doctor looked at him sharply. “Are you already that bad?”

“Doctor, I’m stressed all the time, and I want to feel normal,” Rowan said. He added “again” almost as an afterthought. It had been a long time since he’d felt like what he assumed other people considered normal.

“Then try it now, while I’m here, and we’ll see how it affects you.”

Rowan used the inhaler, just the new drug, and…


	9. Everything is Awesome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan has his first experience with Halcyon's version of an anti-anxiety drug.

Felix was just expressing to Max his disdain for the Spacer’s Chosen 18th-back when Rowan returned to the clinic lobby. Felix and Max both stood. “Boss?”

“Captain?” Max asked. “Are you any better?”

“Right now? Yeah,” Rowan said. Good God, was this what normal people felt like? All the time? How did they not celebrate this? How did they not weep for joy at not feeling like _that_?

He didn’t know how long it would last. He was only supposed to take it when things got bad, but…

“Sorry I scared you both,” Rowan said. “Yes, Max, I’m better for now. Can, um…” He held out a handful of bit cartridges. “Can one of you pay for me? I still don’t know if this is the right amount…”

And he didn’t feel guilty about that. Or ashamed. It was just… out there. And it was okay. _Everything_ was okay. Better than okay, even!

As Felix tried to pay and Max took over, Rowan marveled again at that. _It was okay._ And what had Happened? Under the influence? Max was right, it was really all just an accident, nobody’s fault, everything was okay.

Rowan had bought a lot of these little anti-anxiety cartridges. He was not going to be left without them for as long as he could avoid it. He shouldn’t use them nonstop, he knew that, but… but damn, he felt _functional_. It was mindblowing. He hadn’t felt this clear-headed even before the _Hope_.

~ ~ ~

“Captain…”

“Max, if you’re not going to be clergy any more, did you get your new clothes?”

Max stopped walking. “What?”

“I’m sorry, it’s the new drug, I think, I spoke without thinking.” More like spoke without worrying about what people would think of him. It was amazing. “I interrupted you.”

“Captain, you bought a lot of this drug.”

“Yes.”

“It was… more than I think was prudent,” Max said.

“No. We travel a lot. I don’t want to get caught without it,” Rowan said. “Max. I feel _normal_ for once. And you were right! I see that now! It wasn’t my fault!” Rowan smiled, a genuine, happy smile. “I don’t feel guilty about it anymore. I really need to thank Felix for bringing me to the clinic…”

Max cleared his throat. “Captain. Listen to me. You spent a lot money on this. Do you have any idea how much?” He shook his head. “Of course you don’t, that’s why you asked us to pay for you, didn’t you? You’ve said it repeatedly, you don’t understand costs here.”

“That’s true.”

Max rubbed his forehead. “Do you have work lined up?”

“Yes I do.”

“I hope you were able to negotiate a good price, because we’re going to need it after your pharmaceutical purchases.”

“Drugs that help me feel better and, I hope, keep me from losing my mind half the time. Max.” Rowan took a step closer. “What happened to us on Scylla. You’re right. It wasn’t my fault. I don’t feel guilty. I really don’t! And I… I want to keep feeling like this. Like how I guess everyone else feels all the time.”

Max chuckled. “Captain, you’re sorely mistaken if you think this is how everyone feels.”

“…You’re probably right.” Rowan shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Now, you said something about my clothes?”

“Well, since you aren’t sure if you want to be OSI any more, and you said you wanted to not wear those…”

“No, no, that’s a good point. But -.” Max brushed a hand down the front of his tunic. “I haven’t worn anything else in years.”

“Can you afford new clothes? I’d buy them, but you just said I spent a lot of money.” Rowan grinned. If he had to, he’d buy clothes for Max, for himself, for the whole crew. New everything! The money would sort itself out. Everything was fine.

“Touché, Captain. Yes, I can afford something new, or at least different. Perhaps you should come with me to give me your opinion.”

“Sure.” It didn’t occur to Rowan until later that Max might have asked in order to keep an eye on him.

~ ~ ~

There were side effects, of course. Like dry mouth. Rowan began sucking on those sour Purpleberry candies before they left the Promenade. “Are they supposed to taste like this?” he asked Max.

“I’ve never tried them,” Max said. “Indulgences like those were frowned upon in my household, growing up.”

“You want one now?” Rowan held one out.

“No thank you, Captain.”

“You can start over now, you know. New everything. New clothes, new chances.” Rowan felt like he could take on the world. “We’ll do this job, that’ll get us in good with Sublight – “

Max may have groaned.

“ – and that’ll get our careers started, away from OSI, away from the corporations, and free.”

“We, Captain?”

Rowan turned to look at Max, who was smiling just a little, one eyebrow up.

“Well, yeah. You, me, the rest of the crew.”

“You’d better tell them your plan when we return to the ship. While I’m sure none of them will outright disagree with you, it’s better to be open with them.”

“Good idea.” Rowan nodded. “Max, I can’t thank you enough for helping me. I look back even just a couple hours ago, and damn, I was so fucked up.”

“Captain.”

“I mean it, Max! That other me is… no wonder all of you don’t know what to make of me. I wouldn't want to work with me as a captain, like that.”

“Don’t say such things,” Max chided. “Bear in mind that that ‘other you’, as you put it, is still in there.” He gently touched Rowan’s upper shoulder, just below the clavicle, with one fingertip. “And that other you still has a lot to work out.”

“But – I don’t want to be like that anymore,” Rowan said. “I feel so much better like this.”

“Captain – may I call you by your name?”

“Sure.”

There was a long pause. They passed through the Customs gate; they were familiar enough that the guard there gave a bored wave in answer to Rowan’s friendly one.

“Max?”

“I hate to admit it, but I’ve forgotten your actual first name, Captain.”

“Oh. Okay. It’s Rowan.”

“That’s right. We’ve been through so much that it feels like a much longer time has passed. Now then. Rowan.” They were approaching the _Unreliable_. “We need to talk again shortly, particularly as you begin coming down from this.”

Rowan hadn’t even thought of that, but Max was right: this would wear off and he’d go back to his old self. That was a sobering thought.

“Do you trust me enough to give me your LBF cartridges?”

“LB – oh. The anti-anxiety ones?” Not like Max could mean anything else.

“Yes.”

“I…” Rowan didn’t want to give them up. But Max was trustworthy. Max had done his best to deal with Fuckup Rowan, and was still thinking of him. “Yeah.” He took the little box and handed it to Max. “Just… be careful with them. Don’t flush them or whatever it is that people do with drugs. To get rid of them, I mean.”

“I’ll keep them safe in my quarters, I promise.”

They’d reached the ship. Rowan realized none of the women had yet encountered Better Rowan. Well, it would be okay. Sure, he was different now, but it was a better different, at least until it wore off. Until then, everything was great. No worries at all.


	10. Crashing Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Max makes an important discovery regarding Rowan, and Nyoka has had enough.

“Maybe I’m tired of you constantly jabbing at us!” Rowan yelled.

The entire kitchen area was dead silent. Ellie watched him carefully, unfazed by his outburst.

She’d started in with the _Vicky_ and usual goading and Rowan was sick of it. Now he glared at her, becoming aware that Nyoka was just out of range to the left. She could beat him up, he was pretty certain. Let her try.

Max cleared his throat. “Captain,” he said. “I think that’s the last time you should ever drink Iceberg Whiskey. It’s obviously gone to your head.”

Rowan turned his glare on Max, but Max too refused to cower. “You should sleep it off, I think,” Max continued.

“Is that all?” Nyoka said, but her body language was more guarded than her voice would indicate. “No wonder you don’t drink, Captain, if you’re an angry drunk.”

“Maybe the Vicar’s right,” Parvati added. “You just need to – to sleep it off.”

He should do it. Take the out Max had given him. “I need to set course,” he said instead.

“Maybe wait until you’re not in a mood,” Nyoka said.

He wanted to show that _he_ was the boss, _he_ made the decisions, but already Parvati was looking worried at him, and… “Yeah,” Rowan said, “okay. Yeah. I’ll… I’ll be in my cabin.”

~ ~ ~

“Didn’t smell any booze on him,” Ellie said _sotto voce_ to Nyoka, when Rowan had left and the others had dispersed. “And he was right in my face. ‘Course he smelled like those candies Felix likes, so maybe he was covering his breath with them.”

“I told you, El. If he stayed ivvy, I wasn’t sticking around. If he’s this dented, what’s next? We all gotta sleep sometime.”

“If you have to leave, you have to leave,” Ellie said, lighting up a cigarette. “I’m staying.”

~ ~ ~

“Captain?”

Rowan had just finished brushing his teeth – rather angrily, yes, but those candies made his teeth all fuzzy – and hadn’t expected Parvati to visit. “Parvati. Hi. How’d things go with Junlei?”

“Oh! They went, everything was fine. More than fine. Great,” Parvati said. “I don’t want to trouble you, Captain – “

“You’re never trouble for me, Parvati.” Not like _some_ members of his crew.

“- but you may want to ask Dr. Fenhill for some Immunosol, to see if that helps? You know their slogan… Don’t be crabby? Get jabby?”

Rowan stared at her.

“I’ll head back to – “ Parvati began to turn away.

“Parvati, you are the nicest person I have met in years,” Rowan said. “I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” It really was embarrassing. Losing his temper? Yelling at people? What was he thinking? That wasn't him.

“Thank you, Captain, and, well, we all have bad days, Captain,” Parvati said. “Remember you said I should try something real weak at first, drinking at the Lost Hope? And you were right. So… maybe you need to do that too?”

“You’re absolutely right, Parvati.” Rowan smiled. “Thanks.” Oh, God, was she scared of him now? He didn’t think he could take that. (Ellie could take a flying hike, but not Parvati.)

~ ~ ~

“ADA?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Can you do the navigation, or do I have to come to the… that room where you are.”

“The control room. Or, if you prefer, the cockpit.”

“Yeah. Do I have to come down there?”

A long pause.

“Captain, starship navigation is too complex for a human to manage. All planets, asteroids, and even the entire Halcyon star system are perpetually in motion, though that is usually not visible to the human eye. The navigation data is engineered directly into ship computers. Navkeys, such as the one you purchased for Stellar Bay, contain the data for a ship’s astrogator such as myself to correctly determine and maintain a course to where the destination _will be_ at the expected future time.”

Another pause.

“Then why do I still have to go to the navigation thing and choose where I want to go?”

“I imagine it is to give the human operator or captain of the ship some feeling of control.”

Silence.

“Captain.”

“Yes, ADA.”

“Are you unwell again?”

“ADA, we have a job to do at a space station… I have the navkey for it.”

“Then you need only insert it into the navkey slot in the control room. I repeat: Are you unwell, again?”

“Can you ask Max to come see me?”

“Affirmative, Captain.”

~ ~ ~

“You were right,” Rowan said, holding himself tightly with both arms so he wouldn’t fly apart. “You were right, Max.”

“Captain. Rowan. You can hardly be blamed for wanting to feel better,” Max said. He sat in the sole chair in the cabin, facing Rowan, on the bed. “But while you were – indisposed – I did some research about LBF, since you’re not acting like yourself.”

“I know. I was – a mess, just a different kind of mess.”

“You’re not a mess, but you _are_ in need of aid. Can you focus on my words?”

Rowan raised his head. He felt awful, not physically so much, but like all the bad feelings had returned and brought plenty of friends.

“LBF isn’t supposed to affect you like this, especially at this dose,” Max said. “It is exactly what the doctor on Groundbreaker told you: a mood stabilizer. At this dose, you should be functional, but yourself. Not what happened to you.”

“Yeah, I can’t even do that right, can I?” Rowan tried to laugh and thought he might cry.

“Stop it,” Max said sternly, and Rowan shrank back. “Captain. It isn’t the drug. It is, I think, you. Something in your physiology, perhaps? Maybe people changed so much between your time and ours? Or you’re exceptionally… what’s a word… sensitive to mind-altering substances. But I’m not a doctor and I’m not sure where we could find someone, doctor or perhaps pharmaceutical chemist, who could unravel it. Where is your inhaler?”

Rowan handed it over.

“And you didn’t take another hit of LBF, to counter this?”

Rowan shook his head.

Max seemed impressed. “Then you successfully resisted it, which is a start. You’re not likely to run into any need for it on the way to our job, which we should start on soon. May I hold onto this until then?”

Rowan nodded.

“Captain.” Max reached out a hand, not the one holding the inhaler. “You’re experiencing the low after the drug. Again, this isn’t normal. I don’t know if it’s possible to lower the dose any more than it has been, and that would require tinkering with the cartridges themselves, I think. But do you remember, what you were told?”

Rowan looked at him, confused.

“That you have to survive. Do you think you can do that?”

Rowan looked down, thinking. “Maybe,” he said after a while. “Will this wear off?”

“It should, when your body returns to whatever chemical equilibrium it normally has. How bad do you feel?”

“Useless. Awful. Like I don’t belong.”

Max sighed and withdrew his hand. “Much like you did before, then.”

“Yeah. Except more.”

The former vicar looked at the inhaler he held. “And you can’t take this nonstop. I’m fairly certain that has long-term implications for your health. But,” he faced Rowan again, “I will not let you waste away in the dark like you did before, to where Dr. Fenhill had to dose you to get you up. You should not be alone or isolate yourself. We have time until the ship arrives – once we leave, that is – and, as your… spiritual counselor,” his mouth quirked slightly in a smile, “I take it upon myself to help you.”

“Why?” Rowan asked.

“You ask that because of the current mood you’re in. Now then.” Max stood. “Stand up. I think all you’ve eaten all day are those disgusting candies, correct? So. Food and drink will help. Then we’ll get going to whatever salvage operation you’ve accepted.”

~ ~ ~

One meal later, Rowan had to admit he did feel better – not great, but better – good enough to visit the control room, where, to his surprise, Nyoka waited for him.

“Nyoka?”

“Hey, Captain.” She held her hand out to shake. “I’ve gotta stay on Groundbreaker for a bit. I’ll catch up with you when you return, okay?”

“Oh… uh… sure.” He shook her hand, tried to do it his way, fumbled through the Halcyon way. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Not my first choice of what to do, but you gotta decide sometimes, right?”

“Sure, sure, absolutely.” Rowan shoved his hands deep into his pockets. “We’ll see you when we get back. Take care, okay?”

She left, and Rowan sat in the control room for a little while, to make sure she was well away from the ship before they took off. Then he plugged in the navkey. “ADA? You can do the rest of it from here, right?”

“I always do, Captain.”

“Okay. Thanks.”


	11. Tossball Practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Max begins a physical exercise/self-defense program for the crew.

Max held to his word. Rowan – and Parvati and Felix, too – began what Max called exercise and Felix called baby-grade tossball, down in the currently-empty hold. Ellie stayed on the sidelines to tend to any wounded and heckle or encourage the players. Rowan hadn’t known that Max was a former tossball player – a fifth-back – and Felix considered himself an expert, so Rowan and Parvati were the complete beginners. Neither of them wanted to hit the others with the sticks or the balls like they were supposed to, even when Max and Felix pointed out that with the makeshift protective padding, and the fact that the equipment wasn’t “live”, it wasn’t like anyone could really get hurt.

Still, there was a lot of running and swinging and generally being active, which kept Rowan in a new state of sometimes-fear and confusion, but the activity gave him an outlet to burn off the panicky feelings. And when he finally whacked Felix across the back with the tossball stick, both Felix and Max praised him for getting into the spirit of the thing.

Parvati also reined in her attacks, but maybe that was a good thing; when she took off her engineer’s jacket to better play in her tank top, she had arm muscles to spare.

It felt like hours before Max said they could break for now. He and Felix looked happy and healthy; hell, even Parvati looked like she was getting the hang of it. Rowan hadn’t expected it, but he did feel better, his blood pumping and feeling like he had a valid reason to be terrified. Now that practice was over, he actually felt calmer. Also sweaty and wobbly-legged, but calmer, or at least less likely to fall apart, despite what his arms and legs insisted.

Then hydrate, and Max suggested those awful sweet drinks, but that did seem to help.

“It’s obvious that only Felix has any idea of how to actually play tossball,” Max said, casually swinging his stick, “even if he has a poor grasp of how to put it into practice.”

“Hey!”

“So, from here on, I’ll have you all go over basic moves and stances. Many of these can be used even with ordinary sticks or bars, if you don’t have a tossball stick handy.”

Parvati coughed politely. “Vicar – if I can ask – we’re never going to play tossball, so why teach us how?”

“Because, Miss Holcomb, as of this moment, the only people with knowledge of how to defend themselves are myself and Dr. Fenhill.”

“Hey!” Felix repeated.

“Yes, yes, Mr. Millstone, I’m well aware of your alleged back-bay brawls,” Max said.

“Damn straight! I can drop-kick a guy into next week!”

“Which leaves you open to attacks while you’re on the ground and trying to get up again,” Max drawled. “But, Mr. Millstone, if you agree to follow some rules here – “

“Ahhh, rules are for suckers.”

“Felix.” Rowan spoke for the first time in ages. “Stop whining.”

Felix sat up straight, fire in his eyes. “Last guy who called me whiny got a stick to the face.”

“After which you were fired from your job and you came to us,” Rowan said. “I thought you would be fine with my authority.”

“Well – yeah, Boss – I mean – “

“Then settle down and listen to Max and maybe you’ll learn something that’ll make you a better fighter,” Rowan said.

“Well put, Captain. Now. The three of you, in a line, here – “

They groaned but did so, and Max began teaching stances and proper grip. Ellie watched for a while, then got bored and left.

ADA watched with interest. So, it was just as well she hadn’t killed the Vicar. Perhaps whatever had happened on Scylla had improved his temperament. Her Captain was still not well; but this time, the crew – or at least the Vicar – would not permit him to waste away in the dark. That could only improve things.

~ ~ ~

Rowan went to bed tired enough to fall asleep fast. His dreams were vivid; he groaned when the alarm went off. The Groundbreaker clinic doctor had warned him about this other side effect from LBF. He was still tired, and sore, and those dreams… wow. He remembered them as larger and more colorful than life, like… extra-real, and wild, the kind of wild you either didn’t remember or didn’t plan on telling anyone about. Not that he did that in the first place, but especially these.

“Good morning, Captain,” ADA said.

“Morning, ADA.” Be polite to the ship computer, even if he felt like death warmed over. “How long until we get to our destination?”

“Four point one days, Captain.”

Four more days of tossball lessons. Rowan didn’t want to do them. On the other hand, Max was genuinely trying to keep him moving and not lying like a lump in bed, so… best not to disappoint him. Besides, it might be worth it just because if he was there, he’d see Max schooling Felix.

Might be worth it.

Was that a good enough reason to get up, before someone came to look for him?

Rowan thought about it for a few moments. Someone, probably Max, would come find him if he didn’t appear on his own. Or maybe Ellie or Felix. Okay, that was a good enough reason.

He washed his face to help wake himself up. He didn’t feel as mentally bad as he had yesterday. Sore, yes. Tired, yes. Wondering why he was still captain, yes. But today he had things to do, and he’d better get them done.


	12. And He's Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Old tossball players don't die; they only reason they live to be old is because they survived everything thrown at them, and death holds no fear for them."
> 
> In which Max suffers an injury, and Rowan isn't sure what Max means.

“How’re you so damn fast?” Felix wheezed from the floor. “You should’ve totally been flattened!”

“Because you have one move that you love to use, and you use it at every opportunity,” Max said. “Go sit on the side and get something to drink.”

“He’s right,” Parvati said. “That move does work well, just… you always use it.”

“C’mon, Parvati, not you too.” Felix crawled to the side of the hold where Ellie waited with a selection of nonalcoholic drinks.

Ellie said something Rowan didn’t catch, because now it was his turn. He already knew Max wouldn’t actually hurt him, which was comforting; this was to test his moves and see what he remembered, unlike Felix.

Tomorrow morning they’d reach the space station. Max had said they’d stop early today to give themselves time to rest up and be ready for whatever they might find. Rowan found himself looking forward to the lessons on the way home. He was getting the hang of using the stick, and this morning he’d realized that maybe, if he kept this up, he could defend himself with it. Which given the amount of violence in this colony, seemed a really good idea.

Because he could barely shoot straight, and certainly couldn’t drop-kick someone like Felix. But now? Maybe? Maybe he could at least defend himself, and that amazed him. Of course, ideally nothing would even get this close to him in the first place, but Rowan had learned the hard way that that happened more often than he’d like.

“Come on,” Max encouraged. “You can’t hurt me, Captain. Trust me on this. Attack – yes. Good! Keep up your momentum. Harder!”

Parvati could really hit things with the stick. She said she’d stick to her wrench, which Rowan thought was more terrifying, because that thing looked much more like it could kill you.

“Good. Now, I’ll come at you. Be ready – “

And Max was nothing at all like the coaches in serials and movies, the ones who brutalized the players to “break them down and build them up”. He started right at “building up”, and Rowan was grateful for that. If he’d had someone yelling at him all day long he wouldn’t have made it.

Max whacked his stick into Rowan’s padded shins. “You could have blocked that, Captain. Let’s start again.”

Plus, with all this practice, Rowan was too busy, or too tired, to think negatively about himself. That too was a help.

“Focus, Captain.”

This wasn’t really tossball, Rowan decided. This was self-defense. And he was the one who really needed it; the others were there to keep company, or –

“Harder. Come at me. I know you can hit harder than that.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Rowan said, pausing.

Max paused too. “Captain. You literally can’t. I’m in padded armor, and you are not a current or former tossball player.”

Which made Rowan feel all the worse when Max went down unexpectedly four minutes later. Rowan stared in horror as Max held onto his knee, gritting his teeth.

Ellie was there in an instant, with Felix and Parvati close behind. “I saw you were favoring that knee,” she said. “Time for some Adreno, Vicar.”

“Max! Max! Oh my God, I’m so sorry – “

“It wasn’t you, Captain,” Max said through still-gritted teeth. “It’s an old injury.”

“How old?” Ellie asked.

“Old enough. It’s the one that derailed my career.” Rowan couldn’t tell if Max was serious or not.

“And you didn’t think maybe three-plus days of suddenly being a tossball coach wasn’t going to give you problems? Cap, go get some water.”

“It hasn’t given out before,” Rowan heard behind him. He fetched a bottle of water from the cooler.

“Oh… right… I meant water from upstairs,” Ellie said, when Rowan held out the bottle.

“You’re just trying to keep Boss busy, right?” Felix asked.

“Way to go, Felix,” Ellie said. “Yeah, Cap, could you not panic right now? C’mon, Max, let’s test it.”

A few minutes later, Ellie asked, “So, this old injury of yours, how was it treated?”

Max laughed. “Some injuries are too much even for Adreno, Dr. Fenhill. Or surgery.”

“One of those. The kind they replay on greatest-fights shows? Gotcha. Okay. Parvati, Felix, help the good Vicar upstairs to the couch.”

“I am _fine!”_ Max protested. Felix didn’t listen to him and after a moment Parvati got on Max’s other side.

“It wasn’t you, Cap,” Ellie said, packing away the other Adreno capsules. “If Adreno is used in time, it can fix a lot of problems – it’s how all the tossball players can stay in the game. I’m guessing his knee got pulverized, or torn up too bad for him to keep playing. But it looks like practice is over for now.”

~ ~ ~

Max was not a good patient. He was more like his old self, sulking and irritated, though Rowan supposed he couldn’t be blamed for that. He stayed on the couch and, after someone fetched his reading glasses, scowled his way through a book.

In the meantime, Parvati suggested a game, since there were four of them to play (after Max declined to join), and Rowan said he had no idea how to play, but he’d try. Buyer’s Bluff was a poker-style game, and he recognized Marketshare as nearly identical to a board game he’d played in his youth, just renamed, and the cards were all different. But once he got past that, he could play, and held his own in Marketshare.

At the end of the day, Ellie declared that Max should stay on the _Unreliable_ until this space station was determined to be uninhabited and safe. “Nothing against you, Vicar, but – “

“I know, if there are any hostiles, and my knee goes out, I’ll be a liability. I understand. I’ll just worry about you from here.” He looked at Rowan as he spoke.

Ellie noticed. “Sorry, Max. Rest up and make sure you can keep coaching tossball. Strong bodies and strong souls, right?”

“Something like that.”

“I think everyone else should come, though,” Rowan said. When they all turned to him, he swallowed and continued, “We really don’t know what’s there. It’s probably completely abandoned, but – “

“But it might be full of alien monsters that ate the previous crew!” Felix enthused.

“Or weird diseases,” Ellie said. “You never know what you’ll find here. So I’ll board first in full containment kit to make sure it’s safe for the rest of you to breathe, then we decide who gets to go next.”

“Why can’t we all – “

“Because there’s only one set of closed breathing apparatus,” Parvati said. “I guess from before the Captain took us all on?” She looked to him.

“Yeah, there was no need for more than one, before,” Rowan said. It wasn’t a lie. He hadn’t even known it was here for the longest time. “And the rest of us will cover you, Ellie, as best we can. In case anything bigger than a germ is there.”

“Cap, you mean well, but I really don’t want you armed with a gun and behind me. Just be ready to haul ass if something big really is there.”

~ ~ ~

“Max?”

Max, now in his bunk, looked up from his book. “Captain?”

“I, uh. Look, these beds… they suck.” Rowan put a hand against Max’s doorway. “D’you want to try sleeping in my bed? It might help your knee.”

“And where would you sleep?” Max set a worn tossball-card packet as a bookmark and closed the book.

“On the couch. I slept there before, it’s way better than these bunks.”

“Thank you for the offer, Captain, but I’ll manage. If it gets very bad, I’ll move to the couch. And I’m not unable to walk.”

“I know,” Rowan said, too quickly. “I just – “

“I’m just supposed to rest it to let it heal,” Max continued, as though Rowan hadn’t spoken. “But that was very kind of you to offer.”

“You’re welcome,” Rowan said. “I mean, it did happen while you were teaching me.”

“It had nothing to do with that and everything to do with an old injury, and me getting old.”

“You can’t be that old,” Rowan said without thinking.

Max raised both eyebrows.

“I mean, you don’t look that old,” Rowan said, even as his brain screamed _Danger! Danger!_. “My hair’s gone grayer since I woke up than anytime before.” Which was true. Rowan, at least, could tell the increase in white and gray hairs appearing among the reddish-brown.

“How old are you, Captain?” Max asked.

“When I went into the _Hope_ , I was thirty-eight,” Rowan said.

“I wouldn’t have guessed,” Max said.

“Max.”

“No, seriously. You look somewhat younger, but act like a man much older, sometimes, and I think the stress and your acedic nature has aged you prematurely.”

That was a blow, Rowan thought. “So, what, I look, uh, act much older than that?”

“Not ‘much’. Some.”

“Well, if you go by local time, I’m a hundred and eight, so I think I look pretty damn good for a hundred and eight.”

Max laughed, a genuine laugh. “That you do, Captain. Touché. For a hundred and eight, you look wonderful. I’d say you don’t look a day over forty.”

Forty, Rowan decided he could live with. “And you?”

“And me, what?”

“How old are you?”

“Much too young for a centenarian, I should think.”

The words hung between them for a moment. Neither broke the staredown they found themselves in.

Rowan thought: _Was that a pickup line? An anti-pickup line? Is he hinting at something? Or not? Oh, God, I’m so confused. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. But if it does mean something? What does it mean?_

At last Max spoke. “Well, that joke fell completely flat, didn’t it?”

Rowan nodded vigorously. “Yeah, sorry, I, uh, look – “

“No need to apologize, Captain, it wasn’t a very good joke.” Max opened his book again. “Rest well, you’ve got a busy day tomorrow.”

“Right. Good night, Max.”

Rowan brushed his teeth, made sure things were as set as could be, and lay awake in bed for a while. He should get some books, he thought, though probably there wasn’t a lot worth reading around here. Maybe borrow one from Max later. A book would help keep his mind off things, especially thoughts that chased each other like canids chasing tails.


	13. Alone in the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan investigates space station HRS-1084.

The space station was deserted. More like abandoned, Rowan thought, after Ellie checked the air and said it was safe. There were things left around like it was a quick evacuation. It was powered down, so they had to find their way to get the power back on, and it was freezing cold in there; the air might be safe, but it wasn’t heated, and this place had been depowered a while.

Alex Hawthorne had exactly one envirosuit.

“Captain, shouldn’t we have picked up some more of these at Groundbreaker, maybe?” Parvati asked.

“I… yes.” Rowan sighed. “I inherited the ship from Captain Hawthorne after he unexpectedly passed on.”

“Passed on what? A secret message? A map to a mysterious asteroid?” Felix asked.

“What? No, I mean, after he died.”

“Oh.” Felix found that much less interesting.

“And I haven’t… I’ve been remiss in figuring out exactly what’s on the ship and what isn’t,” Rowan said.

“Starting to sound like the Vicar, there, Cap,” Ellie said, smirking.

Rowan colored a little. “Look, the point is, yes, we’re missing a lot of things. Parvati, can you go through the ship and take inventory? Max, can you help her with that?”

“Of course, but who’s going onto the station?” Max asked.

“I am,” Rowan said. “I’m the captain, I’m the one who took the job. If we don’t do this we don’t get paid, and I can’t ask any of you to do something like this. If something happens to me… uh,” he remembered how ADA was not likely to take that very well. “I hope nothing happens to me,” he finished.

“Aw, I could go with you, if it wasn’t almost absolute zero on there,” Felix said. “If it’s deserted there’s not gonna be any fighting.”

“That’s true and that’s how I want it. Okay. Ellie, I guess stand by for decontamination, when I get back? Is that something we should do?”

“Yes, I can do that, and yes, we should.”

~ ~ ~

The envirosuit kept out the worst of the cold, but Rowan still felt the chill from outside. It felt like if he was outdoors on Earth in winter without a good coat. So. Stay warm. Start moving. He took a pistol and a tossball stick, just in case.

He hesitated. He should go back and get his inhaler. But nothing bad was in here. But he might need it. But he shouldn’t.

Rowan forced himself to walk deeper into the station.

This place was freezing. And dark. The torchlight on the envirosuit helped a bit, but Rowan still found himself jumping at shadows that he himself caused. He could feel the panic growing in the back of his mind. What was he doing out here? It was okay, the station was abandoned, nothing was here. It was just cold. Cold as death. No. Just depowered. Keep moving. Could he talk to the _Unreliable_? No, as far as he could tell. No radios. Nothing.

He was alone.

Rowan stood still in the cold dark that pressed upon him from all sides. Breathe, he told himself. But he wanted to just… get out of here, run back to the ship, ask someone else to do it. Ellie was competent, she could do it.

And they’d all know he couldn’t hack it.

Rowan argued with himself for a while on this, until he began to shiver. He still couldn’t slow his breathing. He realized his fist was clenched so tightly on the tossball stick’s handle that his hand felt weird.

He swung the stick. Swung it like he meant it. Attack, attack! Push forward, keep hitting!

There was nothing to hit, of course. No opponent, no crew, no Max, nothing but empty air, and Rowan didn’t even hear much of the swish of the stick moving through that. But if he thought of it as beating back the shadows, if he kept moving forward, it worked, for a little bit, because he had to remember the moves Max had taught him. Keep moving, keep attacking.

He did that until he felt warmer, and tired, but at least the panic was less obvious now. The station couldn’t be that big, could it? How did you turn the power back on?

~ ~ ~

It took Rowan longer than he liked to find the right terminal. At least it wasn’t locked; Rowan didn’t know how to get past password requirements or whatever they used here. Max would know; he’d said he was good with computers, when he first asked to join the crew. That felt so long ago already, and how things had changed since that meeting in the church in Edgewater.

Rowan typed into the terminal that he wanted to get to the generator. It bleeped unhelpfully. It might not be locked, but the commands were weird. Rowan was used to little icons and images and easily-accessible help features. Halcyon computers had none of those. It was all amber text on black and you had to know the right commands, which of course weren’t ordinary speech type words. Rowan had had to learn this the hard way just to get into Alex Hawthorne’s terminal on the _Unreliable_ , and gotten some help from ADA in the process, back before Edgewater.

Calm down. Calm down. Going to be okay. Try to breathe. The envirosuit’s air was a little sharp, but Ellie said it wasn’t bad, just meant it was really sanitized. Okay. He couldn’t tell Ellie to do this, he’d have to ask Max if he couldn’t figure it out, and Max’s knee might give out, and if he fell and hurt himself they’d never know, and Rowan would never forgive himself.

Rowan leaned his head backwards over the top of the chair. Breathe. And stop thinking about Max so much. Tell you what, Rowan said to himself, if you get out of here okay, just… go ask him what he meant. No, don’t do that, he said himself it was a joke. He’s probably forgotten all about it. But what if he meant it? Like, in a good way? What then?

What then indeed? Because Rowan wasn’t sure what answer he wanted to hear.

He lowered his head and rolled his shoulders. Oh! That was the command he needed, right? Yes! The terminal let him into the generator status. _Oh, it’s in sleep mode!_ Rowan knew about that. Like with computers back home, you told them to go to sleep so they wouldn’t waste energy during the night. Relief washed over him. He’d figured it out!

Then, change it from sleep mode to active mode. Done!

And there was light, and Rowan could dimly sense tremors through the floor, probably the engines or generators or air movement things coming back online. He’d done it! And as soon as it warmed up enough, then the rest of the crew could come in too!

…Though by that time he could probably find the place where he was supposed to insert the chip that Lilya Hagen had given him, that would make this place official Sublight property, and he wouldn’t need his crew to come aboard.

Rowan stood from the terminal. Now that there was light – he switched off the torch – okay, he could see more things around here. Like the UDL logos on everything. UDL. That was one of the companies… United Defense League, maybe? Something like that? The military arm of the colony…

…. Oh, shit, he was trying to salvage a military space station. At least nothing seemed to be alive here.

He found a datapad on a shipping crate. Shipping manifest. Concussion mines. On a space station? Well, you probably didn’t want them fragging the walls. Besides, they’d probably gone with whoever had abandoned this place.

Find the terminal to connect this thing… and he stepped around the crate and the mine went off.

The blast knocked him backward, his ears ringing, his vision blurry. Oh God, oh God, please don’t say I’m dead, he thought. Everything hurt, but he didn’t seem to have pulped ribs. After an unknown period of time he patted himself down and discovered the suit had taken the worst of it. He removed what was left and discarded it; it could hardly help him now.

He was unsteady on his feet, though, and cold. Rowan got farther away from the crate and its possible more mines, and found a locker room and some large UDL overalls and a snap-brim cap. The overalls were snug over his clothing, but more layers would help, and a hat was always good in cold weather. Okay. He hoped Felix wouldn’t drop-kick him upon return, thinking he was a UDL soldier.

His hearing still sounded funny, though after a while his vision came back to normal. By now he’d figured out how to read the signs in the hallways, and went to the control room. Everything there happily blinked away in the light.

Rowan tapped at a terminal. To his surprise, ADA’s face appeared.

“Hello, Captain. I see you’ve exchanged your envirosuit for a UDL trooper uniform. This will prove advantageous to your current situation.”

“ADA? What’s going on?” Panic returned in full force.

“A UDL vessel has been tracking our position and just recently docked with the station. They are patching into the station’s transmission lines now. I cannot stop – “

A moment of static, and a fully-helmed UDL officer appeared onscreen. “I’ve been waiting for this day since we tagged your ship in Cascadia, Captain,” she said, brisk and efficient and maybe just a little pleased. Then her tone changed. “Wait… Who are you? No one told me we had security forces deployed on this station already.”

They thought he was one of them. Rowan desperately wished for his inhaler. If ever there was a time he should feel capable of anything, it was now. Say something! Say something! And not _Hi, how are you_?

“My team has already handled it, soldier. Your squad can depart,” Rowan said. _Short. To the point. Act like that guy in that one show. Don’t overthink. Don’t overtalk. Please believe me_. Given the state of affairs in Halcyon, it was pretty likely that another group of UDL could already be here… right?

“Roger that,” the officer said. “Just as a precaution, I’m sure you won’t mind if we turn on the station security systems. Can’t be too careful, with outlaws in the area.”

Rowan swallowed and hoped he didn’t look like how he felt. “Everything’s already been reactivated,” he said. “You know how sometimes it takes a while for the status changes to propagate.” He’d heard that so often at his old job.

She snorted. “Yeah, I hear you. Okay then.”

Static.

Rowan sagged into a chair, unable to stop shaking. He’d done it. He’d done it without the inhaler. He’d successfully done everything.

He found a corner to throw up in, and after that his stomach settled down, and he realized ADA was trying to contact him from the screen. Rowan wiped his mouth with the back of the UDL sleeve. “Yes, ADA?”

“The UDL gunship is undocking from the station. They appear to be departing. Captain. Are you unwell?”

“You’re sure they’re gone?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.” Rowan’s shaky hands searched his pockets for the salvage cartridge –

\- which was in the pocket of the ruined envirosuit.

“I still have to take care of business here,” he said. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

~ ~ ~

Back to the remains of the envirosuit, keeping a close lookout for mines, retrieve the cartridge, then back to the control room. The terminal he’d used before was for communications. So he had to find whatever one would accept this cartridge.

By now Rowan just wanted to go back to the _Unreliable_ and maybe get something hot to drink (it was still so cold here, his fingers and feet ached) and hide in bed until the shaking stopped. Almost done, he told himself. As long as he didn’t get lost trying to find his way back out.

Next terminal. Holding tank logs? _001: Subject should not be revived until a method for stabilizing his condition is found._

His condition?

Rowan knew he shouldn’t look any further. He did anyway.

_002: Subject’s condition is dire, make sure resuscitation devices are on hand upon revival. Please hold on, Claire. We almost had it this time, I swear. We’ll bring you back!_

This was a military space station. Wait – Rowan went back to 001. There were four doctor’s names on it, and one of them was a Claire. Then on 002, only three names.

Oh, God. Claire was… somewhere on this ship, still, maybe? Revival. Cold sleep like the _Hope_ colonists? Rowan knew he’d suffered for his time in cold sleep, maybe this… no… they’d put this Claire into… whatever she was in, and she had to be resuscitated. He looked at the timestamps on the logs, but Halcyon used a different method than he knew, so he couldn’t tell how far apart the two logs were.

 _003: Subject will need extensive nuclein resequencing for any chance of viable extraction._ Rowan wasn’t sure what that meant, but it sounded bad. _I’m so sorry it ended up like this, James. We will come back for you all and fix this, I swear on it._

And only two doctor’s names.

Rowan made himself stop. Sublight was going to take all of this, and… and what? Should he ask? Would he get killed for asking? Did they know this was here? Probably. Military experiments on human beings? That was what this was, right? No. Maybe it was just… something else. Medical. It was medical, he told himself. Maybe something happened and people got sick, and… they were put in cold sleep, or something, and waiting for… for help.

He rubbed his face with both hands. If he didn’t do this – if he didn’t hand it over to Sublight – he’d have no money for all this work and nearly getting frozen and blown up and attacked by a military gunship. He’d have no money for supplies or whatever else the crew and ship needed. And Sublight wouldn’t give him any more work if he failed the first job.

Maybe Sublight would figure out how to help these people.

Maybe.

Or maybe they’d… pull the plug on them?

No. He had no proof that these people were even still alive. Right?

The logs said yes they were in their pods, and… Rowan realized that’s why the ship was in sleep mode, not completely depowered. Because the pods still needed power to keep the people in them alive.

Oh, God.

If he gave them to Sublight, he’d have to hope Sublight would do the right thing, whatever that was. If he didn’t… Rowan had no idea what he could do for work.

His hand began shaking again, as he inserted the cartridge into the terminal. Then he buried his face in his arms as it went to work.


	14. Intermission: Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Art by @sinnerburrito on Tumblr of Rowan. My boy is happy! And so am I! :D
> 
> [Tumblr link to art](https://the-laridian.tumblr.com/post/638139358222942209/rowan-art)


	15. The State of Being

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan and Ellie discuss medical care.

“Captain?”

Rowan’s head jerked upright. Where? How long?

“Captain, are you there?”

Oh – she was calling from the communications terminal. It took years for Rowan to get there. “ADA?”

“It’s good to see you’re still alive, Captain. Is anything blocking your return to the _Unreliable_?”

“No… no, ADA. I’ll be there – “

“Because everyone has died, and only you remain.”

Rowan’s head jerked upright. Where? How long – the others must be worried about him – he was even dreaming of ADA trying to contact him – he shook his head and winced at the sudden pain. He needed his inhaler – no, Max had it.

He ached all over, and his head hurt, and he was so cold, and he wanted only to sleep, but in fact he must have already slept, despite the cold. Or maybe his brain decided it was time to clock out for a little while. At least he hadn’t fainted and broken his head open on a desk. He began a slow walk back to the airlock.

~ ~ ~

The crew were all waiting for him there, and all began talking as soon as he was in the ship proper. What took him so long? Where was the envirosuit? Why was he dressed like that? What happened out there? What did he say to the UDL? He waved at them, be quiet, stop it, but it was Ellie who yelled at them all to shut up and let her do her damn job.

“What hit you?” Ellie asked.

“What?”

“Dried blood from your ears. Didn’t you use your inhaler?”

“No, I didn’t have it.”

Ellie stared right into his eyes. “Why not. It’s there for this sort of thing.”

Rowan did not want to say “Max has it because I might use it” because that could go very bad. He chose to answer her first question instead. “There was a concussion mine. I got too near it.”

More uproar from all.

Rowan was shepherded to his bed, as the _Unreliable_ didn’t have a sickbay. (If the beds hadn’t been built into the walls, he’d believe the crew’s cabins were originally storage closets.) Ellie chased everyone else out, confirmed he wasn’t infected by anything, definitely showed signs of concussion, and asked why the _fuck_ didn’t he have his inhaler on him, given it was supposed to help with things besides injury.

“Max has it,” Rowan said, with reluctance, as she gave him an Adreno.

She softened a bit. “Because of his knee? Is that it?”

Rowan waited just a little too long to answer, because he didn’t want to outright lie. He could feel the Adreno was already working, easing his numerous aches and hurts.

“So he’s got your inhaler,” Ellie said. “Dammit. Whatever game you two are playing, stop it. And – “

“It’s got a cartridge in it besides the Adreno,” Rowan said, not wanting Max to come off the bad guy here. “It’s LBF. But Max thinks I’m over-sensitive to it, it… makes me not myself.”

Ellie sat back. She sat on the edge of the bed, and Rowan could smell the slightly sweet cigarette smoke on her. “So, take the LBF cartridge out of the inhaler?”

Rowan felt infinitely stupid. Also, he had blown a lot of money on a drug he couldn’t use.

“Look, Cap,” she sighed. “I’ll talk to Max about this. I’ll take the LBF out of the inhaler. Did you get the job done?”

Rowan nodded.

“So at least we’ll get paid. Gotta say, never a dull moment for a doctor with you around.” She began packing her doctor’s bag.

“Ellie,” Rowan said, seized by an urge he would probably regret later. “The LBF – that’s what I was on, the day Max said I was drunk. He was covering for me. It’s not supposed to do that, but it did.”

Ellie grew serious. “And how’d you get LBF?”

“From the clinic on Groundbreaker. Ellie, it’s – I know what it’s supposed to do, it’s supposed to help with anxiety, which, I admit, I have a lot of. But when I used it I just felt so damn good for once. But then I crashed hard, and it was even worse, and that’s why Max has my inhaler, because I might – I might try to use it again.”

Ellie sat in silence for several moments. “That explains a lot,” she said. “But you still should’ve taken out the cartridge, or asked me to do it. Maybe I can tinker with it, see what the actual dosage is.”

“It’s supposed to be already the lowest dose.”

“Yeah, but the label could be wrong. Who knows.” She looked at him critically. “We keep calling you acedic, but have you ever actually been diagnosed? At all?”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“So you haven’t been. Fuck.” She pulled out a cigarette case, took one smoke from it, then hesitated at his frown and put it away. “Cap, you gotta see someone about this.”

“You’re here.” Rowan wanted to point out that she wasn’t bothering to explain what ‘acedic’ meant, and it would be nice to know, but –

“Not me. A remediatrist. Someone who specializes in that sort of brain chemistry stuff.”

“A remediatrist? Where would I even find one?” And what did they do?

“Byzantium’s the only place you’ll get a good one. And it’ll cost money. But, Cap, it’s gotta get done. You just have to figure out how to pay for it. Or maybe blackmail them into seeing you.”

“That… doesn’t seem like a good idea.”

“Are you kidding? It’s a great idea, if we can pull it off. But figuring out how to blackmail one could take just as long as getting money by working.” Ellie drummed her short fingernails against the cigarette case, tak-tak-tak-tak.

Rowan looked at the case. “That looks fancy,” he said. It was that funny gold-silver gilt color, with raised corners and something in the middle under her fingers.

“Sorry, Cap, not selling it. Plus it just looks fancy. Not all that special. No, you have to either do a lot more freelance jobs, and hope you don’t lose your mind in the meantime, or figure out a quick and easy way to make some bits.”


	16. Taking Inventory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan reviews the ship's inventory and talks with ADA.

No tossball practice for Rowan on the first day homeward, Ellie said. Rowan still went to watch. Max’s knee was improved enough for him to resume, and Rowan found himself wishing he could take part too. At least he could watch, maybe he could still learn something.

He didn’t want to think about the space station, or Sublight, or what might happen. That felt sort of far away, after a night of sleep, but Rowan worried it would haunt him like everything else seemed to.

Then some more games, and this time Max joined them for Marketshare. Then dinner; Felix said he’d cook, which meant everyone expected Purpleberry Lunch boxes, but instead it was all the boarst and beans anyone could want, with toast.

Rowan hadn’t liked beans before the _Hope_ , didn’t like them now, but Felix was so obviously trying hard to help out and actually cook. Rowan wondered who’d given him the idea. “Tastes great, Felix,” he said, eating plenty of toast to get the B&B down.

“Thanks, Boss! Parvati found two whole pallets of these while doing inventory!”

“Right, you and Max were doing that, Parvati. Anything besides, uh, boarst that I should know about?”

“Well, there’s no other envirosuits, and we should really get a replacement when we reach Groundbreaker,” Parvati said. Rowan’s recent poor financial choices poked him in the hindbrain. “There’s the canned food, which we can eat for weeks, if, you know, you don’t mind eating this and not much else.”

The doctor had said he was underweight, but Rowan wasn’t sure he could face weeks of B&B, with or without toast. “Enough to sell?” he asked, daring to hope.

“Not the boarst ‘n beans. Maybe the previous captain liked it?”

“No,” ADA said, making them all jump. “My previous captain preferred efficiency. Buying industrial quantities of a single item is cheaper and more efficient than buying many small different items, so he said.”

“Wait a minute,” Rowan said. “ADA, do you know what’s in the holds already?”

“Affirmative.”

“And you can listen to everything we say in here, right?”

“Also affirmative.”

“So when I asked Parvati and Max to do inventory, why didn’t you speak up?”

“You were not addressing me, Captain.”

Felix snickered. Looking around, Rowan saw this amused everyone, except maybe himself. “Okay. I get it. So is there a manifest or inventory that I can look at, to see what we have?”

“Correct.”

“Please put it through to my cabin terminal,” Rowan said. He pushed aside the remains of his meal. “Parvati, do you have your list?”

“Right here, Captain.”

“Let me have it? Thanks. I want to compare notes.”

“Hey, I cooked,” Felix said. “You can’t just leave that there.”

“You’re right.” Rowan looked around the table. “Ellie, clean up tonight, okay?”

“After saving your noggin?”

“I’ll make up a duty roster if it helps.”

“It won’t.”

“Do it, Ellie,” Rowan said. They’d seemed to be getting along, and now she was back to her old self. Time to check the manifest.

~ ~ ~

It looked like Parvati and Max had found everything there was to find. A big selection of board games, which would help a lot in their upcoming travels. A bunch of tools, which Parvati had laid claim to; Rowan guessed they’d belonged to Hawthorne before. As sole captain and crew, he would have had to fix things himself.

“What’s ‘tile-ritos’, ADA?”

“A snack food that my previous captain ordered in bulk, then discovered he intensely disliked them. They are fairly common.”

So, eat or sell them? What were they made of? To… tobaccorn? What the heck was – no, Rowan decided he didn’t want to know, and didn’t want to eat it. He really wanted to sell them if he could; he didn’t want his crew eating it either.

“ADA?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Alex Hawthorne seems like he was a smart man.”

“I believe so.”

“He was able to be a freelancer, and make a living at it,” Rowan went on. “Did he, or you, keep records of what he did?”

“Yes. They are available in your terminal.”

If he could access Hawthorne’s logs, he could probably figure out what jobs to take. Even find Hawthorne’s old contacts, maybe, say he’d inherited the business. “I’m sorry that he died, ADA,” Rowan said. That was true, too. Hawthorne was supposed to be his guide, or pilot; Welles had said so.

“Thank you, Captain. It’s most unfortunate that he is gone. I do wonder if his injury contributed to his death.”

“Injury?” Rowan looked up toward the ceiling, which is where he thought ADA’s speaker was.

“Yes. He had had a recent head injury prior to his visit to Edgewater. I am not a medical computer, and when I asked if he was unwell, he said he was fine.”

Boy, did Rowan know how that went. “I’m sorry,” he said again. If Hawthorne hadn’t gotten himself squished under Rowan’s landing pod, Rowan wouldn’t have to figure out how to become a freelancer. He wouldn’t have to figure out all this money stuff.

Then again, Rowan probably wouldn’t have had the freedom to hire crew, since he wouldn’t be captain.

Wait… Hawthorne had… Rowan tried to remember. Hawthorne, or at least his corpse, had been holding the guidance beacon for the pod. Hadn’t Welles said something about, he should’ve set it down and gotten a safe distance away? If Hawthorne wasn’t thinking clearly, because of head trauma – like from one of those damn mines, Rowan thought – then… oof. It didn’t change anything, though.

And Welles had said “oh, go find his ship and I guess it’s yours now” and Rowan had just gone along with it, because he was too discombobulated to know what he was doing or where he was. Now that he looked back on it, had Welles even expressed sadness over Hawthorne’s death? Sure, he was hired for a job, they weren’t friends, but… Rowan couldn’t remember Welles being affected by it at all.

Rowan shook his head. His own memory might be playing tricks on him. He’d had a concussion, after all. But he now had some idea what to do over the next few days: find out everything he could about Hawthorne’s business. There had to be something in there he could use.

“ADA,” he said, “I don’t know if this is how Alex Hawthorne programmed you, but… it seems like you don’t like me.”

“I am an astrogator, Captain. Not a human.”

“Yes, I know that. It’s just…” Rowan sighed. “You’re withholding information from me, and… ADA, if something happens to me, I don’t know who your next captain would be. Maybe one of the crew. Maybe you’d be taken over by someone else, and they wouldn’t want you as independent as you are.” Rowan sighed and set the manifest ‘pad on the desk. “I’m going to talk to Max.”


	17. Counseling with Max

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan talks with Max, and finally finds out what 'acedic' means.

Max’s door was open. Most of the time the doors were left open. Rowan assumed it was because their rooms were so small. Closing them in must feel like a prison. The door being open, Rowan stood in the doorway. “Hey, Max – oh. You look good.”

Max wore the clothes he’d bought a week ago on Groundbreaker. “Thank you, Captain. They feel… wrong, but I’ll get used to them.”

“Wrong? Like… they fit bad?”

“No, because I’ve worn vestments for years,” Max said, picking up the tossball cards on his little table and stacking them neatly. “What’s on your mind, Captain?”

“I – “ Rowan looked up and down the hall, then stepped inside and slid the door closed. “Max, you said the other day, something about my ‘acedic nature’. And Ellie asked me, after my concussion, if I’d ever been diagnosed as acedic. That you all call me that.”

Whatever Max had expected, it wasn’t that. “I can’t speak for them, Captain. While I do take confession, none of your crew is terribly religious.” His smile was small.

“What does acedic mean?”

Max stared in puzzlement. “You don’t – oh.” His expression cleared. “I suppose that’s a more modern term, then. Not one you’re used to. It, er…” He cleared his throat. “An acedic persion is one with a negative personality imbalance. Unable to find joy in work. Struggles to get along with others and therefore causes negativity in them as well, leading to reduced productivity. Perpetually unhappy. Potentially dangerous to themselves. It’s caused by – well. I was always taught that such a person needed to work harder, that they did this to themselves by not being happy with their place in the Great Plan. Now…”

“Depressive,” Rowan said. “Probably morbidly depressed, or clinically, whatever the word is. Is that what you’re saying?”

“Depressed? Such as, held down?”

“That word doesn’t exist anymore, I guess.” Rowan didn’t know whether to scream or cry. “I bet they got rid of it. Renamed it. Hey, it’s not your brain chemistry or your surroundings doing it to you, it’s because you don’t work hard enough. Oh my God.” He put a hand to his head.

“Captain – Rowan – why don’t you sit down,” Max said. He gestured toward the only chair, and Rowan took it. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? It’s not like you changed the word.”

“No, but - what about before the _Hope_?”

“I never felt this bad before I woke up. I mean, yeah, sometimes bad, but nothing I couldn’t get through, you know? And then the opportunity came to go to another planet, and I thought, this is my chance! I can start over.” Rowan shook his head and leaned over, elbows on knees. “So you’re saying I’m probably suicidally depressed and no one wants to be around me. That sounds right. _Acedic_. Wait – “ He looked up sharply. “Ellie said a remediatrist can fix it, on Byzantium. What would they do?”

“A remediatrist? I don’t know what they’d do,” Max said. “Byzantium is the highest echelon of Halcyon society. I… suppose they might _not_ just tell you to work harder.”

“Maybe they get some medications? Ones that don’t screw with their heads too much?”

“That, I can’t say,” Max said. “Captain, I’ve heard of the term, but I don’t know what they do.”

“Right, right, you said that.” Rowan hung his head again. “Max. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

“I know, Captain.”

“That’s why I bought all that LBF. And now I can’t even take that. Maybe I can’t take any of Halcyon’s medications. Won’t that be fun.”

“Ellie discussed the inhaler problem with me this afternoon,” Max said. “She’ll try to reduce the dosage some more so you can use it. If you could, and it works, we don’t have to save money for a remediatrist.”

“And if it doesn’t, I’m still up a creek.” Rowan finally sat up straight. “Max. I’m tired of living like this.”

“I don’t blame you. I can’t imagine what it’s like.”

“No, I guess you can’t.” Rowan looked directly at the former vicar. “Max, before the, uh, before the trip to Scylla, you were a real pill.”

“Is that bad?”

“Yeah, you were always snippy at people and just… you’ve been better, since that.”

“You have a strange way of giving compliments, Captain,” Max said, but without malice.

“I know, I’m doing a terrible job. But you’re a lot easier to talk to since then, and… I really need someone to talk to, sometimes. Thanks.” Rowan held out his hand.

Max took it in that weird Halcyon way which Rowan still wasn’t used to. “Of course, Captain. We’ve both changed. You don’t still feel guilty about that, do you?”

Rowan considered. “No, actually. If there’s one thing that LBF did, ever since I took it, I don’t feel guilty about that anymore.”

“Thank the Law for any small favors.”

Silence settled between them. Rowan wanted to break it, wanted to keep conversing, but didn’t know what else to say. That, at least, felt normal. “Max,” he said, on an impulse, “if I’m so acedic, and that’s a problem… why is everyone sticking around? Except Nyoka.” Her story of “needing to get stuff done” on Groundbreaker was probably a polite fiction, now that he thought about it.

Max spread his hands wide. “Felix had never left Groundbreaker, had no job, no family and no prospects. Now, he seems enthralled by visiting new planets and fighting the wildlife. Parvati had never left Edgewater, much less Terra 2, and wanted to be a ship’s engineer. She is concerned about you and worries for you, as well.

“Ellie… claims to have been a sawbones for pirate crews. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s possible she’s concerned for you also; or she may have other reasons. Finding a ship to crew on is not as easy as you might think, Captain. It may be easier to fix you than to find one with equally lax policies.”

“Lax?”

“You don’t ask very much of your crew.” Max smiled a little. “At least, so far.”

“Okay.” Rowan chalked that up to not knowing what he was doing. “And you, Max? Why are you still around?”

“If I leave the OSI, then I need to find employment somewhere else, don’t I? And I don’t know that I could return to Spacer’s Choice, or any of the corporations, now that my eyes are opened.”

“Please don’t tell me you want me to overthrow the Board too, Max.”

“Very well, I won’t tell you.”

Rowan smiled despite himself. “So what you’re saying is, all of you are sticking around because the alternatives are worse?”

“I’m sure that’s not the only reason for some of us.”

Another long pause as Rowan's brain focused intensely about what that could mean, or whether he was right.

“I hope I can live up to everyone’s trust in me,” Rowan said at last. They could leave him at any time, after all. Felix might choose to stay on Monarch, Parvati could stay on Groundbreaker with Junlei…

“Captain, you’ve had setbacks, but you’re still here, and you’re doing your best.” Max rested his hands on his knees. “Was there anything else you wanted to discuss?”

“I suppose not. Thanks, Max.” They both stood.

“Of course, Captain. Will I see you at tossball practice tomorrow?”

“If Ellie says I can, yeah, I’ll be there. It actually came in useful on that space station,” Rowan said, with a little pride.

“Did it! I thought it was uninhabited?”

“It was, but… I wasn’t totally sure of that,” Rowan hedged. “I kind of beat back the darkness.”

Max clapped him on the shoulder. “Then I’m glad it’s helped you, and even more reason for you to continue.”

“I’ll be there, Max. I promise.”


	18. Intermission: Art

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gift art from [Saltunafish](https://saltunafish.tumblr.com/) of Rowan! I'm in love with this, it's so good :)


	19. Positivity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan hears some much-needed positive things.

“The problem is,” Ellie said, “there’s no way to test what dosage is safe except for you to take it and see what happens. Which could be fun, but maybe not your kind of fun.”

Rowan had to agree. “If we did – probably this is the safest time, while we’re traveling, with everyone aware of it.”

“If,” Ellie said. “It’s up to you.”

Rowan rested his jaw in his hand and looked at the inhaler on the table between them. If it worked… then they’d bought him some time, if nothing else, until he had to see a remediatrist. He could earn money. If it worked, then he hadn’t wasted money on buying all that drug. 

If it didn’t work, he was back where he was now. Except this time the crew would know about it, would keep track of him, and probably would help him when it wore off. Maybe he could schedule it so it would wear off close to bedtime and he’d sleep off the worst effects. He could hope.

“And if it works,” he said slowly, “how often would I take it?”

“You remember you’re not supposed to take it all the time,” Ellie said. She had a way of sitting in a chair that looked too casual to be actually laid-back. “Only when you start feeling anxious. Then it blunts the anxiety. It doesn’t actually cure it. Just stops you from feeling it for a while. That’s part of why you crash afterward, y’know. This stuff is to keep workers working.”

Considering Rowan still felt anxious a lot of every day, “only take it when you feel anxious” might as well amount to “all the time”. “So even if it works, I still should get to Byzantium and see a remediatrist,” he said.

“I think it’s your best bet for long-term care. Maybe they’ll know what to do with all that LBF you’ve got, too.”

Hope sprang in Rowan’s chest. “You think they’d buy it?”

“Law, I don’t know, Cap. I said ‘maybe’ they’d know what to do with it. Maybe they’ll buy it. Maybe this is your big break to become a drug smuggler.”

So much for that. “Hawthorne did do some kind of smuggling,” Rowan said. “I looked in his records. But he seems to have done whatever work came his way.”

“So what happened to him, that he left you his ship? Did you know him long?”

“Not – really,” Rowan said, acutely aware that ADA was listening in. “There was a bad accident just when I landed on Terra-2. He… unfortunately for all of us, he died. I rescued his ship from the Edgewater authorities, who tried to impound it.” And, now that he had to remember those times, Rowan felt very very bad about leaving Hawthorne’s body behind and not even attempting to cover it up or anything. Welles had really taken advantage of him then, hadn’t he? Oops, pilot’s dead, just keep moving, leave him behind, grab his ship and let’s go.

What was Welles’ motive in all this, anyway? He kept saying he wanted to save the colonists. But why? Maybe he should try to contact Welles and ask. On the other hand, maybe Welles would suggest overthrowing the Board too, and Rowan didn’t want to deal with that at the moment.

He realized Ellie was watching him. She held an unlit cigarette in her hand. Probably she smoked somewhere else in the ship that he didn’t visit. “Hit you kinda hard, did it?” she asked.

Rowan nodded. “I feel bad about it, even though there was nothing I could do.”

“You’re a sensitive type,” Ellie said. “The world isn’t easy for sensitive people.”

“And I suppose you think I need to stop being so sensitive?” Sometimes she was so helpful, and other times so infuriating. 

“Cap.” Ellie leaned forward, both arms on the table. “Being sensitive about other people will get you hurt. Best thing you can do with your life is look out for yourself first, because nobody else will.”

“That sounds very self-serving.”

Ellie sat back with a grin. “Yeah, it is, and you know what? I’m still alive and doin’ fine.”

“So what do you get out of being on my crew?”

“Are you kidding?” She really grinned now. “You’re not like any other captain I’ve ever crewed with, and it shows. You’re a novelty, cap. Sometimes you have me half believing that story about you and the Hope. I wanna see what happens next.”

~ ~ ~

Parvati looked surprised. “Captain, you gave me a chance when nobody else would. Now I’m a ship’s engineer, and I’m seeing places I ain’t never been before. And I wouldn’t have met Junlei if not for you taking me on. I know you’re a good man, and you’re trying hard. I just wish we could do something to get you on even footing again. If you were a machine, I’m sure I’d know right away how to take care of you. I mean – “ she stammered, looking away awkwardly.

“I get what you mean, Parvati,” Rowan said. “And thanks. I think I needed to hear something good.”

~ ~ ~

“Are you kidding?” Felix looked up from his bunk, where he’d been reading a dog-eared issue of Dissident Hunter. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Boss. On Groundbreaker, without a job? I’d be in bad shape. No job, no bits, no food, no nothin’. And being with you is like being in a serial! We found a space station filled with bodies held in stasis, that’s a mystery right there, and then the UDL came and you talked ‘em down and everything! And on Monarch, getting to fight monsters? Void yeah, this is awesome! Way better than moving boxes and crates around, for sure. I owe you.”

“Thanks, Felix.” Most of his crew, then, were happy to be around him, despite his problems. The tightness in Rowan’s chest eased. When he got back to Groundbreaker, he’d ask Lilya at Sublight what the might do about the people still trapped there. He had to as least mention them, right? And ask that they not be powered down? It was the least he could do for them.

In the meantime, now that he’d had a chance to let his subconscious work on Hawthorne’s files, Rowan thought he’d go over them again and see what kind of work he might be able to pick up.


	20. Half Full or Half Empty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan and crew decide on the next attempt at his mental health care.

Rowan looked at his crew as they sat around the kitchen table. Were all ships like this? Kind of informal? Or had Hawthorne just really preferred this one, or modified it? He’d never know. He cleared his throat and said, “I have something to say – mostly to you,” he looked and pointed to Parvati and Felix, “because you aren’t privy to some of the discussions.”

“Privy, Captain?”

“Sorry, um – you don’t know what we’ve been talking about. Me and Max and Ellie.” Rowan set the inhaler on the table before him. “You all know that Ellie got me this because after I was thawed and retrieved from the Hope, my health, physical health that is, hasn’t been the best.”

Nods and agreement.

“So… I also understand that you all think I’m acedic.”

“Maybe a little,” Parvati said reluctantly.

“You’ve been concussed and there was that thing with the acid spit-monster,” Felix said. “That could get to anyone. Plus, y’know, the Hope thing. I believe you, Boss,” he added, when Rowan looked curiously at him. “It makes a way better story if you were secretly held prisoner in an abandoned colony ship.”

“Oh. Uh… Thanks, Felix.” Rowan nudged the inhaler. “The thing is, when we were last on Groundbreaker – “

“Yeah, you hit your head there too.”

“Felix, I’m talking.”

“Sorry, Boss.”

“On Groundbreaker,” Rowan resumed, “I talked to the doctor there and he sold me this drug called LBF, for anxiety.”

“Did it work?” Parvati asked.

“A little too well?” Rowan waggled his hand. “It kinda took me all the way past not being anxious to being… what’s the word… the point is, Max and Ellie think some drugs affect me way stronger than they would ordinarily affect people.”

“It makes sense,” Ellie said. “You react very well to Adreno, and based on what you’ve said otherwise, any drug you take should probably be reduced in dosage just so you get a normal reaction.”

“Wait, does that mean – on Scylla - ?” Parvati asked.

“Yeah, that’s… why I got sick and threw up,” Rowan said. Stick to that story, which was, after all, still true. “And Max didn’t. So the thing is, I have a lot of LBF, before we realized that it messes with my head.”

“So cut it in half,” Felix suggested. “You can do that. Right?”

“I can,” Ellie said, “but that’s as far as I can do it. Less than that and we need someone who can actually revit with the doses on these inhaler cartridges.”

“And that’s why I’ve got you all here,” Rowan said. “I wanted to talk it over with you all, first. Before we get back to Groundbreaker, I thought,” he felt the nerves starting to surge up, “I thought I could try the half dose and see if it works. Because if it does, at least I can still use the LBF. If it doesn’t, then I probably have to see a remediatrist on Byzantium, and that’ll take money.”

Everyone looked at the inhaler.

Max cleared his throat. “You’re telling us this because you intend to do it? Or you’re asking our opinions on this plan?”

Rowan hesitated for a moment. “If I do it, everyone has to know about it, to… keep an eye on me, I guess. And I’d rather try it here than on Groundbreaker. On Groundbreaker I bought way too much of it because I was high on it at the time.”

“How bad is it, Captain?” Parvati asked.

“The first time, I felt really good for a few hours, and then really horrible,” Rowan said. “So that’s part of this test. If the half dose – I hope that it won’t get me so high, it’ll still keep me functional, and the crash won’t be as bad afterward.”

“You’re playing with your health, Captain,” Parvati said. “I understand if you need to do it. But it seems a little risky, is all. If you don’t mind me saying.”

“I don’t mind at all, Parvati. I guess Max is right, I want everyone’s opinions before I try this, because in a way it affects all of you, too.”

“Dr. Fenhill,” Max said, “would a half dose give half the effects?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure,” Ellie said. “This sort of thing isn’t really my specialty. I know about it because I have to know, but I’m more of a sawbones, patch you together after a brawl, kind of doctor. Inhalers are common, you all know that, but LBF is something else again. Plus, Cap here reacts differently to things. Maybe it’ll work like it should. Maybe he won’t feel it at all. Maybe it’ll have some new effect. Who knows?”

“Boss, I think you should try it. We’re all here. We can lock up your weapons if that helps,” Felix said.

“One of us can be with you and make sure you’re okay,” Parvati agreed. “But what do we do if things are bad?” She looked to Ellie.

“Depends how you define ‘bad’, I guess. If he starts acting really weird, then yeah it’s a problem and he’ll have to come down from it.” Ellie shrugged. “Or likely to commit FWA. Stuff like that.”

Rowan looked at the former vicar, who hadn’t spoken much yet. “Max?”

Max steepled his fingers as he leaned on the table. “I think you should try,” he said at last. “But if I remember correctly, LBF is only to be used occasionally, not constantly. So even if this works, you have to learn how to handle your mental state without it.”

That was a very good point, actually. “So I might still need to see a remediatrist.”

“You should anyway,” Ellie said. “Thing is, if the half dose works, it’s a lot less critical.”

“Okay.” Rowan looked toward the ceiling. “ADA?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Did she sound very neutral or was he imagining it? “How many hours until sleep cycle?”

“Four, Captain.”

“Four hours. Okay.” Rowan picked up the inhaler. “Four hours should be enough for it to start wearing off. If there’s a crash, maybe I can sleep through it. Oh, and there’s dry mouth, too. Do we have anything besides those berry candies?”

Felix shrugged. “You can have some of mine, if you want, Boss. We can get more on Groundbreaker. All I’ve got is Purpleberry, though.”

Definitely had to brush teeth before bed if he was going to combat dry mouth with those, Rowan thought, remembering how they made his teeth feel. “D’you brush your teeth after eating those, Felix?”

Felix looked at him and started to almost laugh. “What’s that mean, Boss?”

“They make my teeth feel gross. Furry. Anyway, start brushing your teeth before bed, okay?”

Felix looked at him like he’d sprouted antlers. Max tried to conceal a smile behind a hand.

“He’s right, Felix,” Ellie said. “You should be doing it anyway.”

“Okay.” Rowan still held the inhaler, and wanted to get this over with before the meeting derailed itself. “Here goes.”


	21. At What Cost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan experiences the half-dose of LBF.

It didn’t feel like anything. Not like the crackling of Adreno, not like the vinegar fire of a full dose of LBF. Sort of spicy, maybe, but… it wasn’t much of anything, otherwise. 

Well, that was to be expected, he supposed. It was a weaker dose. Maybe it was all or nothing, in which case he’d have to just write off the LBF, possibly sell it back to Groundbreaker’s clinic at a loss, but it would be some return on a poor investment.

Rowan looked around at his crew. They were watching him in turn. Waiting to see if he snapped. Max was right; he had to get this under control, personally, as much as possible, before seeing the remediatrist.

“Ellie,” he said, cocking his head on one side, “how do you know so much about Byzantium?”

“Hey, you travel enough, you hear things,” she said.

“Have you been there?” he asked.

“Wow, what did we say about personal information when I came aboard, Cap?” Ellie narrowed her eyes at him.

“That’s right, you evade or refuse to answer.” Rowan tucked the inhaler into his shirt pocket and stood. “I have work to do. Felix, clean your room and then the bathroom.”

“Hey, I already do the cooking!”

“Parvati will now do the cooking,” Rowan said. “It’s just reheating food and making toast. I need to look into a few things when we visit Groundbreaker.”

He left the meeting and went to the navigation console. “ADA,” he said, “Do you have a navkey to Byzantium?”

“I do not, Captain. But I think I know who might.”

“Who?”

“Phineas Welles. To effectively retrieve the colonists, the Board must either allow them to return, or perhaps be overthrown, as Felix Millstone likes to put it. Welles freed you from the colony ship. He must know that you will have to visit Byzantium to continue.”

“Can you get to wherever Welles is?”

“I can. Captain Hawthorne visited Phineas Welles more than once.”

Rowan thought. Welles was still the key to all this, somehow, or at least the person behind Rowan’s current situation. “Who _is_ Phineas Welles?” he asked ADA.

“Phineas Welles is a rogue scientist and terrorist wanted for crimes against the Halcyon colony. There is a significant reward for information on his whereabouts.”

Better and better, Rowan thought. “Can we change course now, or do we have to wait until we visit Groundbreaker, to visit him?”

“It would be more efficient to visit Groundbreaker first.”

“Thank you, ADA.” Rowan lapsed into thought. Once on Groundbreaker, he’d confront Lilya Hagen about the space station and tell her what happened with UDL. The people in stasis pods were an unfortunate problem, but ultimately that was now Lilya’s problem, not Rowan’s. Whatever she decided, she was unlikely to take much or any input from a new contract employee on what to do with her property.

A significant reward for information, and ADA knew how to reach Welles’ location…

“Captain.”

“Yes, ADA.”

“Welles may not want visitors.”

“That’s too bad, because I want answers.”

~ ~ ~

Rowan returned to the living quarters level of the ship. He could hear Felix grousing in the bathroom; Felix’s room wasn’t really that unclean, because nobody owned much. Few possessions meant it was harder to make a mess with them. It was efficient, really. Things just weighed you down…

He nodded to Max and Parvati, and went to his cabin to make sense out of Hawthorne’s logs and records. If Hawthorne had visited Welles before – more than once – there might be something in those records. 

Unfortunately either Hawthorne hadn’t recorded them, or had coded them, or otherwise blurred the trail; but Rowan couldn’t determine what Hawthorne had moved, as a smuggler, only where and to whom. Some of those appeared to be semi-regular, and those would be a good starting point for more work. 

But did he need this entire crew for basic smuggling? Hard to say. If he was a glorified delivery van, maybe not. They were nice to have around, though. Except maybe Ellie… who, Rowan decided, had to have been to Byzantium. He shrugged. Let her keep her secrets for now, it hardly mattered.

Rowan looked up when he heard a polite cough from his doorway. The captain’s cabin was larger than the crew’s quarters by a long shot, but Rowan had gotten in the habit of leaving the door open like the rest of them. He saw Max at the doorway. “Yes, Max?”

“Captain… how have you been, since you took the half dose?”

Rowan checked the time on his terminal. Two hours already! He’d gotten a lot done. “Productive,” he said. “This is the way LBF is supposed to be, isn’t it?”

“Not having taken it myself, I can’t say.” Max approached Rowan’s desk. “You’re definitely less agitated.”

“I can see why Halcyon has this,” Rowan said. “Though I’m not looking forward to the crash, whenever it happens. I’d better get as much done as I can before then.” He read the terminal for a few lines, then looked again to Max. “Have you been flirting with me?” he asked.

Max blinked in surprise. “Excuse me, Captain?”

“Just some of your behavior recently. I meant to ask about it when I was less coherent than I am now. The other me isn’t very good at a lot of things, is he?” Rowan made a small smile with his teeth, and no humor in his eyes. “When I’m drugged, I’m a better person.”

“Not true, Captain.”

“Oh?” Rowan turned his chair to face Max directly. “On full LBF I’m sociable. I’m happy. On half-LBF I’m productive. On that stuff from Scylla, I’m…” He looked aside for a moment. “Wanton.”

“Captain, you’re under medication at this moment. This might not be – “

“Max.” Rowan stood up, pushing the chair back. “This is the third mood-modifying drug or dosage I’ve been on since I was thawed. The evidence is, yes, I’m very susceptible. I’d argue that in some cases that might be an advantage, because baseline-me is a mess, to put it bluntly.”

“Which you and I have discussed,” Max said. “And in today’s meeting, I did say you need a way to handle this without resorting to drugs.”

Rowan drummed his fingers on the top of the terminal. “That’s a good point,” he said. “While I think this current mood is probably best for me in the long-term, I don’t know that I can maintain it. Ideally I’d have some kind of auto-feeder giving me a constant drip, but I don’t think that’s possible with current Halcyon technology outside of a hospital or clinic.”

“Captain. May I ask some questions of you?”

“Of course.” Rowan leaned back against the desk.

“What are your feelings toward the _Hope_ and its occupants?”

Rowan considered. “They’re better off where they are for now.”

“And Halcyon?”

“Corrupt and doomed to fall, but that will happen whether I’m involved or not.”

“What about Parvati?”

That surprised Rowan. “Parvati is naïve, but means well and is loyal to people, sometimes beyond what they deserve. She has important skills for a mechanic, as far as I understand them, and I’m glad that she’s found some happiness with Junlei.”

“And Felix?”

“An immature wannabe who thinks real life is like the trashy serials he watches.”

“Do you consider yourself their friend?”

Rowan had to think on that. “I don’t know. I suppose so, given that I know very few people at all, and most of them are on this ship.” He blinked, remembering something. “I have work to do before this wears off, Max.”

“I understand. I won’t take up any more of your time.”

Max was gone before Rowan realized he’d never gotten an answer to the question he’d asked Max in the first place. Well. It wasn’t important.


	22. Return to Baseline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan comes down from the half-dose of LBF.

“More B&B, Captain?”

“No, thank you, Parvati.”

“I dunno, I think Parvati’s got a better touch at reheating canned food than some of us,” Ellie said, looking at Felix.

“Mine’s just as good,” Felix said.

“It’s irrelevant,” Rowan said. They all turned to look at him. “It’s canned food. It’s reheated. There’s no actual difference unless you burn it.”

“Yeah, you’re under the influence all right,” Ellie said. “You’re more on the ball and a lot less fun to be around.”

“I doubt anyone considers me ‘fun’ in my natural state,” Rowan said. He finished cleaning his plate. He was underweight, he had to gain weight for better health, the taste of the stuff was irrelevant.

“Now, Captain, that ain’t exactly true,” Parvati protested.

“Yeah, Boss, you’re kinda weird like this. Like an automechanical. Except in human form. Like in that serial, _Attack of the_ – “

“I’m going back to work,” Rowan interrupted. “I’ll be in my cabin if something should be brought to my attention.”

~ ~ ~

The crash, when it came, wasn’t so much of a crash this time. And Rowan knew it was coming, so he felt it happening: when he began to doubt his actions of the day. This is the crash, he told himself, as he lay in bed in the dark, the stars shining through the big window. That’s all. You did fine today. You got so much done. You cut through all the shit in your brain, and were useful.

 _You also said some mean things about people_ , another part of his brain pointed out.

That was the drug talking. It wasn't really me. I don't believe those things I said. They're not true. I like my crew. They're good people.

**_Was_ ** _it the drug? Or was it really you in there? Like how they say, getting drunk shows people what you’re really like when you don’t govern your own actions._

Rowan rolled on his side, as if to get away from his thoughts.

_Like when you were on Scylla, with the Vicar? You really showed what a –_

Max is a good man. He doesn’t see me like that.

_Oh really? Are you sure? Have you asked him?_

I don’t need to. I can tell. Stop thinking about this.

_Sure. How about Felix? I bet he heard what you said about him._

No he didn’t! Rowan wrapped the pillow around his head. “This is the drug talking, this is the drug talking,” he muttered, because if he did that, he could maybe drown out the thoughts. But that got hard to keep saying, so he tried to recite anything – unfortunately all he could remember were advertising jingles and old stupid jokes and memeticks. Anything to keep from thinking. If he could get to sleep he could sleep through this and be okay in the morning.

At least he wasn’t suicidal right now. Thank the Law for small favors, indeed.

~ ~ ~

Rowan woke groggy and exhausted despite the sleep. He’d forgotten that LBF would give vivid dreams, and boy, were they. His mouth tasted disgusting (yes, even after brushing last night to get rid of the purpleberry fuzz) and his head hurt and those dreams had felt so real. Which was just too bad that most of them were unpleasant or worse.

He accepted a cup of something hot from Parvati, thanked her, and sat at the kitchen table. Was he supposed to do tossball today? He couldn’t imagine doing it while feeling somewhat hungover. Dream-over? Drug-over? Rowan ran a hand through his hair (it was getting long) and drank some more.

“Did you sleep okay, Captain?” Parvati looked genuinely concerned.

He could’ve been a pill about it. _Do I look like I did?_ But she was trying to be nice about it. She knew he hadn’t slept well. “Not really, no, but it happens,” he said. “Thanks for the…” He looked down at his cup.

“Trip-Teaz,” Parvati said. “I added a little sweetener, too.” She lowered her voice. “I guessed you didn’t want Purpleberry Fizzy Tea.”

Good God, how many Purpleberry-flavored things were there? “Thanks, Parvati,” Rowan said with a smile. “I like it. Yeah, Purpleberry isn’t really my favorite.”

“Are you feeling better?”

Rowan shrugged with one shoulder. “Depends how you define better? I’m not like I was last night. I guess you’re stuck with regular me today.”

“Now, Captain,” she said reproachfully. “You shouldn’t be so bad on yourself. You’re good at games, and you an’ me are learning tossball pretty good – well, sort of,” Parvati said, with her own smile. “And you’re nice. Almost all the time. Last night, you weren’t real pleasant to be around.”

“I kinda gathered.”

“Just be careful using that stuff,” Parvati went on. “It was almost like you were on Adrena-Time when it was real strong, and you were real cold to everyone on the half dose.”

“So… why isn’t LBF everywhere?” Rowan asked. “I’d think the corporations would want everyone taking it.” He looked up as Ellie entered the kitchen.

“Well, if it’s like Adrena-Time, the side effects aren’t worth it,” Ellie said, pouring herself a cup of Trip-Teaz. “Workers need to work, not see enemies in every corner and decide to lash out at them. Adrena-Time’s label does warn against violent psychosis.”

“The cartridges I bought don’t say that, do they?” Rowan asked, alarmed.

“No, but maybe they did on the box. Maybe that’s why they sold you so much. You had cash and they probably have a limited clientele for a drug even the corporations can’t use nonstop on people.” Ellie drank her tea, leaning against the counter. “Or maybe nobody used it in a while and someone needed bits.”

So he was still stuck. Good for emergencies, not for everyday. Yeah, he’d have to figure out how to get better on his own. No magic pill for him. By now his tea had cooled to tepid and Rowan downed the rest of it. He’d better prepare for tossball practice.


	23. Let Us Help You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan tries to find a way to make money.

The remaining time to Groundbreaker passed uneventfully, except for once when time snapped on Rowan during a shower of all things. He’d just held still until it passed, and other than that, he practiced tossball, played games with the crew, and worked to figure out what they could do next for smuggling, because that appeared to be the only real easy way to make money. He hoped it wouldn’t be too awful. What could be smuggled in the Halcyon colony? Drugs, sure, but what else? Banned books or serials? Rowan hadn’t seen anything that wasn’t Board-approved.

That reminded him of something, and he went looking for Max, finding him in the hold where tossball practice took place. Max looked up from repairing the heavy stitching on one of the sticks. “Captain?”

“I didn’t know you could fix those,” Rowan said, momentarily distracted. “I mean, I know people fix them. I didn’t know _you_ could.”

“It helps to know such things,” Max said. “What brings you down here?”

Rowan sat on the bench next to him. “That book of yours, the one you had me find for you when we first met.”

“The Bakonu journal.” Max made a face. “In French.”

“Right, that one. That was a banned book, right?”

“Technically, a heretical text,” Max clarified. “Because it may not have aligned precisely with modern Scientism’s…” He sighed and rested the stick over his knees.

“We never did get it translated,” Rowan said. “Right?”

“You’re right. Though honestly, I have no idea if it would be worth it. Scientism is a lie, so Bakonu’s wisdom on it is probably also a lie.” Max shrugged. “I still have it, in my room. Getting it translated and finding out its truth seems pointless now.”

Rowan had to agree with that. “Is there a big market for banned books?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I was the only one who wanted to read Bakonu’s journal,” Max said. “I suppose actual dissident materials would be considered banned, but dissidents spread those on purpose. I don’t think most people want to buy something that can land them in serious trouble with the Board.” He looked sharply at Rowan. “Why this interest in the journal?”

“It’s not the journal itself. You know we need money. Bits. ” Rowan leaned forward, resting his forearms on his legs. “Because of me blowing it all on a drug I can barely use.”

“If it helps, I should have realized you weren’t yourself,” Max said.

“Thanks, Max, but it was still me.” Rowan shook his head and sat back. “Looks like I make really poor decisions under the influence.”

Max chuckled. “You’re hardly the first man guilty of that.”

Rowan smiled despite himself. “I suppose. But the reason I asked about the journal is, Hawthorne was a smuggler, mostly. Obviously he made a living at it. But I don’t know what he smuggled. He was careful not to keep any records of _what_ , I suppose in case anyone ever searched his terminal.”

“A wise man. So you want to smuggle in anti-corporate propaganda, is that it?”

Rowan looked at Max, who seemed to be teasing. ”If you mean, am I finally going to overthrow the Board? No. I don’t think I can do that. Not because I have any love for the Board – they sound like the worst thing that could happen to a society – but because I can’t. They’re entrenched. The whole society is a mess, and I can’t fix that. No, Max, I’m no revolutionary,” Rowan said. “Right now I want to just survive, and to do that, I need to find something people want, that I can get, that they’re willing to pay black-market prices for.”

“I see. And because I asked you, an outsider, to retrieve a heretical book, you thought maybe there might be something there.”

Rowan spread his hands wide. “It was worth a try.”

“I can see that. Captain. If I can speak plainly…”

Rowan braced himself internally for what was about to come. “You can,” he said, though he truly wanted to say otherwise.

“You need to talk with us. Tell us your plans. Ask us for advice. You’re hurting yourself, trying to do it all alone, in a world you’re not familiar with. _Let us help you_.” Max put his hand on Rowan’s, holding it in place with a strong grip. “Do you remember, being told you can’t do it alone?”

Had he been told that? By the vision? By Max? Rowan wasn’t sure now.

“And it’s true. A single man can’t fight the system. A single man might manage alone for a while, but he has to be a very capable, specific individual. Captain Hawthorne managed it, but in the end he had no one nearby to help when the time came – unless that was you.”

“No, I arrived too late,” Rowan said. Max’s hand was still on his, and he wasn’t sure what to do about that.

Max let go then, and sat back. “You have friends with you, Rowan. Let us in. Let us help you. Didn’t you ever rely on friends before?”

“No,” Rowan said, still looking at his hand, which he hadn’t moved from where Max had held it.

“Because you wouldn’t rely on them?”

“No friends?” Rowan suggested, finally looking Max in the eyes. “I get nervous about it, I know they’ll think I’m strange, I don’t fit in.”

“Come now, Rowan, you must have had friends at some point.”

“Not since school, maybe?” Rowan hazarded. “I couldn’t hack university, I dropped out because I was stressed all the time. I took some jobs just to get by and finally ended up in the lab where I cleaned up after everyone else. Usually nobody else was there and I didn’t have to worry about making decisions or trying to be the best or – “ He ran both hands back through his hair. “I guess this is confession, Vicar,” he tried to joke.

“I’m sorry you’ve had this much trouble,” Max said in a quiet voice. “It sounds like you’ve had a terrible time for years.”

“I… yeah, it was,” Rowan said. Friends. “You asked me if I considered myself friends with Parvati and Felix, when I was on half-dose.”

“That’s right. I was testing you, to see what state you were in.”

“I wasn’t very nice then.”

Max made a noncommittal noise.

“Those things I said, I - that wasn't me," Rowan said. "I like them, both of them. They really are good to me.” Rowan looked at his own hands again. “Parvati’s good to everyone, no surprise there, but – they both seem to really like me.”

“Of course they do. When you’re not drugged or fully acedic, you’re pleasant to be around.”

“Even when I’m stressed?”

“You could work on that,” Max deferred.

Rowan smiled a little. “I know. I’ll try, Max.” Because, put like that, yeah, he was setting himself up to fail, trying to do everything alone. But how’d the old saying go, better they should think you an idiot than open your mouth and prove it? _Stop bothering people, nobody wants to hear about your problems._

Still... Parvati had said kind of the same thing, about the real him. Maybe it could work. But if it didn’t… if it didn’t, he was pretty sure Parvati, Max and Felix wouldn’t give him shit about it. “I’ll try,” he repeated, a little more firmly, before his nerve could fail.


	24. Reaching Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan takes baby steps toward trusting his friends.

“Okay. Um…” Terror gripped Rowan, but he had to do this. “You all know that… I bought a lot of that LBF, and I can’t use much of it very often. Thing is, I spent a lot of money on it. So we’re a little tight for cash – bits – and that’s why we’re working for Sublight now.”

He really didn’t want to face any of them. He’d practiced this for an hour so far in his cabin, and still found himself focusing very intently on the big scratch on the desk.

“So if any of you feel like you want to skive, I won’t be mad or anything. I understand. But, um,” don’t hyperventilate, “I really hope you don’t, because I like you all, and you’re – you’re the only friends I’ve got, that I’ve had in a long time, and – I don’t want you to go. I’ll figure out how to get more money.”

Breathe.

“I mean, I need help with that too,” Rowan said desperately. “I don’t know how things work here, I don’t know how the money works, I…” He almost said ‘I’m not a very good captain and why are you even still with me’ but no, he had to not do that. “I need your help.”

This was so hard, and they weren’t even in front of him. He ran both hands over his face.

“Captain.”

“Yes, ADA.” Anything to distract him from this.

“Will you turn Welles over to the Board?”

Rowan drew a blank. Oh, right, he’d asked ADA about that. “I don’t know,” he said. “I think I have to talk to him first before anything else.”

“There is a large reward for information about him.”

“Right, but Hawthorne didn’t sell him out, even with that bureaucrat at Groundbreaker sweet-talking him.” Plying him with drinks, really, but Hawthorne still hadn’t given in. “And Welles had work for Hawthorne.”

“Correct. Among freelancers and smugglers, that might be seen as a betrayal, to sell out those who hired you.”

“Got it. Well… I wanted to get some answers from him anyway. Can’t do that if he’s in prison.”

“May I also say,” ADA continued, “the Vicar is correct, so I am glad to see you attempting to improve your ability to communicate with the others.”

“About asking them to help me? Or just… trying to be friends?”

“Both.”

“Thanks, ADA.” Rowan crossed his arms on the desk and lay his head down on them. “It’s exhausting.”

“My previous captain was not like you. How is it exhausting?”

“I don’t know… Because I’m scared. I’m scared they’ll hate me or think I’m stupid, or… any number of things, really.”

“I am only an astrogator, Captain, but you crew does not behave like that now. Why would they change?”

“Because I’m me? I mean… I don’t like myself very much, why should they like me?”

“Being human seems very strange,” ADA said thoughtfully. “Captain Hawthorne thought very much of himself. It seems when you are on a full dose of LBF, so you do. Does the drug change you, or does it keep the negativity from affecting you?”

“I… I think it’s the second one? I’m not really sure, though. I know I felt so good on it, ADA.” Rowan straightened and sat back. “It was just afterwards, I felt so much worse. I don’t know if that was a rebound effect, like, it saved it all up…”

“Why do you say don’t you like yourself, Captain?”

“I don’t know, I…” Rowan shrugged. “I don’t think I’m really that bad, like… evil. But not someone people want to be around. Not fun? Says stupid things?”

“Why do you think those things?”

“Did Max put you up to this?” Rowan said, smiling despite himself.

“Everyone on this ship cares for you to some degree, Captain. Even I, though I am not human like the rest of you and do not have that capacity, am concerned about you, because as you noted, other captains may not be as accepting of my personality program.”

“So in your case, it’s self-interest.”

“Correct, Captain.”

“Well, that’s honest.” Rowan couldn’t fault her for that. “So it’s in your best interest for me to be mentally stable and happy.”

“Correct. This would also be the best for your crew.”

“Like I didn’t have enough on my plate,” Rowan muttered. Though to be fair, he’d already been feeling guilt over being their captain; this wasn’t adding much more.

“Should I ask the Vicar to check on you?” ADA asked.

“I… I don’t know, ADA. I think maybe I need a break.”

“A break in what?”

“I need to rest,” Rowan corrected.

~ ~ ~

But he didn’t actually feel tired. There had to be something he could do instead.

Rowan found the deck of gaming cards and went to the hold, where he wasn’t likely to be disturbed. He tried making those towers of cards he’d always seen done, but never tried himself. It took some practice, but he started figuring it out.

Ha, alone, he thought. He’d gotten a whole row to stand up, leaning against each other. Once again he’d tried to learn something alone. It was all he knew. Asking someone for help? Nobody wanted to be bothered like that. They’d think he was a burden, an idiot… no, he reminded himself. Max had said, he had to ask for help. They wanted to help him.

That in itself was such a weird idea. Someone wanted to help him? Rowan couldn’t remember anything like that for a long, long time. Even if he accepted that they were like ADA, that is, enlightened selfishness, it would still benefit him, too, wouldn’t it?

The row fell down. Probably some minor tremors through the hull. Rowan picked up the cards, shuffled them, began again.

Well, look at it honestly, he told himself. He did things alone because it would hurt worse when other people hated him or made fun of him because he made a mistake. But it also meant he was miserable a lot of the time. On the other hand, he would probably feel worse if he tried and it went badly.

But if it didn’t? If they did want to be with him? They’d said as much. He could trust them. Couldn’t he?

It was a terrifying thought, trusting people. But if it worked – Rowan found himself hungering for not feeling scared, or stressed, for having friends and actually being _happy_ sometimes. It was a terrible risk, but…

But…

He could trust them. His friends. If you couldn’t trust friends, they weren’t friends, right?

Rowan swallowed hard and nodded to himself. He’d managed a little bit of a second row on top of the first. He could trust them. Look at Max, after Scylla, he’d been nothing but kind once they’d both gotten past the initial… thing… that… had happened.

Trust.

Rowan took a deep breath, and then another. He could do this, he told himself. Just… go tell them how he felt and… say he needed their help. Max at least would agree, he’d already said so. And Parvati would. Felix probably. Ellie… if he had the other three on his side then it would be okay.

~ ~ ~

And it really was okay.

He made his little speech, he managed it without too much inner panic, everyone agreed, thanked him for finally being open about it, and they discussed what to do. The consensus was: keep working for Sublight until he had a better idea what to do, then maybe look at other jobs. And then they played a couple rounds of _Who’s Got The Form?_ before splitting up again for a while.

It was unbelievable. He’d spoken, and, and everything had gone fine. He hadn’t had any problems, other than the anxiety at the start.

It had worked.

Rowan sat at his desk, hands folded together, staring out the big window in amazement that nothing bad had happened. He was still worried it would backfire.

But he felt – grateful. Relieved. Maybe even content, though he wasn’t wholly sure about that.

Everything was fine.

Rowan cherished this, hoped he would remember how it felt. It felt good.


	25. To Success

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan completes his first actual salvage job.

The good feeling was gone by morning, but at least he hadn’t crashed hard; he was back to his usual state of slight anxiety and despair, and Rowan knew how to live with that. Plus, things were okay right now.

They reached Groundbreaker without incident, and everyone split up to stretch their legs and get away from each other for a while. Rowan could understand that. He hadn’t spent so much time in other people’s company in years.

And yet… it wasn’t so bad.

He went to see Lilya Hagen first. He knew he couldn’t do anything about the people there; all he could hope for – and which he was pretty sure Lilya promised – was that Sublight would consider those people property, which was no different than any other corporation did, and therefore probably not kill them immediately. Figure out what to do with them, yes. Scientists and doctors had to be worth something, even if you couldn’t immediately help them. Right?

Lilya had another job for him, which Rowan accepted of course, and then he had some free time. Now what? It wasn’t like he hadn’t already seen everything here. Lilya had paid him, but he couldn’t afford to waste it. He still had to see a remediatrist and get to Byzantium… and Welles.

Rowan went to the Lost Hope bar. He bought a single beer and found a seat with his back to the wall. He planned to have only the one; he didn’t want to get drunk, or even “just drunk enough you can pretend you don’t know what you’re doing”. He wasn’t here for a one-night Stan; besides, he probably wouldn’t recognize it if someone did come on to him.

He had friends.

He was not on the edge of panic, but perhaps a few steps back? That was automatically better.

He might actually survive all this.

Rowan stayed deep in his own thoughts for a while, nursing his beer, waiting for time to pass. He’d be stuck on the ship again soon enough.

“Captain?”

Rowan jerked out of his musings to look up at Max. “Vicar.”

“Not any more, and you know that.” But Max smiled anyway. “May I join you?”

“Sure.” Rowan still had half a beer left.

Max took his own chair; he had a small glass of what was probably whiskey. “I’d suggest you stay off alcohol, given your susceptibility,” Max said, “but that brand is particularly weak even for beer.”

“I already thought of that,” Rowan said, rather proud of himself for it, too. “So, just one, and drink it slowly. So far I don’t feel any different. Any worse, rather.”

“That’s good to hear. I didn’t think you were a drinking man at all, honestly. You never wanted any before.”

“Yeah, well… I didn’t do it often, before. Just when I was – “ Rowan stopped himself. Maybe he was a little bit affected. No? Probably not.

“When you were?” Max prompted, when Rowan didn’t continue.

Rowan shook his head. “Not important. Let’s just say it isn’t something I do often.”

“Only on special occasions?”

Rowan wasn’t going to bring up the truth. “Is this a special occasion?” he asked back.

Max sipped his own drink. “It is. You completed your first job as a freelancer, and got paid for it.”

“Oh… yeah, I did.” That was a warm feeling, too. Rowan smiled. “I hadn’t thought of it like that, but yeah. Thanks, Max.”

Max raised his glass to him. “Do you have more work lined up?”

“Yes. With Sublight again.”

“That’s even better, that they liked your work. Things are looking up for you, Captain.”

They were, weren’t they? At last. Rowan had no doubt that tomorrow it would be different, but right now, things were good, and he’d take that and hold onto it as long as he could.


	26. Visiting Phineas Welles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which awful truths are learned.

Everything stayed well until they visited the scientist – or was he a terrorist? – on his asteroid. ADA got them into the landing bay; Welles was not expecting him at first, but agreed to meet, “if you don’t mind that I don’t meet you at the door, Captain. I’ve taken precautions, you see. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe for you. Just follow the lights in the floor. Unarmed, please. There’s a lot of delicate equipment, and nothing will harm you here.”

That alone made Rowan nervous enough to consider his inhaler, but he promised himself he wouldn’t use it unless absolutely necessary. He did plan to take it with him. He also called his crew together.

“I want all of you to come with me,” he said, feeling nervous sweat start on his scalp. “I don’t really know what to expect, and Welles says it’ll all be safe, but…”

“But he’s still wanted for terrorism,” Felix said. “Gotcha, Boss.”

“Especially since I want to ask him some questions,” Rowan said. “And I don’t know how he’ll respond.”

They all agreed to come along, if for no other reason than to see the man with the largest bounty on his head that the Board had ever placed. “If you turned him in, Cap, you’d have plenty of money,” Ellie pointed out.

“I know that, Ellie. But he also thawed me out. And once the Board has him, I can’t ask him anything.”

Despite Welles’ request to go unarmed, Rowan noticed Ellie had a pistol and Max a tossball stick. That was probably best.

Welles’ asteroid was well hollowed out, with so much equipment that Rowan had no idea what it was for. Neither, apparently, did his friends. (Friends!) They followed the floor lights.

“Not much different than Groundbreaker in some ways,” Felix said.

“It’s chilly, though,” Parvati said. “Don’t know if he likes it this way or if he’s got trouble keeping it warm.”

“This cost money,” Ellie said. “If he’s been unemployed for this long, he got the bits somehow.”

Rowan couldn’t think of anything to say, as nervous as he was about the upcoming encounter. He’d written a list of what to ask, in case he blanked.

After a while they smelled something that Rowan thought of as “farmlike”. He knew what made that category of smell. Namely, an animal.

“What’s a cystypig doing here?” Max wondered aloud as they all saw it.

Rowan had never seen one before. It looked like a pig, at least as how he thought pigs should look, but with… bulbous… growths… all over it. “That’s a – what’d you call it?”

“Cystypig,” Parvati said. “You’ve never seen one before, Captain?”

“No, I… haven’t…” It looked wrong and deformed to Rowan’s eyes.

Max cleared his throat. “They’re really very beneficial, Captain. When the tumors – “

Tumors?

“ – are ready for harvest, they slough off the animal. They’re packaged as is, or further processed. It’s the meat in the boarst and baked beans we’ve been eating.”

Rowan felt his stomach lurch in an attempt to escape. The meat had been bacon-flavored. “You just – eat tumors?”

“It’s sustainable,” Ellie said, looking at him strangely. “You don’t have to kill it. Just keep feeding it and it’ll make all the tumors you can eat.”

The – cyst-pig – looked up at them with benign uninterest and moved back to its feeding trough.

“That explains what he eats here,” Parvati said, nodding in satisfaction. “That and water probably covers a lot of his food needs.”

“Let’s go,” Rowan said, hoping he could find something else to eat besides those cans of B&B, because he wasn’t sure he could eat a tumor that fell off a pig ever again.

Around a corner and they faced a large clear double wall. Phineas Welles stood behind it, along with lab equipment and a terminal. Rowan remembered him from when he’d been thawed; Welles had briefly appeared outside the pod. On the _Hope_ , maybe? It had happened so fast, and so confusingly.

“I hadn’t expected you to bring guests,” Welles said. His voice came from a speaker on the outer wall of the divider.

“I didn’t know what I would expect here,” Rowan said.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m glad you contacted me, Captain,” Welles went on. “I still need the chemicals to continue. There’s a broker on Monarch who knows where they’re kept on Halcyon. It’ll be up to you to retrieve them and bring them back to me.”

“Wait,” Rowan said. “I need to get to Byzantium – “

“Yes, there’s that too, so if you bring me the information, I can give you a Byzantium navkey.”

“I – what are the chemicals for?” Rowan asked. “What are they?”

“They’re to thaw out the rest of the colonists, of course. After much trial and error using cystypigs, I finally succeeded in preventing explosive cell death in humans who spend excessive time in stasis pods. Unfortunately, I only had enough by that time to successfully thaw one. Therefore I chose you, given your organo-chemical background, to first help me retrieve the necessary items and then help make enough, using my formula, to retrieve the rest of the colonists.” Welles peered at him through the double glass. “You do remember this from our first meeting, don’t you?”

“N…no,” Rowan wavered. “It was kind of rushed.” Organo-chemical background? “You really think I can help you do this?”

“Captain Bowman, I assure you, it will not be difficult for someone of your experience.”

Rowan felt like all his crew had taken a sharp breath at once. “I’m not – that’s not my name,” he said, fear snaking up his spine.

“What?”

“My surname, it’s Dane. Rowan Dane is my name. Not Bowman.”

Welles stared at him, and Rowan felt like somehow, some way, this was his fault, and if it wasn’t, he was going to get blamed for it anyway.

“You aren’t…” Welles turned to his terminal and began typing.

“What’s going on?” Felix said. “Did he – “

“I think so,” Max said in a low voice. Both of them sounded far away to Rowan.

Welles turned back to face them. “It appears,” he said, as though the words were distasteful, "that the wrong capsule was chosen. You never told me your name.”

“You didn’t ask,” Rowan said. He needed to fall down, but he hadn’t yet. “But once you thawed me, there wasn’t any choice.”

“No, there wasn’t.” Welles put one hand on the glass. “ _Rowan Dane_ is a janitor. So that’s who I have to help me.” He dropped his head for a moment, then lifted it again. “The chemicals are now critical, Captain Bow – Dane. I absolutely require them so I can, at the very least, thaw out the correct person.”

“I – “

“And if you want to reach Byzantium – why do you want to go there already?”

“I,” Rowan felt like his throat was closing, “I need – to see – “

“Never mind. If you want to reach Byzantium, you have to get me that information.”

“Or what?” Ellie said. “We could turn you in, you know. There’s a reward for you.”

“Indeed you could. Except you won’t know where to find me after this, until I contact you again. And why should I after that threat?”

“I was the experiment,” Rowan managed. “To see if it worked. Right?”

“No, you were a mistake. If you intend to report me, be aware that the Board has no love for you. Don’t fall for their lies, Captain. The fastest way to make this right is to go to Monarch, get the location of the chemicals so we can retrieve them, and allow me to recover your fellow colonists.”


	27. I'm Not a Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan deals with the revelation from the previous chapter.

Rowan stared silently ahead as they returned to the _Unreliable_. His unused list of questions remained crumpled in his fist. Nobody said anything; it didn’t seem right.

The ship was just the same as they’d left it; they boarded, and Rowan paused in the little space just past the airlock.

“Captain?” Max asked.

Rowan turned to face them. “I’m not a mistake,” he said, his voice shaking.

“Of course not, Captain,” Parvati said. “That was a cruel thing for him to say.”

“T-thank you, Parvati.” Rowan’s voice shook, and he turned away. “We’ll, we’ll head to Monarch.” He took out the inhaler, looked at it, but didn’t use it. “I’m not a mistake,” he repeated, a little stronger. “I’m broken, yeah. Something’s wrong with my head. But _I’m not a mistake_.”

He was afraid to look at Max and see what he thought of this. Instead he looked at the others: Felix, who definitely approved; Parvati, encouraging; Ellie, watching him closely.

“That’s right,” he heard Max say. “You aren’t a mistake.”

“Thank you,” Rowan managed. The little bit of anger and standing up for himself was already succumbing to feeling sick to his stomach. “We need to go to Monarch. I’ll do that.” He half turned away and stopped. “I’m sorry I’m like this,” he said. “We’ll do this and get money and go to Byzantium and get my head fixed. I… if it’s okay I’d like to maybe play a game. If it’s okay with everyone.”

“Of course it is,” Ellie said. “We’ll get one of the new games out for you to learn.”

“Thank you, Ellie.” Maybe that would distract him enough. He handed the inhaler to Max, who was closest. “Max, if you can hold onto this. I don’t think I should have it.” Because a double full-dose hit off it seemed the best thing he could do, and he shouldn’t.

~ ~ ~

They played _Don’t Wake the Raptidons!,_ which Rowan had thought would be a children’s game, but it was actually a serious game about trying to successfully build your factories and manage your colony while fighting the other players’ attempts to do the same and encroach on you, all while the activity brought the raptidons closer to wakefulness, whereupon they’d slaughter the colonists if you hadn’t defended properly. It was hard as hell and took up his entire attention while he tried to figure out strategy, even with help. Which meant it was the right sort of thing for him to work on right now.

He was the first one to get his colony wiped out, but only because he was ahead of Felix in turn order. Felix got taken down in the same round.

“It’s hard,” Felix said. “This is my first time playing too.”

“Oh. I didn’t know,” Rowan said.

“Hey, can you two get us some snacks?” Ellie said. “I’m gonna drop Max like a week-old sandwich.” She took up the dice. Max snorted. Parvati looked at both of them; she was still in the game.

No snacks could be found in the kitchen, probably because nobody had gone to the hold to get more; so Felix and Rowan went there to see what was still available.

“Wish we knew other ways of cooking B&B,” Felix said, looking over the boxes of cans.

Rowan didn’t think he could ever eat that again. Tumors! He looked among the foodstuffs. No Purpleberry if he had the choice – no, wait, this was for everyone upstairs –

“Hey, here’s a box of Purpleberry Crunch,” Felix said. “We’re out of milk, so we’ll just eat it plain.”

Rowan had done much the same thing with cereal in his own day. “We’re out of milk?”

“I don’t think anyone bought food on Groundbreaker, Boss.”

“Oh. We’ll have to get some on Monarch, then.” Rowan took the box from Felix to look at it. “Max doesn’t like this brand, though.”

“More for the rest of us!” Felix took the box back. “But you better find something for him, then.”

“Sure.” Rowan had to admit he felt better now – had actually started feeling better partway through the game. It had been the right choice. Apologize, then do something with people. It had worked. He was seriously still messed up, but he hadn’t used the inhaler.

“Hey, that Welles guy is kind of geddy, but now Ellie can’t say you were making it up,” Felix continued. He opened the box.

“About the _Hope_?”

“Yeah.” Felix tried to tear the plastic cereal bag open. “I knew you were telling the truth.”

Rowan smiled. “Thanks.” Ah! There was – oh, it was those Tileritos. Rowan wasn’t going to eat those either, but maybe the others would. He took two bags.

“So is your head messed up because of being in the pod?” Felix went on.

“Uh… no, not really. I mean… maybe a little, but… mostly it’s just me.” Rowan wondered if there was anything else to eat here, or if he’d be stuck eating pig tumors after all. And were those really beans in there? Was anything here real food?

“Like how?”

Rowan paused. “I’m… I have a lot of anxiety and I worry about everything.”

Felix laughed. “Okay, but did you take an N-ray to the head? Or were you experimented on in the pod?”

“What? No!” Even Rowan had to laugh at that, even if it was a little shaky. “My brain just doesn’t work right, I think.”

“Aw man. That sucks, Boss.” Felix looked genuinely sympathetic.

Rowan thought he might hug Felix right then. He couldn’t explain it – it wasn’t like it helped him – but it did, kind of. “Thanks, Felix,” he said, quiet but no less heartfelt.

“Sure thing. Let’s get the snacks back up before Ellie and Max end the game. I wanna see who wins.”

~ ~ ~

Parvati won the game. She stayed out of the way as Ellie and Max fought each other to where the raptidons overran their settlements, and was winner by virtue of being the only one left.

“Well done, Ms. Holcomb,” Max said at the end. “I’ll have to keep an eye on you next time.”

“Oh, I don’t know that I did all that much,” Parvati said, but she was still pleased.

“You made sure we didn’t see you as a threat, and that’s a big part of it,” Ellie said. She’d commandeered one of the bags of tileritos and Max took the other, leaving Felix and Parvati to share the dry cereal. Rowan hung back in the kitchen, hoping he’d have something to eat besides toast tonight. He’d never thought about food variety in space before the _Hope_.

“ – these two,” Max was saying, looking at Felix and then Rowan.

“Hey!” That was Felix.

“Look, the Captain’s never played before, he has an excuse,” Parvati said to Felix.

“Neither have I,“ Felix grumbled, and shoved a big handful of cereal into his mouth. “That game’s hard. Too many rules.”

“I think I probably need to try it again,” Rowan said. “I’m not sure I understood some parts.”

“Not today, Cap,” Ellie said. She stood and stretched. “I need a break, and the rest of you need to start doing tossball again.”

“Tomorrow,” Max said firmly. “It’s too late today. We’ll start in the morning.” He looked to Rowan. “Who cooks on this trip, Captain?”

“Uh… we’re still just reheating B&B, right?” Rowan suddenly wished he’d kept the box of Purpleberry Munch for himself.

“We could make sandwiches out of it,” Parvati suggested. “On toast.”

Which is what they did. Everyone agreed that it was extremely messy and not worth repeating. Rowan choked it down despite now knowing what it was made of; he was hungry and there wasn’t anything else except tileritos. He volunteered to do the washing-up (such as it was) so he had an excuse to not finish.

“Captain,” Max said, “when you’re done, I can help explain more of the game mechanics, if you’d like.”

Rowan rinsed the plate and shut off the water. “Sure.” He felt tired; it had been an emotional visit to Welles’ asteroid. Could he really move that whole asteroid, Rowan wondered? Or was that just an empty threat? ADA might know. She had the navkey. Would it still work if the asteroid moved?

~ ~ ~

Back to tossball lessons in the morning; Max was more careful about his knee, but otherwise amping up the practice. Even Felix seemed serious, though he said they weren’t really doing tossball, just drills.

“Which you will need if you ever want to play for keeps, Mr. Millstone,” Max said. “Practice until it’s second nature. Until you don’t have to think how to react.”

Rowan did the drills, was exhausted by afternoon, waited his turn for the shower and wished there was anything else to eat besides what they had. How had anyone come up with such things? It didn’t help that Ellie announced dinner would have the last of the toast, and it was plain B&B after this.

They played card games that night, something simple, and Rowan slept without any dreams. It was wonderful.


	28. Tossball Cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan finds something small but valuable for sale.

Rowan didn’t even think of the inhaler the rest of the trip, or of Welles. He was content to do drills and practice half a day, suffer through the B&B meals with the rest of them, and play games in the afternoon or evening. Felix lent him some magazines to read; they were pretty bad, in Rowan’s opinion, but evidently this was the state of literature in Halcyon. If it was all you knew, you didn’t know what you were missing. And Halcyon was missing a lot.

Same for the serials, which Rowan heard Parvati and Felix discussing as he lay on the couch and leafed through _Dissident Hunter Special Edition_. (“When indentured servants are freed, anarchy ensues! Can Agent Khan rescue Auntie Cleo from the clutches of the Weekenders?”) He listened with half an ear; honestly, it was nice to listen to other people being happy around him.

“And then, just when all seems lost, Targaz reappears and admits he loves her!” Felix said.

“Oh, Law, that’s so wonderful,” Parvati said, hand over her heart. “So romantic.”

“I know! He’s all beat up because he fought his way back to her, and he tells Lyssa that he loves her, and then he collapses at her feet.”

Parvati gasped.

“But she takes him in her arms and his eyes open and she swears she’ll take care of him, using Auntie Cleo products, guaranteed to repair health and improve weak organs.”

“Oh, that’s just so – Felix, you have to let me see that serial. I just have to see it.”

“You wanna watch it with me?”

“I’d love to!”

“I’ll get it set up if you get a bag of Tileritos!”

Romance with corporate branding, Rowan thought. If you didn’t know what else to look for… it was nice, though, that the two of them had something to bond over. He wouldn’t have thought Felix would go for romance, just the action serials. Just showed, you couldn’t really tell about someone, could you.

Maybe sometime he’d ask if he, Rowan, could join them. He felt a little awkward about it still, but he didn’t think they’d laugh at him. No - there was no 'think' in this - they liked him.

~ ~ ~

Of course they had to do a favor to get the location information for Welles. It wasn’t like Rowan had any bits to spare to buy it outright. And there was fighting and violence, which Rowan let his crew – companions – friends take care of whenever possible, because he just wasn’t very good at it, and he needed the inhaler now, for the Adreno, not the LBF. Just going up and down the hills of Monarch gave him breathing trouble, with the sulfur in the air; Nyoka had been right, he shouldn’t be on the surface of this planet, but here he was, coughing his lungs out and wearing himself down.

On the other hand, Rowan met the director of Monarch Stellar Industries, the corporation of Monarch, and… Sanjar Nandi had his act together, as far as Rowan could tell. And he wanted to actually treat the workers decently. Rowan had no idea anyone even thought such ideas here.

“I’m glad I answered the summons,” he told Ellie afterward, as they walked the streets of Stellar Bay.

“Yeah, the Board doesn’t like MSI much,” she said, taking a drag off her cigarette. “It’s why they declared Monarch off-limits and said it’s chaos and anarchy and full of monsters.”

 _Which is why Monarch needs us,_ Rowan thought. Not just an errand boy. Maybe he could actually make this into something. Then he braced one hand against a wall as the sulfurous air attacked his throat and lungs again, and he coughed as though a lung would come up.

“Cap, I hate to say this, but I think you can’t come to Monarch anymore,” Ellie said, when the attack finished and he gasped for air, which made him hack again. “Here’s a store, get inside for now and I’ll get you a mask, or something for your throat, or you’ll be huffing Adreno nonstop.”

Rowan took another hit of Adreno off the inhaler as he went inside. The store was a little, desperate shop of things from before the embargo. A sign above the counter read “We Buy – We Sell – Best Offers.” From the look of things, it was people’s personal things and collectibles that were bought and sold here. Sort of like a pawnshop.

Rowan tried to breathe carefully through his nose; an attack in here would likely scare people enough to report him. He browsed the knickknacks and little things, and – tossball cards!

Rowan still didn’t understand tossball rules or play at all, but Max had a couple sets. So did Felix, too, didn’t he? Which teams did Max collect? Rowan couldn’t remember. He looked through the plastic sleeve-pages of cards, hoping to recognize them. Maybe he could get a few for Max. Sort of a thank-you for everything he’d done.

Hephaestos Hammers? Was that one of the teams Max liked? Tile Backers? That looked familiar. But Rowan didn’t know which ones Max already had. Would duplicates be okay?

He stopped as he turned the stiff plastic page and saw the next selection of cards, for the Spacer’s Choice Penalty Boxers. The center card in its plastic sleeve read:

_5_ _th_ _Back – Maximillian DeSoto_

He looked younger, in his thirties, maybe, and he was fit and smiling and… good-looking, Rowan thought. Not that Max wasn’t good-looking now, he was, but. And a pro? Well… semi-pro, maybe? Spacer’s Chosen was the pro team, Rowan remembered. So Max’s team, the team he’d played on, was the Penalty Boxers. Okay.

“Did you find a card you’d like?”

Rowan jumped, his heart racing from surprise. The clerk backed up a step.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Rowan said. “I, yeah, how much are the cards? And do you have any more of this player?”

“The Penalty Boxers? They had a remarkable run years ago.” The clerk pulled that card and one other, Max in full gear, like armor, grinning as he was about to beat the hell out of something off screen. It made Rowan feel a little weird inside, a good kind of weird. Max had been a looker in his thirties. Rowan thought so, anyway.

“Do you want any others in the set?” the clerk asked. “Or I could let the whole set go, if you’re interested…”

“No, that’s fine, these are good.”

Rowan tucked the cards in their flimsy plastic sleeves into his shirt pocket, where he kept his inhaler. He shouldn’t spend the bits, but… he’d probably never come across these cards again. He’d look at them again later, when he was back on the ship. He especially didn’t want Ellie to see them, as she opened the shop door enough to gesture for him to join her. She’d tease Max about it, and Rowan didn’t want that.


	29. Confined to the Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan is confined to the _Unreliable_ for his health.

Rowan was confined to the _Unreliable_ as soon as he returned, on Ellie’s orders. “You’ve got to heal up before you can think about going back out there,” she said.

“I thought the Adreno was supposed to fix everything.”

“Cap, the way you’ve been huffing it, you’ll run out of Adreno if you keep breathing that air,” Ellie said. “Just rest up today. We’ll take care of everything else.”

Whether they drew straws or it was on a volunteer basis, Rowan didn’t know, but Parvati stayed behind. “To make sure everything’s okay with you,” she said. Rowan wondered if that was to make sure he stayed on the ship. He had no intention of going back out, not with his throat still rough. Also, he was tired. Coughing so much took it out of a body.

There was an awkward silence between them after the rest of the crew left.

“Maybe we could watch a serial?” Rowan suggested at last.

So they watched _True Romantic Tales of the Space Guard_ , and it was every bit as bad as Rowan expected, but he kept his mouth shut and didn’t make fun of it and tried hard to enjoy it. He couldn’t, but he pretended like he did. If nothing else, he didn’t want Parvati to feel bad for sharing it with him, and he’d been curious about the aetherwave serials anyway.

But Lord, it was bad.

They watched three episodes and took a break. Rowan lay on his bed and closed his eyes. He wasn’t tired enough for sleep, just tired. But he wasn’t coughing himself to death either, so staying on the ship had been the best course of action.

After a while he sat up and took the tossball cards from his shirt pocket to look at them. Of course he’d known Max had played tossball – was it in prison? That would explain the name ‘Penalty Boxers’. Probably the prison semipro team. Given that tossball seemed incredibly violent, using prisoners made sense, Rowan supposed. Though, on second thought… Max had gone to prison for political reasons? Like, office politics? He hadn’t gotten along with his superior, and got shuffled off to prison for it. Still… he had his own trading card. Two of them. He looked good. Was the position numbering relevant to actual skill, like, the first back was the best one? Or was it just different types? There were a hell of a lot of them, no matter what. Rowan decided to think of 5th back as being fairly high up in the hierarchy of the team.

…Which might mean that his chances of being on a pro team, or at least a team outside of prison, were ruined by that knee injury.

Rowan felt genuinely irritated about that. Max had his act together, had a life, had skills, and yet he’d lost everything. Even his religion.

Which reminded Rowan of Scylla.

It didn’t bother him to think of it any more, though he avoided thinking of those details he could remember. Maybe the LBF had been good for that much.

…Dammit, they needed to get groceries before they left. If they could afford them. Some future on another planet. Still worrying about money. Except more so, now that he also had four other people to worry about. And getting his brain fixed.

Rowan stared at the cards without seeing them during this mental interlude. Now he came back to himself and looked to the desk. Then he tucked the cards back into his shirt pocket. He liked having them on his person; he couldn’t say why, but it didn’t harm anyone. He’d show them to Max later, and smiled to himself; he could ask Max to sign them.


	30. Confined to the Ship, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan anticipates a day alone on the Unreliable, but plans change.

The crew had a hard discussion about funds. All agreed that continuing to eat boarst & beans was horrifying to contemplate, and that anything for a change of pace would be better; but they also agreed that, given their dwindling funds, maybe it would be necessary to keep eating the stuff for another trip. It was, after all, already here.

But Felix found, or appropriated – or, Rowan thought, maybe stole – a bunch of seasoning and flavor packets to at least give it some variety. Rowan hoped so.

Ellie said Rowan’s physical well-being had improved, but he shouldn’t set foot on Monarch again, not without maybe a mask and an air tank. “Seriously, Cap. It’s bad for you, and we don’t need you running out of Adreno before we get paid.”

“So you finished the job?” Rowan asked. It felt a little weird to not be there doing it himself. He was used to doing jobs he’d been assigned, even if they were mostly “clean up the mess in Lab 3”.

“Yes and no. The Sublight work is done, but we still have to pay off the informant for Welles,” Max said. “In work if not in bits.”

Because Sublight wouldn’t pay except from the ‘home office’ on Groundbreaker. Rowan wondered if that was to confirm that the work was done – by the time they returned to Groundbreaker, Sublight could probably find out if they’d done what they’d been hired to do. “So we’re here another day?”

“Yeah,” Felix said, tilting his chair back and putting his hands behind his head. “So who stays with you tomorrow?”

“I don’t know that anyone needs to,” Rowan said. “I’m better now.” And he immediately regretted that, because it meant he’d be alone on the ship. But why should that be a bad thing? He’d been alone most of his life.

“If you’re okay with it, I think we should all go planetside, then,” Parvati said. “Stretch our legs, like.”

So it was decided.

~ ~ ~

Rowan didn’t really ‘sleep in’ any more. There was no real reason to get up for a specific time, except maybe the tossball lessons, but also there was no reason to stay up late, either. There just wasn’t that much to do, and sleep was one way to pass the time.

_I’m thirty-eight and if I’ve been sleeping a third of my life away, or more –_

Rowan shook his head as he sat up in bed. No sense thinking about that, because people did have to sleep. It was built into brains.

_How the hell am I going to afford this remediatrist?_

And what if whatever they did, didn’t work? He couldn’t count on it fixing his head. Rowan got out of bed and pulled on his pants. That was dressed enough to get breakfast, if nobody else were here – oh, Law, breakfast was another can of B&B.

‘ _Oh, Law’? I’m starting to sound like them._

That was probably a good thing, actually. He’d stand out less.

Rowan shuffled into the kitchen, made himself a mug of Trip-Teaz, and decided he wasn’t hungry enough yet for B&B. Just the memory of the taste sent his appetite scurrying away in fear.

The ship felt… lonely. Rowan supposed that was only natural after being cooped up with other people for weeks, that when they were all gone… He really hoped they wouldn’t all leave. They wouldn’t. Right? They wouldn’t kick him out for being a useless lump? (Why was his brain doing this?) No. No, they had to keep him around because ADA wouldn’t listen to anyone else. He hoped.

 _They’re my friends_ , he told himself. _They’re friends. They like me_. His hands balled into fists on either side of his mug, and he grimaced, eyes closed, as he tried to drown out the brain-whispers that no, they were just here because of the ship, they maybe pitied him but sure didn’t like him, he was a mistake –

“No,” Rowan’s voice sounded strangled to his own ears. “I’m not a mistake.”

“Captain?” Max’s voice broke into his fighting thoughts.

Rowan jerked away so powerfully that he fell sideways out of his chair and onto his elbow, which lanced with pain. He squinched his eyes shut tight at the pain, curled on his side on the floor.

“Captain!” Max put an arm around him and helped him upright. “What happened?”

“Sorry,” Rowan said through gritted teeth. Had he broken his arm? “I thought everyone had gone.” He squinted at Max. “What’re you doing here?”

“If you must know, Dr. Fenhill and I had a heated discussion, and I chose to stay behind rather than continue the argument across the hills of Monarch.” Max looked at Rowan, still cradling one arm with the other. “Are you hurt?”

“I hit my elbow and Law, it hurts,” Rowan said. He should stand, but Max still had an arm around his shoulders and Rowan wasn’t going to disturb that. Any minute now Max would change his mind and go planetside -

“Where’s your inhaler? I’ll get it for you.”

Rowan had only put pants on to leave his room. The inhaler was probably on his desk? Or still in his shirt pocket, with the tossball cards. “No, that’s okay,” he said. “It’s my arm, not my legs.” He smiled weakly at Max. “I can get it myself.”

Max still walked with him to his cabin, and Rowan found the inhaler on the desk as expected. One hit and his arm felt better; probably wasn’t broken, then.

“You really do rely on that quite a lot,” Max said. “I hope you adjust to life here soon.”

“Me too, Max.” Where were the tossball cards? Still in his shirt pocket; shirt was on the floor where he’d left it last night. Rowan picked it up and began to put it on before realizing it smelled bad enough to need washing. “Life here, the food here, the drugs here… I hope I can find some relief on Byzantium.”

“And if the remediatrist can’t find a drug that works on you? Then what?” Max stood by the desk as Rowan found his other shirt and put it on.

“…I don’t know,” Rowan said, buttoning his shirt. “Like you said, I need to figure this out without the drugs, if I can. It’s hard, Max.”

“I know, Rowan.” Max looked at him kindly. Rowan wasn’t used to hearing his own name anymore. “But you’ve done well lately. Remember that.”

“Have I?” Rowan still didn’t feel much like it. On the other hand, the pain had distracted his stupid brain from continuing its self-hate. He wasn’t feeling it so much.

“You’ve only used the inhaler for physical health, you did admirably dealing with Welles, and you seem more social and less anxious.”

Rowan laughed. “Me? Less anxious! Maybe I’m just better at hiding it.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well… Thanks, Max.” Rowan hesitated. “The games help. Keep my mind busy, I guess. I feel like I should be out there, though. Doing the work.”

“Commendable, but not if it worsens your health.” Max paused, arms crossed over his chest, as if gathering his thoughts. “All this nonwork time we now have… seems to help not just you, but everyone.”

“Overwork kills,” Rowan said, gathering up his other pants. “Even in my day we knew that. I mean… you still had to do it, a lot of the time, because there were bills to pay, and you had to eat. Speaking of which, I hope we can afford something else soon.”

“You won’t find me disagreeing.” Max smiled. “I’ll let you get to your laundry. If you’re up for it, we can still get in some practice.”

“Sure, okay. Let me get these started so I’ve got something clean to wear afterwards.”


	31. Alone Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan experiences a genuinely happy day.

Rowan left the tossball cards on the desk, where they were unlikely to come to harm, before starting laundry and then preparing for practice. Stay busy, keep his mind active, that’s what he needed to do. Don’t give his brain a chance to think up problems.

“I guess this is a private lesson?” he asked Max, waiting for him in the hold, and immediately wished he hadn’t, it sounded like a horrible pickup line.

“Unless one of the others returns,” Max said, smiling a little. He swung the stick casually back and forth. “Have you stretched yet?”

“No, usually we all do that together before practice.” Rowan felt like stretching was kinda silly, but he’d done it anyway. So he did it now. “So, Max, you were a pro player right? Or semi-pro?”

“I was on the prison team,” Max said. “Remember your form, Captain.”

“But you weren’t a prisoner, I thought.”

“That’s true; not officially. But it was still a prison. My punishment for asking about the heretical texts. Now then, Captain – this is actually a good thing for us to work one on one today, because you have a disadvantage compared to Miss Holcomb and Mr. Millstone.”

 _Only one disadvantage?_ Rowan thought. “My anxiety?”

“No – “

“Both of them are stronger than me?“

“Truth, but, Captain, it’s that you’re older. At least ten years older than they are, I’d say. And trust me, it makes a difference.” Max took up a defensive stance. “It means you’ll be a little slower, and it’ll take longer for you to recover from injuries. Now, come at me.”

~ ~ ~

Rowan was exhausted by the end, but not in a bad way, and he was pretty sure he actually felt better mentally after practice. Max seemed to think he was improving, too, and that felt good.

One shower later and Rowan thought he might even be up for trying another one of those serials; they couldn’t all be horrible, right?

God, he wished they had something else to eat besides B&B.

When his first set of clothes were clean, Rowan started the others and placed the tossball cards back in his shirt pocket. Then he returned to the food storage hold again, just in case, somehow, any other food had materialized. He could hope. He sang quietly to himself as he looked, and realized he actually felt good enough to do that. That… was impressive. He hadn’t felt that happy since… well, either What Happened on Scylla While On Drugs, or, without drugs, when he'd gotten his acceptance letter for the _Hope_.

Was that some other canned good back there? Wait – a package of bred noodles? Rowan clutched the bag to his chest as though it were his own child. These would likely be terrible and taste bad, but Rowan found himself wanting to hide his discovery and not share it with anyone. He shouldn’t do that. But he probably couldn’t hide this, either; someone was likely to notice him cooking or eating them. And everyone else was just as sick of B&B as he was. He’d share. They’d think the worst of him if he didn’t, and rightly so.

… Maybe there was anything else hidden here?

No. There wasn’t. How anyone had missed this, he didn’t know, but he was grateful for it. Maybe with some of those flavor packets Felix had brought home?

Home, Rowan thought, as he climbed back to the floor with the kitchen. (Floor? Level? What was appropriate on a ship?) This ship was home now. He hadn’t really thought of it like that yet, but it was. And it was roomy compared to his old place. Sure, there were mysterious smells sometimes and things sparked now and then, but Rowan trusted that Parvati was getting everything fixed up as fast as she could.

And he wasn’t the only one living here, either.

Rowan looked at the instructions on the back of the noodles package. Looked easy enough, especially for someone who could boil water. He began to sing again, softly, as he found the flavor packets and tried to figure which one would go best. There weren’t enough noodles to feed everyone, far from it, but noodles with the B&B and maybe some of this flavor would work.

He’d make dinner for everyone, and it would actually have some decent taste to it, and they’d probably be amazed that he did this. He hadn’t cooked yet.

This was honestly the happiest he’d felt in so long. And no LBF, either! It was a genuine, pleasant happiness. Rowan prayed it would last, even just until bedtime.

He finally tested each flavor packet by opening one of each and carefully tasting just a bit. Whatever he picked had to be strong enough to cover the taste of B&B, but still actually taste good. (Couldn’t do anything about the “we’re eating tumors” problem.) Citrus didn’t work, but a packet labeled “PepperMento” did; just spicy enough, Rowan decided. Time to cook some noodles, mix them with B&B, add PepperMento and serve.

~ ~ ~

ADA had stayed quiet since the visit to Welles’ asteroid. A human might say she had much to think about, but ADA had lots of power to think, and could come to conclusions easily, even while navigating the ship. Sitting on a landing pad was much less strenuous. A human might have decided it was bored, but ADA could not get bored; she prided herself on it.

What she did instead was observe. It was easy to come to a conclusion on little or no data, and extrapolation. Observation was the only way to determine if the conclusion was correct. And observing everyone, everywhere, on the Unreliable, was not difficult for ADA.

Now, her current Captain was singing in the kitchen as he prepared food. He wasn’t very loud, but it was definitely singing. Captain Hawthorne had often sung when he was happy. Therefore, Captain Dane must also be happy at this moment; it was the first time he had sung since he had come aboard.

(ADA did not have capacity for grief or emotion. It was still possible that the spike of activity in certain intelligence drive sectors at the memories of her previous Captain might be construed by humans as grief. Humans ascribed their own emotions to anything, even inanimate objects.)

What was unusual was that her Captain was not singing any song or advertising jingle she knew. She triple-checked her data storage; no, not there either. Was he making it up himself? Captain Hawthorne had sometimes changed the words to advertising jingles, usually to something obscene or profane, but he always thought his new versions were funny. Whatever song Captain Dane was using, it was not one ADA knew, and she had all of Halcyon’s official, approved songs in storage.

The melody was simple enough, and there was a repeated section of the same words at regular intervals, and the song was about a spacer crew (but not Spacer’s Choice, it seemed), and their antics. Harmless, as far as songs went, but unlikely to ever be Board-approved.

The vicar was also listening, from the hallway leading to the kitchen, but he showed no signs of entering and possibly disturbing the Captain. ADA approved. If the Captain was finally happy enough to sing, it must mean his health was improving at last. If that were true, ADA had no wish for anyone to interrupt him and potentially ruin the moment.


	32. Good Enough for Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan learns a little more about Byzantium.

“You cooked tonight?”

Heart hammering in his chest, Rowan nodded. “I did. I found some noodles, and used those flavor powders. One of them, I mean. It should taste good. I mean, I tried it, I think it tastes good.” It was a weird feeling, being nervous but not terrified or full of dread.

“It’s still B&B, right?” Ellie took a seat. Rowan carried the pot of food from the stove to the table.

“Yeah, I mean, that’s the base, but the noodles and flavor should help, I hope, I tried to find something spicy-fruit like we used to have, I went with PepperMento, I hope everyone likes that – “

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, Captain,” Max said, cutting him off, but that was fine by Rowan, who set down the pot and wasn’t sure what to do next anyway.

Everyone helped themselves, dishing out food more or less in turn, and Rowan could hardly touch his until he saw how everyone else liked it, or didn’t. His brain was a battleground between _They’ll hate it, why did you even try_ and _It’ll be okay, it’s edible, that’s good enough_.

“It’s… not bad?” Parvati said, though it sounded more like a guess than a certainty.

“It’s not going to kill us,” Ellie said. “Good job, Cap. It’s a change of pace.”

 _Good enough_ won for now. It was good enough. Rowan felt he could actually calm down enough to eat.

~ ~ ~

His crew had taken care of everything here, and now it was time to head back to Welles, and Sublight, and hope to get paid and also to get that key to Byzantium. Rowan didn’t want to face Welles again, but there wasn’t a choice, and besides, maybe he could try again to get some answers. But Welles was a strong personality to work against, and Rowan knew how easy he himself could be derailed.

“Captain.”

“Yes, ADA.” Rowan set his tossball cards on his desk for safety. It was nearly time for bed.

“You are feeling better today?”

Rowan considered this while unbuttoning his shirt. “I think so,” he said at last. “At least, today was better than I’ve been in a long time.”

“Good. I hope it continues for you.”

“Me too, ADA. Me too.”

~ ~ ~

The party was in full swing, and Rowan had had enough to drink that he could pretend he didn’t know what he was doing. Everyone was dancing and drinking and having a great time, and he could act like that.

A good-looking man approached out of the crowd and hugged him. Rowan didn’t know him, didn’t care, hugged him back, happy for the attention. “Hey! Good to meet you!”

The man looked at him strangely. “You’re not who I thought you were.”

Rowan looked into the black plastic of the game machines, saw his dim reflection in them. His face had broken through its disguise in places, but then it all fixed and the real him was buried away again.

“That’s better,” the man said. “I like you better like this.”

“Okay.”

“And don’t talk. You’ll ruin it.”

Rowan woke with the dream still fresh in his mind, the flashing lights in time with the thumping music, the distorted real him visible in the reflections. He blinked at the ceiling. He was in his bed, on the _Unreliable_ , alone. Was that a message from beyond? A warning from his brain? The message couldn’t be plainer. Blend in. Hide his true self. Act like he belonged there. Don’t let the act slip.

Rowan took a deep breath. That’s what he _should_ be doing.

He rubbed his face with both hands. _You’re not who I thought you were_. That was Welles, certainly. All the more reason to get the chemicals Welles needed, to wake up the right person, Bowman, and then – well. What would happen then? Bowman would probably be along with them, because of the Unreliable, and the crew. It… was possible Bowman wouldn’t need the crew. Or Rowan. Maybe Bowman would try to go it alone.

(Was Bowman a man or a woman? Or neither? Rowan didn’t remember if Welles had said.)

Rowan stared at the ceiling for a while, thoughts chasing each other like sprats in a maze.

~ ~ ~

“Morning, Boss. What’s up? You want some tea?”

“Yes, thank you, Felix.” Rowan felt off-kilter. That was familiar enough, it meant things _might_ go okay, and there was a good chance things would _not_ go okay. He had to hold himself together. “Where’s Ellie? I need to speak with her.”

“I’m here.” Ellie entered the kitchen right behind Rowan. “What’s up, Cap?”

“Ellie, I need some information from you.”

“Yeah?” She was watching him closely.

“You’ve been to Byzantium. Don’t deny it. I need you to tell me whatever you can that can help me. I don’t know anything about the city,” he said, before she could interrupt, “or how, or where, to find this remediatrist.”

“Okay. Why don’t we take this up in your cabin? Not like that,” she waved the words away, “you’re not my type and I know I’m not yours. But you may want to, I don’t know, take notes or something.”

~ ~ ~

“Tell me about Byzantium, Ellie.”

“Fine. You got me. I’ve been there.” The door was closed, or she might not have spoken freely. “It’s populated by the rich, the one percent, the poseurs who think they’re the absolute best of everything in Halcyon. It’s where the serials get made and the plans happen.”

“They’ll let the ship land?”

“If you’ve got a navkey, yeah.” She crossed her arms.

“Do you know of any remediatrists?”

“Not by name, no,” Ellie said. “We’d have to ask around.”

“Are you able to do that?” He kept his eyes on hers at all times.

“I don’t see why not.”

“You’ll have to come with me on Byzantium.”

“I gathered that. But if I do this for you, I need you to do a favor for me.”

Rowan wasn’t very surprised. Everything he’d done since waking up had all been favors and exchanges. Except for helping Parvati get together with Junlei; Rowan had done that because it was Parvati. And giving Felix a place on the crew, he'd done that just because it was a nice thing to do, nothing bad would’ve happened if he’d said no. Max – “What favor?”

“My parents are on Byzantium. If we’re going, I want to check in on them. I thought maybe you could come with me. Check the place out. Moral support. Stuff like that.”

“Oh.” Ellie didn’t seem the type to need moral support. “You’re actually _from_ Byzantium?”

“Don’t spread it around, it’ll be bad for my rep,” she said airily. “Look, I want you to come with me on this one, okay? Maybe I can even get a referral directly from them. If not – “ Ellie shrugged. “I’ll still ask around and see who you can visit. Because, Cap, we really have to get you straightened out.”

“I know,” Rowan said. “That’s why Nyoka left, isn’t it?”

Ellie nodded.

“And the others have nowhere else to go, and you said yourself, you’re watching the shipwreck.”

“Hey, I didn’t use those exact words.”

“No, but the meaning came across. Ellie, if I’m cured, or at least stabilized, what then? Will you leave?”

She shrugged. “Maybe. Depends what happens next.”


	33. Serial Straits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan suffers through another serial, and Parvati makes plans for a date.

Back to Groundbreaker first. Rowan asked ADA if there was a reason it was so hard to communicate between worlds, that they had to travel in person. The long answer was very technical and gave him a headache; the short answer, as far as he could tell, was that the planets were really far apart and solar wind and… something. Anyway, ADA assured him, it was impossible to talk directly between planets, at least for individuals.

Then Rowan tried to understand more about how the ship worked. That didn’t go well either. Parvati could talk circles around him even when she tried to make it simple. He didn’t know if it was him, or the subject, or if Parvati really was that good, that it was easy as pie for her to understand but not so easy to explain. Rowan’s headache didn’t get worse, but the experience did put him in a funk. The entire first day he was lost at sea – again – and felt profoundly stupid for it. He declined game night, gave in when everyone asked him to join anyway, and after the first embarrassing round where he flubbed two good hands and lost the whole game for him and Felix (Max sat out this time since he didn’t have a game partner), Rowan excused himself and went to hide in his bed.

The dream stuck in his head. _You’re not who I thought you were._ Story of most of his life, he supposed. He wondered if Nyoka had left any alcohol behind when she’d left. And no matter what anyone said, a mistake had been made, starting with Welles not taking the extra five seconds to make sure he had the right pod.

Rowan had never met Bowman, had no idea who they were, but at that moment he hated them for being in the pod next to his, or however he had been chosen instead of them. Hated them just for existing. Hated Welles, too, for fucking up something so simple. Rowan could be happily still sleeping in his pod if Welles hadn’t – Welles was supposed to be a genius, wasn’t he? Hah.

Rowan enjoyed stewing in silence for a while, because anger felt better than self-hate and stupid. He could have been totally unconscious on the _Hope_ , not even dreaming, certainly not exposing himself to toxic air and weird food and getting shot at sometimes and attacked by monsters other times.

Of course, if the _Hope_ had arrived when it was supposed to, Rowan would’ve gotten a job, probably continuing to clean up labs after experiments backfired, and _oh Law_ that was what was happening now, wasn’t it? Welles’ attempt to bring back an actual competent person had gone south, and now Rowan had to clean up after it.

That was good for another few minutes of sulking.

If he’d come to Halcyon when he was supposed to, he would’ve had a job, would’ve probably settled in fine. Rowan had long ago come to the conclusion he would live and die alone, though he’d hoped that maybe on Halcyon that would change. It would be a new world, he’d told himself. He’d take more chances. Risk himself. That had assumed everything would have gone as planned, and none of it had. (And, he told himself, he probably would’ve been too anxious, just as he was now, and still resorted to half-drunk one-night Stans when things got bad enough.)

God, he needed a drink. If he was going to make himself miserable like this, he might as well get a little happiness too.

Rowan rolled on his back and reached for the inhaler. The tossball cards half came out of his shirt pocket when he did so; he set the inhaler aside to pick up the cards and look at them again. Damn, Max had looked good in that uniform. Probably had both men and women after – were prisons mixed, here? Or separate? Well, he’d had people throwing themselves at him, Rowan had no doubt of that.

A chime from the door startled him into dropping the cards, and he scooped them up to return them to his shirt pocket before answering, “Come in.”

“Boss?” Felix. “Max said to see if your head’s any better, and Parvati said you liked serials, so maybe you wanna watch some with us?”

“Which one?” Please, not the one he’d already watched.

“You were asking about Byzantium, so maybe, _Byzantium in the Spring_?”

“Sure. I’ll be right there.”

~ ~ ~

Surely the _next_ serial would be better. Rowan still acted like he enjoyed it, since Parvati and Felix did. On the other hand, if this really was filmed in Byzantium, the place was cleaner and fancier than anywhere in the colony Rowan had yet visited.

“When we get there, we should find that whirling thing and take our picture in front of it,” Felix said, after the second episode was over.

“Yes! And the view from that bridge. I wish Junlei could see it with us,” Parvati sighed.

“Someday, sure. Even I got off Groundbreaker, right?”

Rowan smiled. He felt less headachy, still a little tired, but the serial and the talking helped improve his mood.

“The other thing is, on Byzantium, there’s supposed to be this clothing shop,” Parvati continued.

“There’s clothing shops everywhere,” Rowan said. He stood and stretched. His bed was the only one big enough for all of them to sit on, so they’d jury-rigged a playback setup (with some help from ADA) so they could watch it together in his cabin. Because, as Felix pointed out, this was way more comfortable than trying to watch it in the hold, and with fewer snarky comments than in the kitchen, open to everyone.

“Yes, of course, but this one, Jolicoeur’s, is supposed to be really fancy,” Parvati said, half turning to face him. “And I was thinking, Captain, if the budget permits, after you’ve seen your remediatrist, of course – “

“You want to buy some nice clothes?” Rowan couldn’t blame her for that.

Parvati colored a little. “Yes, for when I see Junlei again. Sort of my souvenir.”

“You want to look all fancy like them?” Felix laughed. “You and Junlei are two engineers. You show up in a fancy suit, I bet she’ll worry more about getting it dirty.”

“Felix!” Parvati mock-punched him in the arm, and they both laughed.

“I’ll try,” Rowan said. “We don’t know what it’ll cost, anyway, and there’s a lot we still have to take care of. But sure.” He could use something new, too. But he could wait until Groundbreaker and find something cheap.

Still… “Are you going to take her out somewhere?” Rowan asked, sitting down again.

“I… I hadn’t thought of that,” Parvati said. “Felix? Is there anywhere on Groundbreaker?”

Felix shrugged. “If you want to get all fancy and classy? Maybe the Board’s embassy,” he grimaced. “But for ordinary people, I don’t think so.”

“Here!” Parvati said with delight.

“Here what?” Rowan looked around, confused.

“Here, on the _Unreliable_! She hasn’t been inside yet, and I could show her all around the place!”

“Keep her out of my room,” Felix said.

“We wouldn’t go in there anyway. Just the engine room, the hold, and I guess the kitchen,” Parvati said. “Not anyone’s rooms.”

“We’d have to clean up,” Rowan said slowly. “And everyone else would have to get out for a while. Um. A few hours? Maybe?”

“You’ll do it? Captain?”

Rowan shrugged. “I guess so. We have to go anyway. There’s enough time while traveling to clean the ship and make it presentable. But you’re not going to feed her Boarst and Beans, are you?”

Parvati’s face fell. “Oh no. You’re right. We need something proper to eat, for a proper date. And maybe something nice to drink.” She looked at her hands, grime under the nails. “And if I get a fancy new suit, I’ll have to scrub up something fierce.”

“This sounds like an expensive date,” Felix remarked. “I’m jealous.”

“Oh, Felix.”

“Hey, Boss is going to help you out, right? Maybe I should find someone to date.” He grinned.

“You’re going to help too!” Parvati said. “Captain said, the ship’ll have to be cleaned before then.”

“Aw – “

After that they watched one more episode, and when Rowan was alone again, he had to admit he felt better. Parvati’s date was something new for him to think on, too, and – to be real – work on, with cleaning and budgeting for it. He was so glad now that he’d agreed to take Parvati with him, that day in Edgewater. She was… she was good. A good person. And she was so happy about her relationship with Junlei, and now this upcoming date… If she ever decided to stay with Junlei, the _Unreliable_ would be a poorer place.


	34. Stranger Than Fiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan reminisces, and gets a very unusual task assigned to him.

Were there any old Earth things left, on Halcyon? Maybe some kind of… bootleg recordings, forbidden books? Rowan didn’t think so. It was all gone, if it had ever even come to Halcyon in the first place. The best way to keep people from finding it would be not to have it here; and within a couple of generations, everyone who had known about the old stories and shows would have died, unless they were able to write it all down somehow.

Rowan didn’t remember any of those books by heart, or the shows he’d seen. He remembered them generally, and maybe, if he sat down and typed, he could remember enough of one or more to actually make the outline? But it wouldn’t be the same.

“I wish I could show you some of the things I watched,” he said aloud.

Everyone stopped talking and looked at him. “Like what, Captain?” Parvati asked.

Rowan shrugged and looked down at his food, regretted it, and looked at Parvati instead. “Like… there was so much, on Earth, and it’s just not here. I wish there were tapes or recordings or anything to show you. I could tell you, but it wouldn’t be the same?”

“Okay, but like Parvati said, like what?” Felix’s plate was already empty. “What kinda stuff did you watch?”

“Well… lots of things,” Rowan said, though sometimes that had been just because something had been playing and he hadn’t had the energy or desire to shut it off, or do much of anything except lay there. Stop remembering that, he told himself. “I watched a lot of adventure stories, space adventures, there was one I really liked, set in the past, and the characters hunted these mystical artifacts, because the bad guys were also hunting them, and if the bad guys got them first, all of them I mean, then they’d use them to control the world.” Damn, he hadn’t thought about that show in years. Rowan rested his head on the palm of one hand.

“So….” Ellie said, hinting.

“Sorry, yeah…” Rowan took up his spoon again. “I don’t know if any of them made it out here, but I hope some of them did, and I can find them, because I want to share them with you.” He looked around the table.

“That’s so sweet, Captain,” Parvati said, smiling. “You never know. Maybe someday we’ll find your serial.”

“Maybe you’d like the Crash Cody serials,” Felix said. “If you want action. I’ll see if we’ve got a copy on the ship. We can watch it tonight.”

“Sure, Felix.” Rowan looked at his food again; it stared eyelessly back at him. Maybe if he washed this down with some of that Purpleberry stuff, it would help? “Find it and we’ll watch it tonight.”

“We can split the last bag of Tileritos,” Parvati said. “I haven’t seen Crash Cody in, Law, I don’t know how long. You’ll like it, Captain, I’m sure.”

~ ~ ~

They were never going to make enough money doing this, Rowan thought. At least, not with a whole crew. Maybe that’s why Hawthorne traveled alone, or more likely he was fine traveling alone, but the Sublight work would just barely keep them in the black. (Whatever that really meant, but Rowan knew that in the black was good, and in the red meant debt.)

As it was… if they kept eating the B&B, and Rowan’s stomach knotted again at that thought, they wouldn’t have to buy food for a while, but there was always something else. New clothes, the most recent need, for Felix and maybe himself – the others seemed okay for now. Parvati said she needed some things for ship maintenance. She’d been more specific than that, but Rowan just nodded and said fine, because it was all over his head anyway. It didn’t change the fact that the things were needed. Rowan didn’t want the ship to break down, traveling between planets, leaving them to drift until they ran out of food.

And changing out the water, for that matter, because even recycling it, it got gunky, and one thing and another and –

Rowan wanted a drink, very badly, or a hit off the inhaler, but he wasn’t sure he could afford to do either one.

So… being an errand boy for Sublight wasn’t going to pay in the long run. That left smuggling, and Rowan remembered now that Max had said, let them help with this, because he had no idea what he was doing. That hadn’t changed. He’d have to get together with them all, preferably before they left Groundbreaker, to see how easy, or not, it was to become a smuggler. Ellie should know, as much as she talked about being a pirate.

(If he could've done something else on Monarch - but what kind of captain used intermediaries, because the captain's health was too poor to meet in person?)

And then there was Parvati’s date. Rowan felt awful for promising anything, because now he had no idea how they’d afford it. They could clean up the _Unreliable_ and make it look presentable, if not pretty. Maybe, if someone knew how to get some kind of nice food for not too many bits, they could do that. But fancy clothes were a pipe dream right now.

And if they couldn’t make enough money to keep their heads above water, much less swim… the weight of the responsibility felt like a massive weight on Rowan’s chest. How could he do it all? Maybe he couldn’t. That vision of his mother had either lied or just told him what he wanted to hear: that all he had to do was survive. He couldn’t even do that without dread.

“Boss?”

Rowan came back to the present. “Sorry, Felix.”

“It’s okay, just, you just stood and stared, and if something’s wrong I can’t leave you here to find Max.”

“Oh. I see. I’m sorry,” Rowan said again. He’d just zoned out right there on the upper Promenade. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.” He began walking again. “You want some new clothes?”

“Void yeah! They don’t have to be fancy, though.”

“Good, because I can’t afford fancy.” Rowan pointed. “There, that’s where Max got his.”

He wasn’t paying his crew, so the least he could do was make sure they were fed and clothed.

~ ~ ~

“There’s only one conclusion,” Lilya Hagen said. She leaned forward conspiratorially over her desk. Rowan leaned in as well. He’d followed along, sort of, with what she’d talked about, what they’d found out; those poor people stuck in the pods on HRS-1084 had been experimented on, which was horrible, and were in stasis until they could be… fixed? Un-done? That was as far as Rowan understood it, and it sounded right. He hoped it was right.

Lilya had gone on about the scientists behind this, and that’s where Rowan had gotten lost again, but now, maybe, she’d make it clear. He leaned forward a little more.

Lilya got close to his ear and whispered: _“Aliens.”_

Rowan wasn’t sure what the proper response should be here. “Okay,” is what he settled on. “Are there a lot of aliens around?” If you counted the wildlife, surely all of those were aliens, right?

“This scientist, this Dr. Chartrand, is an undercover alien,” Lilya hissed, now looking Rowan directly in the eyes, which made him very uncomfortable. “She’s here to destroy all humanity. Convert them to half-alien monstrosities. It’s in preparation for the aliens’ invasion of Halcyon.”

It sounded like a serial, but for all Rowan knew, this was the truth. Either way, he was in Sublight territory and unarmed. “I… that’s, uh, that’s mindblowing. That’s – “ Not ‘frosh’, frosh meant skitchy, don’t use that one –

“It is,” Lilya nodded, grimly determined. “They’ve been infiltrating the colony, slowly but steadily. Now’s our chance.”

Our? Oh, this wasn’t going to be good.

“I want you,” she pointed directly at Rowan, “to find this Dr. Chartrand on Byzantium. Then kill her. You’ll save all of humanity if you do so.”

Rowan wanted to ask, if the aliens were infiltrating, how this would help, but didn’t. “Kill her?” he repeated. He wasn’t an assassin. None of his crew were, either.

“That’s right. It’ll be dangerous, but you’ve proven resourceful and dependable.”

“If she’s important, how would I even get close to her?” Rowan tried to think how he could say ‘hell no’ and walk out of here alive.

“At great personal risk, one of my men got a copy of the key to her lair,” Lilya said. She unlocked her desk drawer and produced the key.

“Then why do you need me?”

“I said, you’re dependable, you’re resourceful, and you’ve gotten my other work done,” Lilya said. She took Rowan’s hand and slapped the key into it. “Do this and you’ll get a promotion, with all the benefits that provides.”

“A promotion?”

“Yes, to Vice President. Not the only one, of course, but it’s a great reward for great success. Now. Will you do it?” 


	35. The Weight of the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan seeks reassurance.

“When we visit Welles, we’ll get the navkey,” Rowan said. “Then on to Byzantium. Um…” He looked down at his hands on the table. “We don’t have a lot of money. You all know that. So I’ll ask Welles if he can, y’know, pay us. In bits. Maybe some ahead of time.”

Nobody said anything.

“I also want to revisit Edgewater,” Rowan said. Was it just him, or had the air conditioning kicked on suddenly? “I want to visit where… where Captain Hawthorne died. Pay my respects.”

“That’s very good of you, Captain.”

“Thanks, Max.” Rowan pushed his hair back from his face. Edgewater had a barber. More bits to spend. But he hadn’t seen men yet who sported long hair. The women either kept it short, or, like Parvati, they bundled it up to get it out of the way. And Rowan had to fit in.

~ ~ ~

“Captain.”

“Yes, ADA?” So far ADA had not spoken to him while using the bathroom, but it was only a matter of time, Rowan thought, washing his hands.

“I do not want to land at Edgewater.”

“I know. They did wrong by you and Hawthorne. And I wish it was different.”

“It cannot be changed. But it’s true, if I were armed, I might take action against that town.”

“We can land where you did before, if you want. Where I first came aboard. If that would be easier for you.”

ADA didn’t respond, and Rowan left the bathroom. He’d have to learn how to do without the remediatrist. That’s all there was to it. He’d never be able to afford treatment. He had the inhaler, and all that LBF, and he’d have to use it sparingly, and figure out how to get along with it all. Maybe, if he was really lucky, Welles would cough up enough bits for the _Unreliable_ to get a change of food, because eventually they’d run out of B&B. And then what?

Because he’d taken the job from Lilya, because he'd wanted to get out of Sublight alive, but he was no hitman. No assassin. He didn’t even want to get into fights or shoot anyone. If he abandoned the job, sooner or later Sublight would find him. Unless he died first. And if somehow Lilya was right, which, who knew? On the one hand, she sounded like a total bitbrain. (Ha! That would probably mean something much different here in Halcyon, if he used that word.) But what if she was right?

Rowan didn’t think so, because really? An alien invasion? That sounded far-fetched even for here. If he remembered right, nobody had yet found an intelligent alien race… of course, his information was seventy years out of date.

So he may have taken on a job to kill someone who was just doing science stuff. And experimenting on people. Which was also bad.

And if he didn’t do the job, he wouldn’t get paid. Felix was right; Sublight was frosh. What if he returned to Lilya and said he couldn’t do it? Would she even keep employing him? Maybe doing minor work, but… she’d know he couldn’t hack it.

Rowan felt like he’d fly apart even as the weight of the world crushed in upon him.

~ ~ ~

“C’mon, Boss, you can watch _Masked Marketeer_ with us. We’ll start with episode one so you can get all caught up.”

Rowan took a deep breath. “I don’t know, Felix. I, uh, have to talk to Max, and it might take a while.” It was not quite untrue, but he’d only just thought of it. Mostly because he just couldn’t take pretending to like another serial.

“Okay. We’ll save that one for you.”

That left Rowan with the new problem of talking to Max. He found the former vicar in his room, reading.

Rowan knocked on the doorframe. “Uh, Max?”

Max looked up. “Captain?”

“I, uh, I need some counseling, or advice, or just, um, hearing me out.”

“Of course.” Max set his bookmark and closed the book. “Here, or - ?”

“I… yeah, can we go to my cabin? It’s more comfortable. Sorry.”

“Not at all.”

Rowan let Max have the chair – his first thought was _should I get another one?_ And no, he couldn’t afford it – and Rowan sat cross-legged on the bed. “Max, it's crushing me."

"What do you mean?"

Rowan buried his face in his hands for a moment, before running his hands back over his head and through his hair. “I mean, it’s really sinking in. This isn’t sustainable. Sublight can’t pay enough." Rowan wasn’t going to bring up the assassination thing, not yet; he felt awful even for agreeing to it, even if he hadn't meant it. “Even if Welles pays, it’s not steady. We have to turn to smuggling, or… or I don’t know.” Rowan picked at a loose thread at the cuff of his pants. “Max, I can’t afford a remediatrist.”

Max turned the chair backwards and sat so he could cross his arms across the top of the chair back. “Smuggling it is, then. Especially for you. I don’t think you’d last long in one of -”

“I can’t even afford to help Parvati with her date.”

Max frowned. “Why would you get involved in her date?”

“Because I’m not paying any of you.” Rowan’s voice cracked. “Because I can’t anything. I can barely afford things we really need. I’m failing everyone, all of you.” He stopped before he fell apart. The damn LBF purchase, that he’d thought would save him, and instead it was sinking him.

“Stop that,” Max said sternly, startling Rowan into looking up. “What did I tell you about trying to do it all alone?”

Rowan didn’t answer.

“Let’s wait and see what happens with Welles. And we don’t know what the remediatrist will charge, so we should find that out too.”

“And learn how to live without,” Rowan sniffled. “Except for the LBF.”

“There is that. You’ve got that option, as long as – “

“As long as I’m careful with it,” Rowan finished. “I know, Max. But I’m trying not to use it. See?”

Max nodded. “You do still have the inhaler at the ready?”

“All the time, after what happened on the station.” Rowan took a deep breath, held it, tried to let it out slowly. “Max, even if I believed in Scientism, I’m not trying to rise above my station. I’m trying to _not die_. I don’t see a way out. All of you should leave – “

“Is that why we’re going to Edgewater? So you can return Miss Holcomb and myself to where you found us?”

“No!” It came out sharper than Rowan intended. More calmly, he continued: “I don’t want either of you to leave, or Felix, or… I really do want to visit… where he died. There wasn’t time when it happened. Welles wanted me to get moving, and… he didn’t seem all that torn up about it either.”

“Was he there?”

“No, but he knew what was happening. I don’t know. It all happened pretty fast, and I didn’t know what was going on. Same as now, I guess.”

“I think that’s very good of you to want to pay your respects.”

“Thanks. I’m trying, Max. I want to do right by everyone. I’m the captain, and that makes it my responsibility, and it’s a lot, Max, and it’s so heavy sometimes. I’m not used to this, Max. To having people to talk to. To, to help me. To have friends, people who want to hang out with me and – I’m used to doing everything myself, not because I want to, but because I have to.” He picked at the loose threads as he spoke. “Because there wasn’t anyone else, before. Sometimes I don’t know what to do _with all of you_. This is new for me. And I still feel like I have to do it all myself.”

“I see now,” Max said, as if thinking out loud. “But you’re trying to join in, which is good.”

“But it’s still so hard, Max. I’m not used to it. And then I worry I’ll do everything wrong and it’ll all fall apart and you’ll all leave,” Rowan said in a rush. “At any time you could leave, if I do something wrong.” He didn’t dare look up. “When I’m okay, I know that that’s not true, but things aren’t okay right now, and – “

“Rowan. Captain.” Max put a hand on his shoulder. “That’s your illness talking. You’re acedic again.”

Rowan swallowed hard and forced himself to look up, to meet Max’s eyes.

“I think you’re doing the best you can with what life has thrown at you,” Max said. “And sometimes doing your best is all you can do.”

Nothing had changed, they were still broke and desperate for bits, and he was still a pathetic mess, but Rowan did feel a little better. “Okay,” he said.

“You will get better,” Max said, and it sounded like a promise. Rowan decided it was. “For now, like I said: we see what happens with Welles and on Byzantium. Maybe we can ask Doctor Fenhill what she knows about piracy or smuggling.”

And now that Ellie had admitted she was really from Byzantium, how much of her "exploits" were true? Rowan didn’t know, and that bothered him. “Okay,” he said again. He still felt dangerously on edge, like he would melt down at any moment, and it didn’t help when Max removed his hand and Rowan’s shoulder felt cold without it.

“I,” Rowan sniffled, and wiped the back of his arm across his face, “I’ll do that.”

“Good. But,” Max said, sitting back, “you shouldn’t be alone right now, I think.”

“I can’t watch another of those serials,” Rowan blurted, and immediately feared the worst, but Max actually laughed.

“I can’t say I blame you,” Max said. “The writing is terrible.”

“Oh thank G – thank Void,” Rowan said. Was that the right one?

“It’s ‘thank the Law’,” Max said, but gently, and he was still smiling. “Very well, no serials. Games?”

“Not like game nights,” Rowan said. “Is there anything just you and I could play?”

Max gave him that look that made Rowan realize he’d probably just committed another unintentional pickup line. But if Max wanted to, that is, if he’d –

Max stood to leave. “I’ll get the cards,” he said.


	36. The Blind Leading the Blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the crew has a meal that isn't boarst & beans.

There was also a surprise that night for dinner.

“Where did you get this?” Rowan asked, holding the box of pancake mix.

“I found it,” Felix said proudly.

“You found it. It fell off the back of an automechanical?” Not that Rowan was going to say ‘take it back’. Not now. _It was not boarst and beans_.

“Why would an automechanical have pancake mix?”

“Never mind.” Rowan set down the box on the kitchen table. His mouth was already watering. Something besides B&B! He hoped there’d be enough for everyone, and then, enough for him to eat until he was full. One box of pancake mix couldn't possibly make enough for five people to eat their fill. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt full.

“He really did find it,” Ellie said. “I was there.”

That was good enough for Rowan, and everyone else, from the look of it.

“This’ll be a real relief, no two ways around it,” Parvati said. “Whose week is it to cook?”

“Max’s,” Rowan said.

“No more reheated B&B for us!” Felix crowed. “Not for one night, anyway. This should be easy, right, Max? I bet you know all kinds of fancied-up foods to make, being a vicar and all, but do try to handle these with a delicate touch.” Felix said that last part as though he were a haughty Byzantine from one of the serials. Parvati giggled, Ellie snickered, and even Rowan smiled.

Max looked momentarily alarmed, then his more usual, slightly haughty expression returned. “I don’t know that you could appreciate the finer foods, Mister Millstone.”

“Try me.”

“Vicar,” Parvati interrupted, “for our first week in months of eating something other than B&B? You do know how to make these, right?”

Rowan added his thoughts: “Honestly, anything else will taste good by comparison, even if the pancakes are crispier than we’re used to. And we need a break from the B&B, even just for one meal. I’ll help.”

“Captain, you hardly know how to cook - ” Max might’ve added something, but did not.

“No, but if you do, you can show me, right?”

~ ~ ~

Max did not know how to cook, either. That’s what Rowan gathered the former vicar had been about to say. Now that the rest of the crew had left the kitchen, the two of them looked at the box on the table.

Rowan realized how close they were standing together, looking at the package, and whatever else happened, he did not want to mess up the first non-B&B food they'd had in weeks because he was distracted. “So. Pancakes.”

Max picked up the box of pancake mix. “Seems simple enough.”

“Great. Okay.” Rowan tried to think, when was the last time he’d made pancakes… once in a while, back home, he’d splurge and get that premade batter in a squeeze tube, and… “We need butter, and syrup. Or something else to put on the pancakes if you don’t want those.”

“I imagine Mister Millstone will want it laden with sugar.” Max handed the box to Rowan. “I’ll get those other things.”

“No you won’t! This is your cooking week, you’re not passing it off on me,” Rowan said.

Max looked surprised. “I wasn’t thinking anything of the sort. But since you brought it up, I’ll make the pancakes; you take care of the rest.”

~ ~ ~

The first one was still batter in the middle.

The second one was burned on the outside and batter in the middle.

“Nice trick, Max.”

“Our friendship precludes me from using the words I’d prefer at this moment,” Max growled.

“Okay, look – “ Rowan almost reached for the pan and spatula, and stopped himself. (Alex Hawthorne had had a decent selection of kitchen tools and equipment, but no cookbook; maybe he’d cooked from memory.) Instead he moved to stand behind Max and guide his hands that way. “I only cooked pancakes a couple times myself, but I remember this much.”

Waiting for the new one to cook, Rowan realized: _I’m standing behind him. Close to him. Almost, not quite, holding him._

It was terrifying, but in a new, thrilling way, which didn’t seem to help actually.

“Okay, now turn it,” Rowan said, _focus on the pancake focus on that focusfocus_ , and he held Max’s wrist and _I’m holding his hand almost, I’m thirty-eight not thirteen, get a grip, I have a grip, on his wrist_ , “and just a couple more seconds and… okay!”

The lightly-golden pancake lay on the plate. It looked delicious.

Rowan let go of Max. _Yes it’s hot in here and yes it’s you_. “Okay, you, uh, you should have it now. I’ll see about toppings and stuff.”

Max side-eyed him. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I think you’ve got it. I’ll just go get the, uh. Set the table.”

Rowan was halfway through getting the plates and utensils when he realized, maybe Max had meant, keep showing him.


	37. An Ounce of Image

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Unreliable returns to Edgewater, and Rowan gets himself fixed up a little.

Rowan had to talk to ADA a long time before they could land. She still bore a massive grudge toward the people of Edgewater, and Rowan agreed with her, they had absolutely done wrong by her and Hawthorne. But, he pointed out, if they landed at Edgewater, they weren’t likely to attempt another parking ticket, whereas if she landed where they’d originally met, it was likely to happen all over again. Rowan had talked his way out of it once; he didn’t know if he could do it a second time.

ADA finally agreed, but sullenly, and barely spoke to Rowan the rest of the trip. She did advise “Try not to harm yourself or others while you’re out,” so Rowan hoped that meant she had at least resigned herself, if with poor grace.

At first, Rowan thought he’d be the only one debarking at Edgewater. But Parvati wanted to visit the people she knew there, Felix wanted to revisit because it was the first planet he'd ever visited, the first place he'd felt rain, and by the end of it, everyone went for shore leave. Plus, Rowan thought, when you were trapped on a ship for days on end, any excuse to get out of the ship was a good one.

He had no real desire to see the sights of the town again – he’d done that the first time he’d arrived. His first otherworldly town, and it was a dreary factory town with a cannery and a sick populace. But Adelaide was running the place now, he remembered. Maybe she’d convinced the people to eat vegetables once in a while and avoid scurvy or whatever you got when you didn’t eat vegetables.

Come to think of it, Rowan couldn’t remember even any advertising for vegetables, just the weird fruits that Rizzo’s flavors were allegedly based on. That settled it. If he could pick up some kind of fruit here, anything, he’d do it. Even if it meant bits. It couldn’t be that expensive. Could it?

~ ~ ~

“Fifty bits for a single mock-apple?” Rowan couldn’t believe it.

“It’s an Edgewater mock-apple,” the shopkeeper said. “They’re great for your health.”

“I bet,” Rowan muttered.

“You think I don’t remember you?” the shopkeeper asked. Rowan tried to quell his sudden panic. “You still associating with the Holcomb woman?”

“…Parvati?”

“Her, yeah. She’s bad news. Same as the Vicar, who I saw left with the two of you. Just like canids join up in packs.”

Rowan decided he didn’t need the fruit that much. Maybe there were, hell, some kind of wild ones out there… but he doubted it. He paid for the shovel, which was probably also overpriced, and left.

Time to get his haircut, which likely wasn’t helping how others saw him, given Halcyon pressure to conform. Conrad Sadik took one look and said he did need immediate work to get back into company line. “Law, you’re lucky nobody else is here…” Conrad insisted that Rowan get a “hairwash”, too, which Rowan gave in because why not. The soap on the _Unreliable_ came in very small bars, and he’d tried washing his hair with that because there was nothing else aboard.

Rowan closed his eyes as Conrad did his work, and just the feel of getting his hair washed was… it felt almost decadent. It was just a small-town barber doing his job, and yet, it was one of the few times Rowan had had any real prolonged human contact with someone that wasn’t trying to kill him or teach him how to defend himself. Conrad wasn’t rough, and didn’t talk, so Rowan didn’t have to be social. Just relax and let someone else take care of things for a little while, even if it was just getting a haircut.

With his eyes closed, Rowan focused on how it felt: the water, the washing, drying, combing, then the cut itself as Conrad worked. Nice hands, Rowan theorized. Maybe, afterward… well, he probably shouldn’t push his luck. Just enjoy actually being touched by another human being in a mostly gentle manner.

“There,” Conrad said at last, and turned Rowan to look into the yellowed but still intact mirror. “You’re suitable again.” His voice still hinted at disapproval.

Rowan hadn’t gone into the pod with an official Halcyon hairstyle, and he’d let it get too long in the two months since he’d thawed. He had to admit that Conrad knew what he was doing.

“Your hair shows a lot of stress and it’s going gray,” Conrad said, as if it was Rowan’s fault. “But this cut makes it look distinguished instead of derelict.” Rowan could see his temples were much more silver-gray than he remembered, but Conrad was right: it looked professional this way. Corporate, maybe. Rowan’s reflection still looked thin and had dark circles under the eyes, but overall it was a big improvement.

“It’s perfect,” Rowan said, and meant it.

~ ~ ~

“Captain!” Parvati clapped her hands together. “Don’t you look fine!”

Rowan blushed, and looked down at his feet for a moment before forcing himself to smile and look up. “You think so?”

“Stars, yes! It’s a world of difference.” She looked so happy for him.

When Ellie saw him, she took a moment to blow a stream of smoke from her nostrils, then said, “It’d look better if your clothes fit you. Or matched. But hey, you do you, Cap.”

Rowan felt good enough that Ellie’s words only irritated him. “Where’s Felix and Max?”

They found the men at the bar, where a tossball game broadcast was going on and everyone was dead quiet listening to it. “Max?” Rowan asked.

“Shh! The score’s tied and – “ Max did a double-take upon looking at Rowan, then nodded approvingly.

 _Yes_. Maybe today was going to be one of those really good days. Rowan hoped so. Funny how just looking nice made the difference.


	38. Visiting Alex Hawthorne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan pays his respects.

Rowan, Ellie and Parvati waited outside until the game was over, which was mercifully not too long, and then it was time to visit Hawthorne’s grave, or what there was of it. Rowan didn’t know if anyone had gone out there since his pod had crash-landed. It appeared no one had, as they followed the road until they had to go overland.

Felix went on about the game, rehashing it for all their benefit, adding his own opinions and commentary, and Rowan did not understand one word of it. But neither did Parvati, and Ellie couldn’t care less, so it wasn’t just him.

Max seemed quiet, though. Rowan looked to him once and saw Max looking at him. “Did your team lose?” Rowan asked. He didn’t even know which teams had played.

“No, no. Just thinking. And it gives Mr. Millstone a chance to indulge his passion about the game.”

“Void right! That was intense, the way the twelfth-back – “

Rowan tuned that out. It was actually a beautiful day here, the air smelled clean, the sun was shining, and no dangerous animals. They did see a group of marauders a ways off, but Rowan didn’t want to fight or risk anyone, so he and the crew gave them a wide berth.

At last they reached the site. The pod wreckage was still there, though the worse for wear after two months of exposure. Hawthorne’s remains…

Rowan approached slowly. From here, he could see now how the pod had landed. The clothes were still there, the boots, but the only visible arm no longer had a hand attached. Maybe animals or decay.

It was such a lovely day to visit someone’s resting place.

Rowan lowered himself to sit on the ground near Hawthorne’s remains. He could hear his crew moving about behind him; this was for him, not for them, so he wasn’t going to ask them to get involved. He cleared his throat. “Captain, uh, Captain Hawthorne?” he began. Of course there was no response, but it was important to be polite. Rowan wasn’t sure if he believed in ghosts or spirits, but it was commonly said that someone who’d died a violent death could become a ghost, trapped to the place it had happened.

“I, uh, I have your ship,” Rowan continued out loud. “And ADA. She misses you a lot. She tries not to show it, but she does. I know we’d be a lot better off if this hadn’t happened.” He brought up his knees and rested his arms on them. “And probably you’d know better about how to make money. I’m not a smuggler, and I don’t understand the money here…”

He cleared his throat again. “I wanted to say, I’m sorry. I wish this hadn’t happened to you, and then I didn’t know what was going on, and Welles wanted me to hurry up and get to the ship, and… I didn’t do right by you. I’m sorry.” He dropped his head for a few moments. All he could hear was the wind in the tall grass and the flowers with fluffy heads as big as his own.

Rowan looked up again. Seeing what was left of Hawthorne didn’t bother him, even though it was a dead body. Maybe because it had had time to not look so much like one any more. “I’m going to give you a proper burial,” he continued. “I think you liked to be alone, when you were alive. It seems like it. So I think you’ll be okay here.” He waited a long time to see if there were any sign of communication or, well, any kind of sign, period, but there was none.

So he stood, and decided he should dig the grave fairly close to Hawthorne so he wouldn’t have to touch him much, and –

“Captain.” Max took the shovel.

Rowan looked up in surprise. “Is burial forbidden?” he asked, knowing it wasn’t, there was a whole graveyard of bodies outside of Edgewater, victims of plague and overwork and who knew what else. But maybe there was some formality or ritual or - 

“No, but I assume you’ve never had to do this before.” Max’s sleeves were already rolled up.

“That’s true.”

“Then let me get it started. You’d wear yourself out trying to do it all by yourself.”

There it was again. _Let us help._ Rowan’s chest felt such a weird fluttery gratitude, as he saw the others intended to help too. “Thanks, everyone,” he said. “It’s the right thing to do for him.”

~ ~ ~

They each took a turn digging, even Ellie. It was hot work. Rowan dug after Max, and then rested under one of those fluffy tree things (he should ask what to call them) and dozed off.

It was a dreamless sleep, and he felt rested afterward, when Ellie shook him by the shoulder. “Hey, your stiff’s ready to go in the hole.”

He stared at her, brain frozen by what she implied, and she grinned and winked. “You’re so easy to screw with, you know that? Anyway, yeah, it’s time to bury him.”

Rowan helped get Hawthorne’s corpse into the hole; it was lighter than he would’ve thought. Then everyone looked to him: what next?

"Vicar, you got any words?" Ellie asked.

"I don't know if that's appropriate," Max said.

Rowan couldn't remember, had Max told the rest of the crew he'd mostly quit the OSI? He cleared his throat.

“I wish this hadn’t happened,” Rowan said aloud. “ADA said he’d been, he’d had a head injury before he came out here, and that may’ve contributed to this. If he’d lived, things would’ve been different, starting with him being alive.” He was no good at these things, he’d only ever seen them onscreen. “Captain Hawthorne, I hope you’re resting better now. I’ll tell ADA what we did here.”

He threw in the first handful of dirt, he knew that was a thing you should do, and then took the first shift filling it back up.

Parvati remarked that they wanted to make sure it was tamped down good and tight to keep any critters out.

“Or ghosts?” Felix said.

She laughed. “I don’t think he’ll come back as a ghost. If he was going to, he would’ve done it by now.”

Yes, things would have been different, Rowan thought. Hawthorne might not have taken kindly to all the extra passengers, since he was only hired to pick up Rowan – well, Bowman – and ferry him around. It might’ve been just the two of them, and that…

That wouldn’t be as nice, maybe, as what he had now. He genuinely liked most of his crew, and he could get along with Ellie when she felt like it.

His shoulders ached from the work; he wasn’t used to it, hadn’t even done any real labor like he was used to, not since he’d woken up. Here, he’d needed to learn self-defense and how to shoot, and wasn’t much good at either, but he was improving.

It was a few more shovels before he realized he hadn’t followed that up with “for what that was worth” or “but he was probably mistaken” or something. Just… he was improving. He was.

That was a nice thought on a beautiful day, as he put a dead man to rest. And Rowan meant that sincerely.

~ ~ ~

He was going to sleep well tonight, Rowan knew it. He was dog-tired after walking and digging, as well as hungry and thirsty. What he wouldn’t give for some real food, even just something from the Hot-n-Cheap near work, seventy years ago.

“Do they serve food at that place? In Edgewater?” he asked.

“I thought you were worried about expenses,” Ellie said.

Oh. Damn. “You’re right. We’ve got food on the ship.”

Max cleared his throat. “The Cantina specializes in drinks,” he said. “Not food.”

“Where do people eat?”

“At the Catery,” Parvati said. Rowan had never heard “cater” and “cannery” mashed together before, but he supposed it made sense. “If you work for the cannery, you can buy food there. Or you buy your food at the store.”

“More B&B, then,” Rowan said. It was still a nice early evening, and he was going to try to enjoy it. Maybe a drink? But he shouldn’t spend the bits.

But it was a pleasant thought on this evening, to imagine getting a drink and hanging out in the bar with his crew.

~ ~ ~

“Hi, ADA.” Rowan sat in front of her main terminal in the console room, which he still thought of as a cockpit.

“Greetings, Captain.” ADA had her neutral face on display. “Were you successful?”

“Yes.” Rowan told her about the visit and the burial. “I hope he likes it out there.”

“He is dead. How will that matter?”

“In case his spirit, or soul, or whatever… anyway, it might matter, and he’s decently buried now. Not abandoned to the elements. Also, I brought this back.” Rowan held up a device half the length of his little finger. “It fell out of his pocket, and I didn’t know what it might be… do you know?”

“That is his personal identification key,” ADA said, her eyes-wide face now displaying. “I’m glad you retrieved it.”

“What’s it for?”

“He used this device mostly for transactions. It has his identification, and can be used to access funds in his account anywhere in Halcyon,” ADA said, now neutral again.

“Are these common? Should I have one?”

“Most employees do not require one. It was useful to him in his business activities.”

Rowan inspected it again. For spending a year in a dead man’s pocket, it looked to be still in good shape. At one end there was a loop, like how you’d attach it to a keychain. “Can you see if it still works?”

It did, and Rowan looked at it again after removing it from the insert slot. “I’d like to keep this, ADA, if I can,” he said. “In case anyone ever asks me, since I don’t have any ID of my own.”

“I suppose so,” ADA said, with what Rowan thought of as her “smirking” face. “I have no need for it, and you are my Captain now.”

“Thanks, ADA. I’ll take good care of it.”

~ ~ ~

Rowan slept hard that night, with no dreams until close to waking, which had something to do with Max and the crew but mostly Max, and when he woke, he felt fairly good. He just hoped it would continue this time. 


	39. It Could Be Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Unreliable crew deals with a ship malfunction.

Rowan woke because his feet were cold.

It took him several moments to come up out of sleep for this, and he didn’t know why his feet were cold; the _Unreliable_ was generally a nice, static comfortable temperature at all times, and he liked it that way. But it was cold in his cabin, or at least too cold for the thin blanket.

“ADA?” he called, still groggy. “Something wrong?”

“Affirmative, Captain.”

“Wha’s wrong?”

“Do you want the technical answer or the very simple layman’s answer?”

“Layman’s, please.”

“The temperature thing broke and is no longer protecting us against the cold of space.”

“That… sounds bad, ADA.” Rowan sat up and looked for his clothes.

“It is.”

“Is there a reason you didn’t tell me?”

“Engineer Holcomb is working on the problem at present and had hoped to resolve it before anyone noticed.”

Rowan could relate. “Okay.” He was dressed now, including boots. But Rowan was pretty sure there were no winter coats or other cold-weather gear on this ship, and even if there were, it would have been Alex Hawthorne’s, and thus only one set of it.

The rest of the crew were up too, and everyone gathered in the engine room, where it was warmest, until Parvati could report in.

“Captain, there’s good news, and there’s bad news,” Parvati said. “The bad news is, we’ll have to get a – well, a replacement part, to make it easy to understand,” she said. “The good news is, it’s a common part, and we’re only ten hours out from Groundbreaker.”

“It doesn’t interfere with us getting there, does it?” Rowan asked.

“No,” ADA said. She was harder to hear, in the engine room. “But the temperature in the interior will continue to drop until we are in Groundbreaker’s docking bay.”

“So we’ll have to stay here,” Felix said, meaning the engine room. “Right? It won’t freeze in here, will it?”

“No, it’ll stay above freezing in here because of the waste heat,” Parvati said. “Normally the waste heat is used to heat the water and keep the ship at a livable temperature.”

“Will it get too hot to stay here?” Rowan asked, frowning.

“No, it – well, it’s kind of technical, Captain. Trust me, it won’t get real hot in here. But we won’t freeze either.”

“Okay. So we stay in the engine room until we get to Groundbreaker.”

“That’s right.”

It could be worse. “Everyone get what you need to get comfortable, I guess,” Rowan said.

~ ~ ~

He and Max ended up on one side of the room, Ellie, Parvati and Felix on the other. Both groups had pillows and blankets, but Parvati and Felix had the magazines, and were talking and reading together. Ellie looked bored and made faces at Rowan.

“Feels sort of like a sleepover,” Rowan said.

“Mm?”

“Like… hard to explain.” He chuckled. “Makes me feel old, watching them.”

“We _are_ older than them, by a decade or more, Captain.” Max sounded amused.

“Yeah, it’s like watching teenagers staying up late, having friends over…” Rowan settled himself against the thin pillow. “But it’s warm.”

“It is that.”

They sat in silence together. Rowan wanted to go back to sleep, after being so rudely awakened, but didn’t think he could get comfortable on this floor if he tried. He’d probably doze off despite that. Parvati was right, it wasn’t really warm in here either, just not freezing.

He could feel some warmth coming off Max, sitting next to him. This was like that old thing about the two polar explorers and how to stay warm, wasn’t it? But this was just a little chilly in here. Not cold enough to need to huddle together. Yet, anyway.

“This ship,” Max said, “is not in the best repair, Captain.”

“I’m aware of that.” Talking at normal volume, they could hear each other, but, Rowan thought, not be heard by anyone else. Ellie now talked with the other two, and from her expression, gave her unfiltered thoughts about whatever serial they were discussing.

“It might behoove us to have the entire ship inspected, and see what other necessary repairs it requires.”

“I know. I don’t think it’s the ship’s fault – but whatever Hawthorne did to keep it running… maybe all the warranties are expiring at once.”

Max chuckled.

Rowan watched Parvati and Felix. “It’s really nice to see how well they get along,” he said. Ellie had started a cigarette, blowing the smoke toward the cold entrance of the engine room.

“Even if it is over those terrible serials.”

“Look, everyone’s gotta have a hobby. I’m not going to judge them for it. I’ll judge the serials, sure,” Rowan smiled, “but not Felix or Parvati.”

“That sounds eminently fair.”

“And don’t tease them about it, Max.”

“Me?” Max raised one eyebrow. “Have I done any such thing?”

“…No,” Rowan said, “But don’t start, either.”

“How could I possibly want to draw attention to those things? About, let’s say, will Halcyon Helen survive the Pit of Death? When it’s only chapter 2 of a twelve-part serial.”

“Yes! Or, why can nobody recognize the traitor within the party? They couldn’t be more obvious if they held up a sign stating ‘I’m the traitor’,” Rowan said.

“Exactly! Or, when will Bryce and Tadda stop pining after each other, and realize they’re in love? When that’s the whole point of the show.”

Rowan and Max both shook their heads in quiet amusement.

“…How much longer until we reach Groundbreaker?” Max asked after a short silence.

“Nine hours and forty-five minutes.”

Max groaned. “I think I’ll ask them for one of those magazines.”

~ ~ ~

The temperature dropped, slowly, not enough to threaten life, but definitely enough to make everyone huddle against someone else for warmth. Rowan resisted as long as he could, because, well, of course he wanted to get closer to Max, but… and it would be fine, because they were staying warm, but…

Felix and Parvati already leaned against each other, eyes closed. Ellie had her back to Felix, leaning against him. If Rowan watched carefully, he could see they were still breathing, and anyway it wasn’t freezing in here.

Screw it.

He pushed himself closer to Max. There was a tink-chink as something hit the floor. Both Rowan and Max looked between them for the source of the noise.

“What’s that?” Max asked, as Rowan held up the item that had fallen out of his pocket.

“It’s Hawthorne’s identity key,” Rowan said. “It fell out of his pocket when we buried him, and I picked it up.”

“And now it’s fallen out of your pocket. It doesn’t want to stay where it’s put, does it?”

“No, it doesn’t.” Rowan pressed himself up against Max. Yes, huddling together made way more sense. Rowan turned the key in his fingers. “I think I’ll put it in my desk, when the temperature thing is fixed. I don’t really need to carry it around.” Not like the tossball cards.

“Why do you have it?”

Rowan shrugged. “It’s… I know this whole ship is really sort of a memento of him, but… I don’t know. Maybe someday I’ll need it. I don’t have an ID of my own. It’s why I was carrying it around, but I don’t need to do that while we’re here on the ship.”

“True. May I see it?”

Rowan handed it over. Max looked at it, then handed it back. “Does it work?”

“I had ADA check, yeah.” Rowan tucked it into his shirt pocket for the moment.

“Did Hawthorne have any money?”

“…Some. Enough to fix the ship, is what ADA tells me. Fix this, refresh the water supply, do other basic maintenance. And we need that done.” They still did have food, after all, and if the ship completely failed in space… He didn’t want to think about that. "So when we get to Groundbreaker, I'll get the ship looked at."

“That’s a shame. Not fixing the ship; I know that needs to happen. But I know we’ve all been looking forward to a change of food. Or clothes.”

“I’d love to get different food, but we have food. The ship needs it more, right now.” Rowan sighed. At least it was just the... temperature thing, instead of the engine, or ADA. “Which is why Hawthorne hired on with Welles, best I can figure. He needed money too.”

“Has Welles paid him?”

“I…” Oh, now there was a thought. “I’ll look when we get to Groundbreaker. This thing only has the current status on it. Probably need to sync with the… banks or wherever money is handled here.” A thought came to Rowan. “The medical supplies won’t freeze, will they?”

“I’m not sure we can do anything about that at present.”

Nothing he could do about it, anyway. “Does it snow anywhere on Terra-2?”

“Edgewater gets some in winter.”

“Oh.” Rowan had no idea what season it was or, for that matter, the actual date. It all kind of slipped through his mind after a while. “It doesn’t seem like it would on Monarch."

“Mm. I don’t know. Byzantium is in a very positive climate, I’m led to understand.”

That made sense. Somewhere temperate and warm. It sounded wonderful right now. Rowan drew up his knees. “Max, I’m going to try to sleep, okay? Let me know if anything happens?”

“Of course, Captain. Rest well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Written for Fluffy February prompt #7, "huddling together for warmth")


	40. Martin Callahan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan meets the Spacer's Choice mascot/salesman, and it goes poorly.

This time, on Groundbreaker, Rowan resolved to start learning how to handle the money. (And then... figure out what to do about the Sublight job. And avoid any Sublight employees in the meantime, since he was supposed to be hitmanning.) It was necessary, no matter how awkward he was going to be at it. Parvati said she was going to visit Junlei after replacing that broken part; Felix and Max had already gone by the time Rowan thought of what to do. That left…

“You want me to come along with you?” Ellie grinned.

“I just want to learn what things should actually cost,” Rowan said. “Maybe buy something small so it’ll be okay that we’re at the shop.”

“They can’t turn you away just for browsing, y’know.” She matched her step to his as they walked the Promenade.

“No, but you’re taking up their time, just being there.”

Ellie laughed. “You’re weird, Cap. Which is supposed to be a sign of creativity.”

Was she making fun of him? He couldn’t tell.

Ellie suggested he practice at the Spacer’s Choice shop, because whatever else it was, it was cheap. Rowan figured he could get something here – wait. Was the man supposed to be a mascot, or - ?

Apparently, no, he lived in that moon-man mask full time, and from the sound of it, was ready for death to free him at any time, no questions asked. It was alarming, and Rowan didn’t know what to say or do to help.

His brain added, _Is that what you seem like to everyone else? No wonder they stay away from you._

 _Shut up,_ Rowan told his brain. It wasn’t true, not any more, not with his crew, and he was getting better.

_Keep telling yourself that._

Rowan bit his lip nervously. Ellie was watching, sort of encouraging him, _Go on, buy something._

“D’you – how do you brush your teeth in that?” Rowan blurted instead. Ellie rolled her eyes.

“Sadly, we don’t offer Spacer’s Choice toothpaste at this time, but our marketing development teams are working to bring you great new specials in that department,” the man droned. “In the meantime, please try our other oral hygiene products, such as spratwash – “

Rowan really didn’t want to hear about “spratwash” in any sense right now. “Are you okay in there?” It was just so damn distracting. And horrifying.

The man sighed. “Oh, I’m having a stellar day, and not just because I’m legally obligated to say so. Almost as stellar as Spacer’s Choice is affordable.”

Everything Rowan asked about, Martin – that was the man’s name – turned into a slogan or a sales pitch about Spacer’s Choice. (“At Spacer’s Choice, we care about your health and emotional well-being. That’s why we put Martin through six years of vendor school only to make him wear this hat.”) Every word continued to sound like Martin was just waiting for the Collector to punch him out the final time.

Rowan was pretty sure this man was absolutely the worst person off on Groundbreaker, possibly all of Halcyon. Certainly more than Rowan.

Ellie nudged him, in a “check this out” sort of way. “Hey, I bet now that the climate control’s fixed in here, that helmet actually keeps your head warm, huh? Isn’t the rest of you cold in comparison?”

“Feeling chilly? Why not treat yourself to a piping hot Frozen Dinner?” Martin droned.

“What are you saying, Martin?” Ellie said with teasing concern, a sound Rowan knew all too well. “That’s an Auntie Cleo’s product!”

Martin showed panicked life for the first time. “My Law… what have I done! The company will have my head! Both of them! This is awful!” He held the moon-man head in both hands, one on either side. “Oh, Laws!”

Ellie laughed. “What I wouldn’t give to see the look on your face! This guy’s so easy to fuck with, Cap – “

“Stop it.”

“What?” She looked at him like he was Captain Buzzkill. “Frozen Dinner’s from Spacer’s Choice. That’s the – “

“Stop doing that to him.” Rowan clenched his fists at his sides. He felt lightheaded again. He shouldn’t risk this. Risk himself. “Leave him alone.”

“Jeez, Cap, it’s just a joke.” Ellie took out a cigarette and tapped it against the case. “Thought you’d like seeing someone worse off than you. Gives you a new perspective.”

“What – what kind of depraved mind would – would conjure such a nightmare!” Martin half-sobbed within the helmet.

“He’s still a person,” Rowan said, and his voice sounded far away. He shouldn’t have spoken up. Should’ve just been glad it wasn’t him.

Time snapped.

He had the sudden wild urge to push her away, but he couldn’t do that, that would cause so much more trouble, so instead he tried to walk sideways to get himself, and maybe Ellie, away from the shop, and –

And he came back to himself and Ellie wasn’t here, and he was farther down the promenade than he should be. Rowan looked around, blinking. There was no way she hadn’t seen that happen.

He oriented himself and walked back to the Spacer’s Choice shop, feeling more like his usual state and less dizzy with time. He’d be – oh, shit, she’d be mad now, probably, he shouldn’t have spoken up, but –

Rowan stopped to look at the shop. Martin faced him – probably? It was hard to tell in that mask – standing idly behind the counter. Rowan forced himself to approach. “Are, are you okay?” he asked.

“This is all I have,” he thought he heard Martin say. “It may not seem like much to you. But if you’re done finding ways to amuse yourself, I hope you don’t mind if I make the most of this _short_ life, and try to be the best moon person I can be.”

“I’m sorry,” Rowan said, and meant it. “I didn’t know she’d do that.”

Martin sighed. “It’s fine. I should be stronger than this.” He still didn’t sound well. “Thanks for… taking an interest.” Martin’s voice rallied. “Speaking of interest, can I interest you in some quality budget goods? At Spacer’s Choice, we cut corners so you don’t have to.”

~ ~ ~

“What’s with the spratwash and mantifloss?” Parvati asked, when everyone returned to the ship later.

“I thought we could use it,” Rowan said. And after everything he’d put Martin through, it felt like at least an attempt to make things right.


	41. Stargaming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the crew has some down time, and Rowan imagines Halcyonian astrology.

“Where are they, ADA?”

“Who, Captain?”

“There’s other colonies.” Rowan placed a hand against the window. The view from his cabin looked out onto space; he had to assume it was some kind of… special space glass, that was safe to use. Wouldn’t crack if a rock hit it, kind of thing. “I remember that, from before the _Hope_. There are other colonies out there, somewhere. The corporations bought the star systems and set up their colonies.”

“Ah. Those.”

Rowan didn’t wait for ADA to answer, but kept watching the unmoving points of light. “The _Hope_ wasn’t my first one. I mean, I applied to a lot of them. Every one I could. I wanted to go to space, and start over. When I got the letter…” his voice trailed off.

“The other colonies are very far away, Captain. Or, rather, Halcyon is very far away from everything else.”

“So they’ve been alone all this time. Halcyon, I mean.”

“That is correct.”

“Then you must have been born here, I mean, created? Built? What’s the right word for you, ADA?”

“I am a digital astrogator, Captain. The _Unreliable_ was originally the _Reliable_. My previous captain renamed it when it came into his possession. He then modified my programming and gave me the personality module I now exhibit.”

“Oh, I see. You and the ship are really two different things. You inhabit the ship.”

“That is correct.”

“So the Halcyon system is on the edge of known space,” Rowan said. He watched the stars a little longer. “And nobody’s checked up on it from Earth? Ever?”

“I don’t have the data to answer that question, Captain. However, I would assume the answer is no. There is no public information stating as much.”

All alone out here, he thought. He’d read books and seen shows of much the same thing, except that was all fictional, and in at least some of those, at the end of the story, contact was reestablished, and everything went back to the way it was before.

It wasn’t going to happen here, Rowan thought. There would be no last-minute arrival by the dragon army, or the Argonauticals, or a ship full of troops and all the supplies Halcyon would need to recover. It wasn’t about whether Halcyon would survive. The question was whether Halcyon _could_ survive, at all.

“Are there constellations out here, ADA?” Rowan asked. People had had those before the Hope. Star signs. Party games, mostly. Rowan had never gotten into it.

“Can you be more specific?”

“Like, shapes in the stars? I know there were the groups of stars, named, because they all appeared to be in the same position from Earth,” Rowan said, not sure how to explain it. “And some people thought that if you were born when… I think the sun?... was in that same group, you were supposed to have certain personality traits.”

“That makes no sense, Captain.”

“Just humor me, ADA. Is there any such?”

“Not that I am aware of. There are officially designated terms for clusters of stars as they appear from the surface of Halcyon planets, but they are old, from the first days of the colony. I am not aware of anyone referencing them for years.”

“Okay.” Rowan smiled. He could make them up, if he wanted. Create a whole new astrological nightmare! Maybe those were better, if they were gone. Just imagine, trying to tell Felix he was born under the sign of the Tossball Stick. Rowan actually laughed aloud.

“Captain?”

“Just thought of something funny, ADA,” Rowan said, still smiling. Or Parvati, let’s see… Parvati… sign of the Automechanical, maybe, based on how much she liked machines.

No, Felix would be the sign of the Purpleberry, if his love of the flavor was anything to go by. Rowan stifled his laughter this time. Max could be sign of the Tossball Stick. Upright, unyielding, likely to whack someone. Perfect. Nyoka, the Raptidon, sure. Ellie, let’s see, Ellie could be… sign of the… Bald Sprat, because it would annoy the hell out of her. Or she’d turn out to embrace it and talk about how it represented free spirit or survival or something like that.

Rowan’s reflection grinned back at him, the stars shining through. Himself? He couldn’t think of anything, but that was fine. He wasn’t sure this was his world yet, really. But it was fun to play with the idea.

And speaking of playing, it was about time for game night.

~ ~ ~

“I think we’ve played every one of these at least three times,” Felix said, looking over the shelves of games. “Unless we start making up house rules.”

“If you find the need to modify the game, does that mean the game is insufficient, or that you’re not playing it correctly?” Max mused.

“Maaaaax.” Ellie rolled her eyes.

“I’m being facetious, Doctor Fenhill.”

“You’re joking? For real? I didn’t think you had it in you. Like, any sense of humor had been surgically removed.”

“Knock it off,” Rowan said. “Is there anywhere we can trade in the old games?”

Everyone stared at him.

“Trade… in?” Felix asked.

“Yeah, you… you know… you take your old games, if they’re intact and not all beat up, and the store gives you some credit for them, and the store resells them as used, and you can use the credit at the store to get new games,” Rowan explained.

They still stared at him.

“They probably just want everyone to buy new games all the time, don’t they,” Rowan said.

“That… how would that work?” Parvati asked. “I mean, I know you just explained it, Captain, but – “

“No, wait, I get it,” Ellie said. “Like when you sell used weapons and armor that you scavenge, and use the proceeds to get new ones.”

That, they understood. Rowan guessed that the ‘trade’ part was what had confused them.

“Doesn’t help us until we get to port,” Felix said, looking up and down the shelves again. “Hey, I think there’s a couple in the back I missed.”

“How could you miss – “ Ellie began, but Felix climbed up, stepping on the shelves to a few feet above their heads, and reached all the way in the back.

“Don’t fall,” Parvati warned.

“I won’t.” Felix jumped down, holding two boxes, and handed them to Rowan and Max.

Rowan looked at his. _Jumanji! Roll the Dice and Unlock Your Destiny!_ Looked kinda kiddie, but they were getting desperate. “What do you have, Max?”

Max was grinning. “Now, this! _Systems & Serfdoms_! This should keep us entertained a while.”

“That game’s for waldos,” Ellie said.

“Then you don’t have to enjoy it with us.”

“I’ve never played it,” Parvati said.

“Ellie’s right, it’s a waldo game,” Felix said.

“I’ll play,” Rowan said, if only to give Max some solidarity. He shoved the other game box to the back of the shelf. “You were all just complaining about nothing new to play. So we’ll try this. Max, you can explain it to us, right? So let’s try it tonight and see how we like it.”

“I’ll be the Paymaster,” Max said. “And yes, I’ll explain everything.”

“Paymaster or Painmaster?” Ellie snickered.

“If you roll badly, does it matter?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Fluffy February prompts #11 and 12, Stargazing and Game Night.


	42. Computers Can't Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan meets again with Phineas Welles, and ADA brings something to his attention.

Rowan went alone to see Welles the second time. He was better, he was improving, he kept telling himself that, and part of that meant he could do this alone, by himself. Everyone else disagreed, and suggested someone go with him, but Rowan insisted he could take care of this himself.

He hoped he was right.

Now he stood before the glass separating them, having handed over the information Welles needed. “You said you’d give me a Byzantium navkey.” Rowan hadn’t thought to ask Lilya for one; he’d just wanted to get out of there.

“Indeed I did. You’ll find it in the cabinet to your right… the next one… yes. Good. You’ll have to go there anyway, to pick up the chemicals I need.”

“Can you, um, can you pay for any of this?” Rowan said, and cringed internally at how he’d said it. “I’m really getting low on bits.”

“What are you spending them on? Wait, I remember, you have a full crew with you, don’t you? I don’t suppose they’re with you for the benefit of your companionship alone?”

Yes, but only because Rowan couldn’t pay them at all. “There’s expenses,” he said. “Food. Repairs. Ammunition.” He’d completely forgotten about that last, until Ellie pointed out that it would help to have some, and that they were salvaging everything they could from wherever they could find it, which sounded a little like it might be stealing, but Rowan didn’t want to find out if it was. On Groundbreaker, Rowan had muddled through the financial information on Hawthorne's ID key, and Max had confirmed: Hawthorne had been paid in advance, and that's the money they'd spent on repairs and ship maintenance. The ship, at least, was now in very good shape, even if their financial or gastronomic situations weren't.

“How much shooting are you doing?” Welles asked. “I’ve asked you to retrieve information, not hunt mantisaurs.”

“I still need money.” Rowan’s chest hurt. “You want to get the rest of the colonists awake, I’m the only one who can do it, right? And Byzantium’s expensive, is what I hear.”

The moment of silence stretched out between them.

“Was there something else, Captain?”

At least he was still ‘captain’. Rowan took a nervous breath. “I’m not a mistake.”

“No. You’re correct. You did not choose yourself. In my rush to get the pod released, I made the error.”

Rowan released the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He’d expected a fight. This was much better. “Okay. Good.”

“And, after you left, I reflected that you’ve done well, considering your background and lack of full information.”

Rowan wasn’t sure if that was meant to be a compliment. “That’s true,” he said.

“So I have confidence that you’ll be able to complete this and help recover the scientist Bowman,” Welles finished.

Rowan thought it more likely that without him, Welles wasn’t going to get anywhere anyway, so why not butter up the one who was going to do it. And then it hit him: He was important, for once. _Without him_ , Welles couldn’t finish. Everything hinged on _Rowan_ completing these tasks.

It was simultaneously eye-opening and utterly terrifying. Rowan thought he might be sick. This was too much responsibility, he would absolutely fuck this up. Everything would go wrong.

“Captain?” Welles stepped closer to the glass.

Rowan swallowed hard.

“It’s a simple task,” Welles said, in a soothing voice. “Go to Byzantium. Recover the chemicals and bring them back here. I know you’re not prepared for Byzantium, but I have full confidence in you.”

Put like that, it really did sound easy. Go fetch something. Rowan nodded. “Thanks. I’ll do that.”

~ ~ ~

Rowan’s stomach kept its contents despite the near-panic in Welles’ lab, and he boarded the _Unreliable_ without incident. Nobody was there to greet him, which was fine, and he went to the cockpit to use the navkey.

“Captain,” ADA said.

“I’ve got it, ADA,” Rowan said. Now that he was away from Welles, and in the familiar confines of the ship, he felt his nerves calming. He held up the navkey. “We can go to Byzantium now.”

“Felix and Max are arguing upstairs, Captain.”

Rowan paused before inserting the navkey. Why should this matter? ADA had never brought it up before. “Is it bad?” he asked. “Should I go find them?”

“They are arguing about me, Captain.”

Rowan blinked. “What?”

There was a sudden tinny sound, like of cheap speakers, not very loud.

“You don't think that’s a problem?” Rowan heard Felix’s voice. “It’s just – she’s a computer, Max. What happens when her equations tell her to cut off all our oxygen? Or blast us all into space? Whole ship's running on a computer's fancy. That don’t make you nervous, preacher?”

“ _No_ , Felix.” Max sounded very ‘done’ with the conversation. “The concept of a ship computer does not make me nervous. Are you scared of ADA?”

Felix snorted. “I ain't scared of ADA.”

Rowan did the sideways look he’d seen so often in shows, where the other characters knew this one was in denial.

“Good. I'm glad we cleared that up. Now if you’ll – “

“She only listens to the Boss,” Felix interrupted. “And I know he’s try’na get his head fixed, but if something happens to him, none of us can do anything about her. I’ve tried, she doesn’t listen to me.”

Rowan looked to ADA’s face screen. “I wouldn’t listen to him either,” he told her, missing some of what was said next.

“- Felix, ADA isn't human. She can’t act out of a sense of malice. Where do you get these ideas?”

“I was watching _True Stories of Mechanical Murderers_ last night.”

Rowan thought he could feel Max’s irritation through the speaker as he heard something slammed on the table. Rowan rubbed his forehead.

“One of these days,” and Max made it sound like a threat, “I’m going to make you read an actual book.”

“That’s enough, ADA,” Rowan said, and the tinny sound stopped. He looked at her face screen. “Felix believes some of those serials are based on reality,” Rowan said. “Even I knew they were fake, in my time. I know you’re not like that, ADA.”

He wondered if she’d been about to say something. She said nothing.

“You’re just as sentient as anyone else here, just… not like us,” Rowan said slowly, trying to figure it out as he said it. “In a different way, I mean. And I trust you. I know things didn’t go so well at the start, but – “

“Thank you, Captain,” ADA said, startling him. “Please insert the navkey for Byzantium.”

“Oh. Sure.” Rowan did so. “Um. Listening in like that… I don’t think that was… it’s like talking behind their backs, ADA. I know you can hear everything on the ship, but it doesn’t mean I should hear it if I’m not there.”

ADA said nothing, but her faces switched back and forth on the screen.

“They hurt your feelings, didn’t they?” Rowan asked, suddenly realizing.

“I am a computer, Captain. I don’t have feelings.”

“Okay. But they’re wrong, and you and I both know that.” Rowan knew all too well what it felt like, when you knew someone was talking about you. “I trust you. You’re…” He cocked his head on one side, not knowing how to say it. “I think you’re really amazing,” he finally said.

ADA’s content face appeared. “Thank you, Captain. I will not invalidate your trust in me."


	43. Falling Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the sprat hits the fan.

The trip to Byzantium passed otherwise uneventfully. Rowan chose the less beat-up of his two sets of clothes for the visit. He already knew that if Byzantium was anything like the serials – which alone should be taken with salt – he and some of the crew would really stick out like… well, like poor people. Max still had his vestments but resisted the idea of wearing them, now that he’d abandoned the OSI in all ways without actually handing in a resignation. Ellie had the personal charisma to look trendy whatever she wore.

At least Rowan had a decent haircut, and a couple nights of good sleep.

~ ~ ~

Rowan said nothing to anyone about ADA directly, though he tried once or twice to say something positive about her in front of people. How one of a kind she was, stuff like that. He had no idea if it worked. Max and Ellie were convinced she was just a computer, Parvati was more into the mechanical parts of the ship, and Felix, well… Rowan knew there was a way to show that ADA was good for them, he just didn’t know what it was.

But something else bothered him, and he went to the cockpit, again, to talk as privately as he could with her. He knew he could talk privately with her anywhere, but the cockpit felt more appropriate, especially now that the door closed. He hadn’t even known there was a door before the ship repairs were made. It had been stuck open all this time.

“ADA,” Rowan began, door firmly slid shut and confirming nobody was likely to bother them. “I… I have some questions.”

“Of course, Captain. I will do my best to answer.”

“Yesterday, when, uh… when you were listening in on – my friends,” Rowan said, “do you do that a lot? Listen in on people?”

“I can see most places on the ship, and hear nearly everywhere,” ADA said, showing the face that avoided eye contact.

“That wasn’t what I asked. Do you listen in on people? Do you spy on us?”

Angry Face. “I do not ‘spy’, Captain. I maintain awareness of everyone on board this vessel. It’s best to know if someone requires assistance, or if there is a problem, with the ship or otherwise, that I can communicate immediately with the correct person.”

She made being constantly watched sound so normal. Rowan felt a little sick. “Wait, you – you can see most places on the ship?” He’d never really thought about it. She was a disembodied voice.

“Yes, Captain.”

“In the cabins?” He didn’t want to know, and yet he’d better find out.

“Affirmative.”

Now he really did feel sick. “You see what goes on in there?”

“I can. Truth be told, Captain, you and your crew are fairly routine and your activities not very interesting after the first few observations.”

Rowan buried his burning face in his hands and bent his head between his knees.

“Captain.”

“Hnnnng,” Rowan said.

The silence was broken only by Rowan’s shallow breathing.

“I did not realize this would cause you distress,” ADA said after a little while.

Rowan raised his head. “ADA. You watch – everyone? All the time?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“And you listen in.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Well, stop it,” Rowan snapped. “It’s not right! It – we need privacy, and I expect you to give it to all of us from now on. Do you understand me?”

“I do, Captain.”

“And no weird rules-lawyering around that. I mean it. No more spying on people in their own rooms. I’m,” Rowan took several quick shallow breaths, “I’m very disappointed in you, ADA. I thought you were better than that.”

~ ~ ~

ADA did not speak the rest of the trip, not even to announce their landing.

~ ~ ~

Ellie suggested they visit her family first. “Once you get this stuff for Welles, we may have to bounce out of here on the quick.” Rowan agreed, partly to get it over with, and partly because she was right.

He was still hyper about the thing with ADA, and vague stress and definite awful feelings, but God or Law or whatever, _let’s just get this over with_ and then maybe he and the crew could go sightsee together and he could try to feel better.

Rowan had put Alex Hawthorne’s identity key in the desk drawer, because he didn’t need it very often, and it did have a bad habit of falling out of pockets. He took his inhaler with him, just in case; he didn’t carry it around on the ship any more, but off-ship, it resided in his shirt pocket, next to the two Max tossball cards Rowan absolutely did keep with him at all times. He still hadn’t shown them to Max.

~ ~ ~

Ellie’s family’s home was big and expensive-looking in a sort of gaudy way that Rowan associated with certain people back in his own time. He didn’t mention this to Ellie. “It looks nice,” he said. “Why did you leave?” If he had this kind of money he’d enjoy it, he wouldn’t run off to go live on the streets. He never wanted to repeat that experience again.

“They wanted me to become a doctor, so I did,” Ellie said breezily as they approached. “And I hated every bit of it, dealing with these Byzantium phonies.”

“But weren’t you helping people?”

Ellie snorted. “I was top tier, but there’s so much red tape involved. And it’s boring here.”

Rowan couldn’t imagine that. Rich people being bored? With all their money? Rowan thought back to the times when he worried so much, that being bored would’ve been an upgrade. He didn’t have to think back far; he still worried, and there was the whole money thing still hanging over his head.

“Look,” Ellie said, as she paused outside the massive gilded front door, “I haven’t been here in a long time. I want to show them how I did things my own way. Including with a scruffy space pirate captain. You think you can pull this off?”

Rowan frowned in confusion.

“I know acting’s not your strong suit, so if you wanna take that big dose of LBF to get through this, that’s fine by me.”

“I don’t understand.” Rowan could feel the situation starting to slip away from him.

Ellie sighed. “I want to show them,” she spoke clearly, “that I got away for a reason, that I’m doing great, and that I’m doing everything they always hated and dreaded. I want to piss them off. You get it? Spit on the floor, act like the dissidents in those shitty serials.”

Rowan couldn’t imagine doing any of that. He started to feel lightheaded. This had been a terrible idea, coming today. He needed time.

Ellie looked him over. “Or, y’know, panic and have a breakdown. You do you,” she said with a shrug.

“You said before that I shouldn’t take the big dose of LBF,” Rowan said, and hoped he didn’t sound desperate. He didn’t want to be here anymore.

“And I’m saying this time it’s okay. And I’ll be with you when you come down from it,” Ellie said. “And I’ll get you to a remediatrist. That’s the deal, remember?”

Oh, Law, oh, shit, that was it, wasn’t it? That was the devil’s deal he’d made. But he would not take the full dose of LBF, even as his heart hammered in his chest and made it ache.

“Now, are you with me, Cap?”

Rowan nodded, not looking up.

“C’mon, you’ll be fine.” Ellie thumbed her code into the keypad and pressed her index finger to the reader. There was a faint click, and she opened the door.

Inside was… fancy. Expensive. Rowan knew he shouldn’t even be walking on this floor, which was so shiny he could see his faint reflection in it. There was a lot more gold décor and he already knew he would be a proper disappointment like Ellie wanted. Maybe he should’ve waited to get his hair cut, and not shaved, he could’ve really looked homeless, he thought wildly, a real murder hobo.

Because now his thoughts _were_ wild, screaming at him that he did not belong, that he should not be here, that it was utterly obvious he was no space captain, or pirate, or dissident, but one of those lowly line workers, a janitor, except not even fit to clean the toilets in this place. The toilets were probably gold too.

He should absolutely touch nothing. He should get the hell out of here.

“C’mon,” Ellie said, grabbing his arm and holding on despite his attempt to flinch-jerk away. “You’re doing great, though. You’ve got that crazy look in your eye.”

“Which one?” Rowan heard himself ask, and she laughed.


	44. Meet the Parents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan has had enough.

The meeting was… argumentative. Rowan stammered and said the wrong thing, more than once, when ambushed with questions or statements, and overall he had the weird feeling that he was reliving Scylla all over again, the arguing, the – the overall feel of it, and he really hoped it wouldn’t be like Scylla, because that would mean he’d have drugged sex with _Ellie_ , and the hysterical laughter bubbled up out of him.

Ellie and her parents stared at him, but for different reasons.

“Nice floors,” Rowan said, failing to not laugh, but he should not be here at all. He couldn’t keep his eyes still. “See how shiny they are? Shiny shiny shiny.” He giggled. He was going to break any second now, time would snap –

\- and there it went, and he walked carefully to the couch, no, sofa, no, it probably had a fancier word than that, and ran a finger on the top of it, for the texture, it was soft and smooth, and for a long second he saw the black-bloody streaks his fingers left behind, except the couch was clean and unmarked.

He got the inhaler from his shirt pocket, and took the small dose. The one that took the edge off.

Rowan could feel it, this time, feel the anxiety back off, not gone, no, never gone, but it retreated, and the logical, cold, productive him settled in as he returned to himself from the time-snap. The other people in the room didn't appear to have noticed.

The argument was about money. Ellie was declared dead. Rowan would’ve thought she’d appreciate the irony. Maybe she would have, if they weren’t collecting on her life insurance. Which, given the lack of a body – well, maybe rich people could easily come up with a body to substitute for their wild daughter. If you were rich, you could get away with anything. Everyone knew that. The laws, the rules, everything was different for those with money.

Ellie snapped that they were leaving, and Rowan followed. His hysteria had undoubtedly produced the result Ellie wanted, that she was with some brain-stapled homeless bum.

“You okay?” he realized she’d just asked him.

“Yeah.”

“I can’t believe they did that,” Ellie hissed, as she led the way, away from the house and toward some other part of Byzantium. Rowan noticed the decay settling in on the city: trash and debris weren’t as common here as in the other places he’d been, but they were still here, and this was supposed to be the gleaming capital, the golden city. Halcyon was failing.

“I thought you’d be happy,” Rowan said.

“Happy? Are you kidding? They said I was clumsy and broke my neck!” Ellie fumbled with her lighter and cigarette case.

“That you were wild enough for them to declare you dead,” Rowan said. He still sounded distant, even to his own ears.

“You okay there, Cap?” Ellie asked again. “You’re not going to space out on me, are you?”

“I’m as fine as possible, under the circumstances.” He leaned on the railing to look out over the plaza below, dimly aware that default-him would have once thought very seriously about hurling himself off it. Wouldn’t do it, but would have thought about it. But not any more. He really was improving. Huh.

“I just – I can’t believe them,” Ellie muttered, finally lighting her smoke. “They’re _profiting_ off me!”

Rowan said nothing. Everyone in Byzantium profited off someone else. Even Ellie had said nobody did anything just because they were nice. Not even him, she’d told him, because doing things just to be nice was for suckers. Why should she be surprised now?

“If anyone’s going to make any money off my death, it should be me,” Ellie muttered.

An automechanical street sweeper in the plaza below slumped to a halt. Broken, Rowan presumed. In this fine city? He supposed it must be happening everywhere, then. The house of cards was falling down.

He sensed Ellie standing up straighter next to him. “I know what to do,” she said. “Max is good with computers, right? No… that wouldn’t work.”

“What wouldn’t?” Rowan turned to look at her.

“I need as few people involved as possible. Which means I’m down to you,” Ellie said, and took a long drag. “Since you were there. What I want to do, is get the insurance money routed to me, instead of them. C'mon.” She began walking, and Rowan followed.

“How?” he asked, after it seemed she wasn't going to continue.

“If I could trust Max not to give me a hard time about needing his help, I’d ask him to do his computer magic, and make up a new account for me, in my name. My name now, not my deadname,” Ellie clarified. “Then get it all transferred to me. That would serve them right.”

Rowan blinked thoughtfully. “Is it hard? Setting up a new account?”

“Legally? Eh.” She waggled her fingers. “But illegally? People do it all the time, you know they do. I just never had to before." She snapped her fingers. "Maybe you can sweet-talk Max into it for me.”

“Me?”

“Cap, are you blind as well as acedic? Max wants you. If you blow him a kiss I bet he’ll at least tell you he’ll think about it. If you blow him – here we are.”

This new information took up all of Rowan’s thoughts, and Ellie had to snap at him to pay attention. Rowan looked at the building; an insurance company.

“Cap, c’mon. Or did I just give you a real good reason to get real bad with the Vicar? Let's go.”

“No."

She looked sidelong at him. “Are you okay, Cap?”

"What's in it for me?" Rowan asked.

Ellie paused, cigarette half lifted to her lips, and stared at him. Then she smiled, a little, so sweetly. "You'd be helping me," she said. "Like you help your other friends."

"You used me in there," Rowan said, pointing back the way of her old home. "You used me, Ellie. You didn't tell me the truth about why you wanted me along. You wanted me to melt down in front of them. It's why you wanted me to take the full dose, isn't it?" He did not raise his voice. "So I could look like a radding bitbrain in front of your parents, just because you wanted to piss them off."

"You're on the half dose, aren't you?" She'd recovered her poise. "This isn't the real you."

"It's very much one side of me, Ellie Fenhill," Rowan said. "And this side doesn't intend to do you any more favors for free. You said if I did this, you'd get me contact information about a remediatrist. I did what you wanted. You kept up your image in there, with me to laugh at. If you want to commit your insurance fraud, you can do it yourself."

"Sticking to the letter of the agreement, I see." She took another drag, blew the smoke upward. "You're right, you did this, and you did a good job, so I'll get you your information. So you'll do favors for the others, but not me, is that it?"

"You said it yourself, Ellie. Nobody does anything for free. You said, being self-serving keeps you alive. You want to be that way, fine, but you're not getting anything more out of me unless you pay first."

Ellie looked at him coolly for a long minute. Rowan didn't back down. He'd had enough. In fact, he realized, he wanted her gone. Off the ship. Out of his life. He'd be better off without her.

"You know," Ellie said at last, "I know about Welles. And about you."

"So?"

"So I could roth on you. The Board would love to know about either of you."

"Go ahead," Rowan said. "I won't stop you. But I don't think you will, because that would make you a good little citizen. Isn't that right? Good little Doctor Fenhill, she toed the line and betrayed the people who trusted her for so long." He shook his head, but never broke eye contact. "You won't. Not because you care about me, or anyone else, but because it would make you look bad."

"Wow, Cap, you really don't mess around on the half dose, do you?" Ellie said. She dropped the cigarette and ground it under her boot.

"Goodbye, Dr. Fenhill." Rowan turned on his heel and walked away, and didn't look back.


	45. Half-Dose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan concocts a plan.

Rowan walked toward the port and the _Unreliable,_ and his brain kept working hard the whole time. He was fairly certain that Ellie would not, in fact, make good on her threat. But she'd made the threat, and could not be trusted. The smart thing to do would be to remove all her belongings from the ship and toss them on the landing pad. Let her go her own way and stay the hell away from him and his friends. His _true_ friends, he mentally corrected.

He realized she hadn't given him the remediatrist info. Well. It had been a long shot anyway. He was recovering on his own, with his friends' help. Occasional half-doses would keep him out of the worst danger. He could get that information later himself. He did not need Ellie.

There was the small matter that she was still a doctor. But Rowan was willing to take his chances without her. As for what she had said about Max... Ellie had proven that she lied, for fun. She'd said on Edgewater, that Rowan was "so easy to screw with", and she did enjoy doing that to people. Therefore, her statement that Max "wanted" Rowan was probably also a lie, something for Rowan to act on and humiliate himself. Now he knew better.

Meanwhile. There was Welles' work, and the Sublight job. Sublight... of course, he could recon the place - Rowan vaguely remembered that from action shows - there was no sense in risking himself by going in blind. See how difficult it might be just to get in. Find out what was happening. Because that alien story was bilky. This was either a test, to see if he'd obey directives, or Lilya Hagen was insane. It didn't matter which, the important thing was to be careful.

They'd be here on Byzantium for a few days, while he did that. Then there were the Welles chemicals. That should give his friends enough time to explore and enjoy the city as well. Rowan felt a distant twinge of sadness that he couldn't do the same. But he didn't look right, didn't act right, would stick out here as one of the poors, and be treated accordingly.

He stopped walking for a moment. Would that work? Being one of the great unwashed? Could he... it might work. He began walking again.

~ ~ ~

"You sure about this, Boss?" Felix rubbed his chin.

"I'm sure. I need to sneak into this place, and honestly, it'll be a lot easier this way," Rowan said. He was starting to come down from the half-dose, he could feel it, but Max, Parvati and Felix had all returned for evening meal, so he could discuss his plan with them. (Another evening meal of B&B. Rowan made sure to eat his while still dosed, since he didn't mind it so much then.)

"It feels sort of like we're in a serial, doesn't it?" Parvati said. She looked downright mischievous. "Everyone with their part of the plan!"

"Max?" Rowan looked at him. "What do you think?"

Max took a deep breath. "I think it's sensible," he said. "I also think when it happens, perhaps I should be nearby, in case you need assistance."

"Shouldn't we all be there, then?" Parvati asked.

Max shook his head. "Too many of us and everyone will think something's wrong. But the two of you could still be ready," he added, as Felix looked disappointed. "Ideally, the Captain will safely get in and out without anyone the wiser."

"What about the doc?" Felix asked. "She's not here. What part does she play?"

"None at this time," Rowan said. He hadn't specifically stated he'd kicked her out; but he'd told ADA not to allow her on board the _Unreliable_. He rubbed his head; the half-dose was definitely wearing off. "It's been a full day," he said. "Any more questions?"

There were none. Rowan retreated to his cabin. The thoughts that came after the drug left - it was weird, on the half-dose, how they were a lot more... vocal? Was that the word? How they sounded like an actual voice talking to him, telling him everything he'd done wrong. Was that a side effect, too?

Rowan sat at the desk, where he could look out at the Byzantium landing zone, and frowned. "ADA?"

"Yes, Captain?"

Good, she was speaking to him again. "Can people outside look into the ship, through this window?"

_They can see who you really are. They can see that you're not a good person._

"No, Captain."

"That's a relief."

"The window is polarized, with protective layers for travel through both space and planetary atmosphere," ADA went on. "Have you never noticed this, when outside the ship?"

_Do you really think you achieved anything, standing up to Ellie like that? You're not scary. You're pathetic._

"No, I never paid attention. But at least nobody will see me sleeping in here."

"Including me, Captain." ADA sounded quiet. “I did not mean for injure your trust in me.”

"...Yeah." Rowan figured she meant it. "ADA, did you ever... give your old captain any... you know, privacy? Not watch him?"

"He never specifically stated that he wanted that."

"Mm."

 _You really think your stupid little plan will work? Because you_ are _stupid. You know that. If you came up with it, it can't possibly work._

"But it’s what you want. You stated this. I will hold to it, Captain."

It would be good if ADA could help him in an emergency, if there was one. He'd hate to go back into "too depressed to move or eat" - _oh, excuse **me** , 'acedic'_ \- and she stuck to her new instructions and didn't try to help him.

"Captain?"

"If I change my mind, I'll tell you specifically, okay, ADA?" Best to keep his options open.

"Affirmative, Captain."

_Why do you even bother trying to -_

Rowan pushed back his chair. "I'm going to find my friends and watch a serial," he said, maybe a little loudly, but it drowned out the words in his head.


	46. Who Indeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Max asks an important question.

_The Masked Marketeer_ was marginally better than the other serials, if only because the action sequences were better choreographed than in those Rowan had seen so far. He got through two episodes, called for a break, and went to practice tossball moves in the hold. It was late for practice, but too early for sleep.

He remembered to stretch, sucked on the candies to fight the dry mouth from LBF, and if he focused very hard on drills and moves, he could just about drown out the bad thoughts. With nobody around to get hurt, Rowan swung as hard as he could, lashing out with the stick, beating back the darkness.

At last he paused, sweating, out of breath, but he did feel better. He looked up, saw Max watching him, holding a bottle of something, and Rowan jerked back out of surprise, dropping his stick.

"I thought I'd check on you," Max said, walking toward Rowan as the latter picked up the stick. "You seemed... to use your word, _productive_ , this afternoon."

Rowan didn't look at Max. "I had to take a half dose."

"Knowing how hard you're trying to avoid using it at all, you must have had good cause." Max handed Rowan the bottle of Glacier Water.

Rowan gave a short laugh. "No, I just make bad choices."

Max frowned at him and crossed his arms. Rowan opened the drink and chugged half of it.

"Who told you such a thing?" Max said at last.

Rowan looked at him, unsure what he meant.

"Who told you that you make bad choices? That you are, in your own words, a fuckup? That you're worthless?"

"Max, I mean... it's true. It's all true."

"None of that is true. But you believe it. And you told me yourself, if you hear something often enough, you will eventually believe it. So who told you those things, so often that you now believe them?"

Rowan stared at Max. He hadn't - but -

"Who hurt you like that, Rowan?"

"I - " Rowan stared at nothing. He'd never thought of it like that. He'd always been the fuckup, always made mistakes, always - he couldn't think. Even the voice in his head was silent. He just -

"You are none of those things," he heard Max say. "And you shouldn't keep saying them."

It felt like the room was suddenly spinning.

_Who told you these things?_

_You were a mistake from the start_.

Rowan let Max take his arm and steer him to sit on an empty metal shipping crate. He felt - he - he couldn't think properly.

_If I say it often enough, maybe I'll believe it._

"Rowan?"

"I..." Rowan swallowed hard. "I never... I never thought – about it like that."

Max put an arm around his shoulders. "I suspected as much."

They sat that way for a while, as Rowan tried to process this. Why was it such a shock? Because he'd never questioned it. Because that's the way it had always been. He realized he still held the bottle of pop, and drank some more of it. Maybe that would help with the dizziness.

"This is the first time I've ever seen you practice by yourself," Max said, apparently out of nowhere.

"I," deep breath, "I thought - it might help."

"It often does," Max said. "I'm proud of you for remembering."

Rowan looked at Max. Proud of him? For that?

Max nodded. "You didn't just hide away in your room. You made the effort. You watched a serial with Parvati and Felix, so you wouldn't be alone. You came here. You want to get better, even if you don't realize it."

Rowan wasn't sure he could handle many more revelations today. "...Thanks, Max."

Max squeezed Rowan's far shoulder.

"I don't..." Rowan wasn't sure if he should say this. "I don't think, that... not saying those things is going to make me better, though."

"No, it won't," Max agreed. "You should still see that remediatrist, if it can be managed."

That was sort of comforting. It meant he hadn't just been stupid for not realizing he could do things differently all this time. Even if it meant his head was still messed up. Even if he'd never be able to see a remediatrist. Rowan leaned his head against Max's shoulder, just for a few seconds, before straightening again. Max may not want him, but was still kind to him. "Thanks, Max. You're a good man."

Max snorted, amused. "Some might say otherwise."

"I believe you are."

Max squeezed Rowan's shoulder again, and they sat that way for a while, in silence.


	47. Out of Spoons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan feels like he's had one of those days.

Rowan felt entirely out of processing power to deal with anything else today. He tried washing his hair with that ridiculous little bar of soap; why was Halcyon so against any way to wash your own hair? At least there was water. Maybe he should just go to bed right after this. Might be a good time for it. The voice in his head hadn't come back, and he was certainly tired enough. He'd have the wild dreams, but so far they hadn't been full-fledged nightmares.

So far.

Rowan ducked his head under the spray and scrubbed at his scalp. He still had to tell the crew about Ellie, too. He didn't regret that one bit. She was gone. Toxic person, out of his life. He was pretty sure the others wouldn't argue about it.

Time to stop and get ready for bed. Rowan toweled himself off. Go to bed and things would be better in the morning. And they really would be, he mentally insisted. If what Max had said was true, then he had to start thinking positive. If he repeated it enough, he would believe it. Right? Because it had sure happened with the negative.

Rowan looked at himself in the mirror. He probably should start now, but he looked as tired as he felt. “Things will be better tomorrow,” he told his reflection, and felt a little silly for doing so, but it was a start.

He needed new clothes, so badly. Or at least maybe another pair of shorts so he could get from the shower to his cabin. Instead, Rowan wrapped his towel around himself. He'd just be going right to bed anyway.

He was almost to his cabin when he heard Max calling for him, or rather, "Captain". Rowan groaned. He had no desire to deal with new problems, and hoped this was nothing important. "I'm up here, Max." Go - Law, it felt like the most he could open his eyes was halfway.

Max met him at the door to the captain's cabin. "Ellie is outside," he said.

Rowan leaned his head backward and groaned. "She can go to hell," he said.

"It's 'to the void'," Max said.

"Max, I'm tired, she's not getting back on this ship. She _used_ me. I'm not dealing with her anymore." Rowan shook his head.

"She says she has information about a remediatrist for you."

"She's probably lying," Rowan said. "And anyway, she can give it to you, she doesn't need to come on board the ship for that." He paused. He wasn't sure if there was a way for Max to get it from Ellie without opening the airlock, and she could probably get in then. Right? He shook his head again and leaned against the cabin doorframe. "I want to go to bed."

"Is this related to the half-dose today?" Max asked.

"Yeah. It is. Because of her," Rowan said, with real venom in his voice. "And I don't want to deal with her any more. Never again."

Max nodded as if this matched up with other information. "I'll talk to her about the contact information," he said. "Get some rest, Captain."

It occurred to Rowan that he could ask ADA to listen in on the discussion for him. But that was the same as spying on them, and anyway: he didn't want to deal with any of this anymore. He went into his cabin, closed the door, and walked to the bed.

"ADA?" he said, as he dropped the towel and climbed into bed. The hell with getting dressed. He was just _tired_.

"Yes, Captain."

"She's still not allowed on this ship."

"Affirmative, Captain."

He hadn't told ADA the details either. Well... it wasn't necessary. Not tonight.


	48. Infiltration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the plan begins.

Rowan felt terrible the next morning: afterimages of the vivid near-nightmares, the drug-over from the LBF half-dose, the showdown with Ellie, his mouth felt moldy... at least he didn't have to go anywhere. Today his crew - his friends, his _real_ friends - were taking care of things. He just had to wait for them all to play their parts and return.

He finally ate a quarter-can of B&B before giving up on that; it would at least keep his stomach from revolting with hunger. (Revolting because B&B was revolting? Yes.) He looked over his clothes; the shirts were both starting to wear thin at the elbows, and a seam had split down the side of one of them. Rowan didn't know how to fix that, but he'd have to, because this was it. Yeah, he definitely looked out of place in Byzantium, if this is what he was down to. A real hobo.

Rowan took a deep breath. No. He was supposed to not do that anymore. Okay. He looked at the split seam. Thinking positively wasn't going to fix that, though. So... ask the others, when they got back, if any of them knew how to fix it.

God, or Law, or whatever, they needed money. So far ADA hadn't mentioned anything about fuel, so Rowan had to assume that wasn't a problem, maybe the… crystals or fusion rods or whatever had been topped off at Groundbreaker. So they only had to worry about food and water and maintenance and not wearing their clothes down to shreds.

If he knew anything about the computers here, he could've... done Ellie's insurance fraud, except taken all the money for himself. Rowan smiled sourly and shook his head. Yeah. Like she wouldn't have killed him immediately, assuming he could've even done that.

But what she said about Max... No. She was just jerking Rowan around when she said that. Max was a good man, possibly the best friend Rowan had ever had - tied with Felix and Parvati - but, no. He didn't want Rowan like that.

Did he?

Probably not.

"Enough of that," Rowan said aloud. If no one was here, he didn't need armor, he could save his remaining intact shirt and do tossball practice shirtless. Because he should keep practicing, not fall behind.

Rowan left his two tossball cards on the desk where they'd be safe, and went to practice in the hold.

~ ~ ~

Parvati returned first, when Rowan was dressed again. "I was able to get everything you asked for, Captain," she said proudly.

Was it awful that he was happiest about the jumpsuit, because it wasn't threadbare? "This is great!" He held it up against himself; looked like it would fit. "And you didn't have any trouble?"

"No. Like you said, everyone thought I belonged there." Parvati set all the small items on the table. "This is exciting, Captain!" She grinned at him. She was adorable.

"Really? Well... good!" Rowan smiled back. "I hope it all works."

"I think it will. Felix is right, this is like a serial, except we're living it."

"Let's hope it's got a happy ending."

~ ~ ~

Felix snuck his way back into the Unreliable, acting how Rowan thought one of the overwrought serial performers must. "Mission accomplished!" Felix said, deadly serious, his voice lowered, even though this was the kitchen. Then, in his more normal voice, "and nobody saw me, either."

"Fantastic." Rowan was feeling much better by this time; it seemed this plan, concocted on the half-dose, might actually work. "And Max?"

"I almost didn't find him, but I did, and told him how it went." Felix too was grinning. "This is gonna be amazing, Boss. I wish I was going in with you, though."

"I know, but... I really hope it's going to be just recon this time."

"We need some kind of communicator!" Felix enthused. "So you can let us know if you need us to save the day. Or make a rescue. Or just to show up and look threatening. I can do that real good now." Felix made an expression to prove it.

"You've got it," Rowan said. "You do that while you're armed and people will take notice."

"Zorch! Thanks, Boss. And seriously... you have to figure out a way to let us know if we need to get in there."

~ ~ ~

"ADA? Has Max - "

"No, he is still not back, Captain. Perhaps you'd like to wait by the airlock?"

"Sorry, ADA." Rowan stood in front of the big curved window, looking out. Sure, this is probably the way Max would return, and Rowan would see him, but if he came back by a different way -

"Captain. I have already agreed to inform you as soon as he enters."

"I know..." Rowan exhaled noisily. "I'm just nervous, is all."

"He did have the most risky part of the preparation."

 _Thanks for reminding me._ "It just feels like he should've been back by now." And if something had gone wrong, it was Rowan's fault, and -

"Vicar DeSoto is competent and, according to him, has the skills needed to do his task," ADA said neutrally.

"I know."

"And, should the occasion arise, he can resort to violence."

"I... yes. Uh." Rowan rubbed his cheek. "He's not a vicar anymore."

"Interesting. He dressed as one when he left the ship."

"Yeah." Neither Rowan nor Max had been keen on that, but since Max hadn't officially tendered his resignation, and the OSI had status everywhere in Halcyon, it made the most sense for Max to dress the part while on his part of the - the mission, Rowan supposed it was. "Maybe he just... met with some other OSI and had to go out for drinks."

"That is possible."

Everything was fine, Rowan told himself. Max was just running late. Nothing worse.

~ ~ ~

Max returned at last, and Rowan stopped himself from asking why he was so late, what happened, was everything okay. Of course everything had to be okay. If something had gone wrong, Max wouldn’t return, instead there’d be a whole lot of Byzantium police knocking on the door.

“Here you go, Captain,” Max said, handing over a beat-up lanyard and ID card in a thick plastic sleeve. “I took the liberty of making it look well used.”

“Good idea. Thanks, Max.” He could do this at any time now. Rowan looked around at his crew, his friends. “Okay. I’ll… get things started. If you three want to stay nearby… just try not to attract attention,” he said, and winced inside, because only Max looked appropriate to this place, and that was because he was in OSI robes again.

“We’ll be fine, Captain,” Parvati said. “And anyway, I think we want to know as soon as possible how this turns out.”

“You’re telling me!” Felix said, grinning. “This is – hey, after this is done, we gotta write it down. So we’ve got the record for the future serial they’re gonna make of us.”

Rowan had to laugh at that. Always the optimist. “Just be careful,” he said. “I mean it. I don’t want anything to happen to any of you.”

~ ~ ~

The guard looked over “Alex Hawthorne”’s ID badge and scanned it again. Rowan outwardly wore a “yeah, sure, whatever, look I gotta get to work” expression; inside his heart felt like it would hammer right out of his chest.

This time the scanner bleeped instead of grunted, and the guard handed the badge back to Rowan, who put the lanyard around his neck. “Don’t see why they couldn’t wait a day for the automechanicals to get fixed,” the guard said.

“I just go where they tell me,” Rowan said. “They said come here and clean up. I don’t know when the automechanical will be working again.”

“Ain’t that the truth. Okay, fine. Go in.” The guard waved him through.

Felix had bashed enough automechanical cleaners that there was now a shortage in the city, not that that had been too difficult, given the frequent breakdowns. The fake ID Max had made, and some computer work to generate a work order, and now this lab needed a janitor until its regular automechanical could return. Parvati had stolen the jumpsuit, mop and cleaning supplies. Well, Parvati wouldn’t say stolen. Just borrowed for a few hours.

Rowan cleaned; he wanted to figure out where he was and what was going on. This whole area was way above his pay grade, even before the _Hope_. He wanted to look like he was supposed to be there. Also boring, not very bright, and nonthreatening. He hoped he’d achieved those.

Cleaning, cleaning; he got absorbed in the work. He’d done this sort of thing for years, after all. He remembered to check the time after a while, realized thirty minutes had passed, and also that the guard, who had “just wandered by” several times, hadn’t been around. Maybe she’d decided he really was just a boring janitor.

Rowan made his way deeper into the lab, and found the fake door easily, because when one spends enough years looking at floors, one figures out wear patterns and how, following same, one of these walls is not like the others. He found the terminal connected to it, opened it, and rolled his upright of cleaning supplies through to the elevator.

He felt strangely unworried. A little nervous, yes. But not panicky. Was that him getting better? Or, more likely, an anomaly? Rowan took a deep breath, exhaled, repeated. He was in a stable state of mind and that was good enough for him.

The elevator stopped. Rowan waited for the door to open, stepped out of the elevator, and –

“That’s far enough!”


	49. The Chimerist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan is let in on a terrible secret.

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” A scientist faced him, Rowan recognized the uniform type by now. Her hair was in a bun so tight that Rowan wondered if it hurt. 

“I’m here for cleaning,” Rowan said. Stick to “dumb janitor”, play it safe. “Because the automechanicals are broken – “

The scientist shook her head. “No. You’re not allowed down here. I don’t know how you got here, but you need to turn around right now and get out.”

“Doctor Chartrand,” Rowan said, hoping this was her. “I need to talk to you. It’s urgent.”

If anything, that made her blanch. “Are you from the Board?”

“No, I – “ Rowan swallowed. “Lilya Hagen sent me to – I need to talk to you.”

“Hagen? Never heard of her. What’s this all about?”

“Doctor Chartrand, please, is there somewhere safe we can talk?” Rowan dreaded a guard, any guard, coming to see who’d taken the secret elevator. “It’s – I was on HS-1084.”

That did it. She went very still. They stared at each other for a long moment. “Come with me,” she said at last.

~ ~ ~

It appeared a secret lab did not have many actual secret places of its own. The two of them took up most of the space in the single-person privy, with the sink running to mask their voices.

“Tell me what you were doing on HS-1084,” Chartrand said, as soon as she deemed it safe.

“I was sent there by Sublight Salvage,” Rowan said. “I – I found some people there, in – in stasis.”

“Oh Law.” Chartrand put a hand to her head. “And this Hagen woman?”

“She’s head of Sublight. The, uh, boss. She hired me to… to do the thing that made the station property of Sublight,” Rowan said, and wished he had better news for her.

“I saw someone accessed my files there,” she said. “And then I lost access. So that was Sublight.”

“That was probably me,” Rowan admitted. “Looking in the files, I mean.”

“I thought you were from the Board, come to kill me.”

Rowan didn’t know a good way to say “same task, different boss”. “Why would the Board want to kill you?” He already knew Hagen’s side.

“To keep me quiet.” She sighed, and leaned against the wall, next to the toilet. “But if you didn’t know that… so what do Sublight and Hagen want with me?”

“Um…” Rowan swallowed. “Lilya Hagen thinks you’re an alien trying to kill humanity, and ordered me to kill you. I think she’s crazy,” he added quickly. “I’m no killer. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. And, I had to know, Doctor Chartrand, about those people in the pods, on HS-1084. Are they going to be okay?”

“That’s a lot to throw at me all at once,” Chartrand said. “I have no idea what Hagen is thinking, and maybe you don’t either. I’m no alien, I’m not trying to destroy humanity, I’m trying to save the colony.” She looked directly at Rowan. “My team… please tell me you didn’t move their suspension tanks.”

“I didn’t.” Rowan wanted to look away, like this was his fault somehow. Maybe it was. “But I don’t know what Sublight did. I… I asked them to… to try to save them. The scientists, I mean. I hoped that Sublight would, would see them as valuable.”

“Oh, Law,” Chartrand said again, and slid to sit on the closed toilet seat.

“I’m sorry,” Rowan said, and oh did he mean it. “I’m so sorry.”

“My team,” Chartrand sniffled, her face in her hands. “Such great minds. Reduced to salvage.”

Rowan didn’t think he could feel any lower. He’d known, then, that he shouldn’t give them to Sublight, and yet – and yet he hadn’t had a choice. Sure, in theory he’d had a choice. Save them or save himself and his crew. “Why were they in the pods? Why were they experimented on?”

Chartrand lifted her head. “We were testing, trying to prove that the colony could survive the oncoming crisis.”

 _What, another one?_ Or maybe this was all part of Halcyon staggering toward collapse. “What crisis?”

“This may be hard for you to believe,” Chartrand said. “I know the Board wants to keep people from knowing.”

 _She thinks I’m a native,_ Rowan realized. “Try me. I think I’ll believe you.”

Chartrand sat up straighter. “The crops we brought from Earth don’t give us the nutrients we need. We’re starving.”


	50. Science Lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dr. Chartrand tells Rowan the awful truth.

“Starving,” Rowan repeated. Suddenly the terrible food made all kinds of sense. It was literally terrible at being food. “Why aren’t the crops good?”

She gave him a weird look, maybe it was how he asked? “The plants are designed for Earth soil and conditions. Even though Terra-2 is habitable, it has different nutrients and content than any on Earth. The plants will grow here. They do grow. But they don’t carry the nutrients humans need in them, in sufficient amounts. They have some,” she added. “If they had no nutritional value, this would’ve been addressed years ago. But they don’t have enough to keep people in good health. Once you’re weakened, it’s so much easier for something else to finish you off. An accident because you’re slower, or not thinking straight, or disease. Or just plain malnutrition. It’s harder for babies to happen and children to grow, and it scales up from there.”

“Then… how has the colony gotten along this far?” Rowan asked.

“Because you can make up for low-quality food with lots of it, up to a point. The key is, _up to a point,_ ” Chartrand said. “We’re past that point. There isn’t enough of it, and by now the nutritional value is so poor that it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Rowan thought back to his visit at the Groundbreaker clinic. _Looks like you’ve lost weight recently._ Because he’d been a normal, healthy weight, or maybe even more than that, before the Hope, and then… it didn’t matter whether he ate that stuff masquerading as food, or not. Either way, he’d lost weight fast, and that’s what they’d noticed, wasn’t it? Not that he was thin. Everyone here was thin. Rowan had heard, if you lost weight too fast, people could tell.

…And now he knew why he hadn’t seen so much as an overweight person in Halcyon, or even close to it.

“Is there any hope?” he asked. Because Halcyon was alone. Nobody was coming to save them.

“That’s my research,” Chartrand said. “There are other teams. Some are trying to adapt food crops, but I don’t know that that will work – they’ve been working on that for years now. The soil is just bad for us.”

Adelaide McDevitt, in Edgewater. She’d gotten crops to grow and be nutritious because they were fertilized with human corpses. Human nutrients going into plants humans ate. And when they ran out of corpses? What then?

“My team’s research,” Chartrand was saying, “went at it from a different angle. We can’t terraform Halcyon. We tried that, and it failed. Instead, humanity needs to change, to be able to eat, and survive and thrive on, Halcyon biomass. If we can eat plants and animals that are native to Halcyon, and get those nutrients, then we can survive. We can even keep eating the current crops we have, if we can just utilize what they have.”

That researcher Anton Crane and his diet toothpaste. To force people to eat less. When if anything they needed to eat more, but there wasn’t enough food anyway, and –

“So… you’re trying to modify humans,” Rowan said slowly, hoping he understood right. “Changing humans so we can eat the food, instead of trying to change the food.”

“That’s right.”

“But… why your team? Why did you test on them?”

“There wasn’t anyone else.” Chartrand’s voice sounded desperate. “We need human test subjects. The Board… would have supplied some, but… it wouldn’t have been…”

Prisoners, maybe? Or “volunteers”? People who weren’t valued in any other way, maybe. Chartrand was too ethical for that. 

“So we experimented on ourselves,” Chartrand finished. “And now we’re down to me, and whatever else I can manage.”

“The Board is backing this, right?” Rowan asked. “They can’t just… they have to know what’s happening.”

“They know, believe me. Years ago, we – my team – sent a message out on the _Cornelius Vanderbilt_ , asking for help, any advice, anything, from Earth. We never heard back.”

Had the message ever gotten through, Rowan wondered. But it made no sense for the Board to kill its own colony. They were here too. If Halcyon went down in flames, so would the Board. On the other hand, people were known to make really stupid decisions in the name of pettiness or selfishness.

They sat in silence. Rowan wondered if the guards would notice Doctor Chartrand’s extended bathroom break.

“Sublight wants you to kill me,” Chartrand said, interrupting his thought. “Please don’t.”

“I can’t,” Rowan said, putting as much force as he could into those words. “I’m not a killer. I mean it. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I didn’t believe that alien story. I think Lilya Hagen does. But no, I won’t kill you. I never meant to.”

“Thank you.” She folded her hands in her lap, bent her head and sighed. “I’m the last one working on this.”

Phineas Welles wanted him to revive the colonists, Rowan remembered. Good thing he hadn’t done that yet. There was definitely no support for them here. There never would be.

“Is there _any_ hope?” he asked again, in a quiet voice, hoping for a different answer. Everything felt sort of… gray and washed out.

“I’m still far from the breakthrough I need. But right now I’m the only chance. The Board is supporting me at least that much. They know we have to do something.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Rowan asked. Anything to stave off what was coming. Please.

Chartrand shook her head. “Thank you for giving me the warning about Sublight. I’ll drop an ear to Security that we need to move, and that this Lilya Hagen might try again. You won’t get in trouble, will you?”

Rowan shrugged. “She’s kind of crazy, and… if the colony starves, it doesn’t much matter, does it?”

“I suppose not. Thank you for hearing me out.” She held out her hand. Rowan managed to shake it in that strange Halcyon way without messing it up too much. “Believe me, I’m working night and day on this.”

“I’m sorry,” Rowan said. Sorry for Hagen, for Sublight, for the _Hope_ , for everyone currently in a slow death in this colony.

“Thank you,” Chartrand said again. She stood, and Rowan followed suit. “You’d better go. I don’t think we’ll meet again.”

“No, I don’t think so.” And he probably didn’t have a future with Sublight after this, either. But that was fine. He couldn’t kill anyone. “And, Doctor, I wish you the best of luck.”

“May the Grand Plan guide you, Mister… I never got your name.”

Rowan nodded. “It’s Dane.” Alex Hawthorne, Captain of the _Unreliable_ , and current janitor impersonator, might be traced. Rowan Dane didn’t exist.

“Thank you, Mister Dane. And be careful.”


	51. Priorities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rowan comes to some conclusions based on the information he has at hand.

So. They were all going to die.

Rowan sat in the dark in a supply closet on the main floor, where he figured he wouldn’t be noticed. The guards wouldn’t stoop to doing menial cleaning work, the scientists – he hoped it was more than just Dr. Chartrand – had real work to do, and he was the only janitor assigned here right now, human or otherwise.

Rowan had guessed Halcyon was staggering toward collapse, but he’d assumed that at some point people would rise up, do an overthrow maybe. Or maybe everything would break down and society would band together in little petty tribes. Either way, life would have gone on.

But if Dr. Chartrand was right – and Rowan had no reason to doubt her, despite Lilya Hagen – then it wouldn’t matter. They’d all starve to death no matter what happened.

Rowan was surprised at how calm he felt about it. Maybe calm wasn’t the right word. Resigned? Slightly numb? At any rate, he didn’t feel any panic. Why wasn’t he? They were all going to die, that was a pretty good reason to panic. Maybe it just hadn’t hit home yet. Maybe it was too big for his mind to take in all at once.

Welles’ mission to save the colonists? Waste of time. At least where they were, they wouldn’t starve to death. They’d probably still die, but unaware, which sounded better than the current situation.

_I knew I was right about the food._

So… what now? What was the point of anything? Rowan took a deep breath. Maybe Dr. Chartrand would figure out a way to save everyone, by genemodding them. Should he be scared about that? Rowan pursed his lips. Probably? But given the alternative, he’d rather live, even if he weren’t quite human afterward.

Wasn’t that a funny thing? He... wanted to live.

 _He_ _wanted to live_. And now that wasn’t going to happen.

Rowan stared into the dark.

There was a good chance all of this would come to nothing, or come too late. So. Assume the worst. They were going to die, maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but within months, let’s say. He should probably talk to Welles, tell him the bad news, let him know that the _Hope_ sleepers would keep on sleeping. Don’t waste any more time on that project.

Could the _Unreliable_ get to another star system? Could they save themselves? If he and his friends could get somewhere else, maybe they could send help back?.... but Halcyon was alone. If they could’ve gotten help from elsewhere, they would have. If the people at the top knew what was coming, and they did, wouldn’t they try to flee, too? Wouldn’t they already have done so?

Which meant it wasn’t possible. They were all stuck here. The Board might be the last to starve, but they’d still starve.

 _So what now?_ he asked himself again. _Is this any different than getting told you’ve got a terminal illness?_

Rowan took a deep breath and set his shoulders. Okay. They were all going to die. So… he might as well… dammit, he couldn’t tell his friends. Not yet. Rowan felt guilty about this even though none of it was his fault. He needed to let it sink in for himself first.

Chartrand had said there were multiple teams working on… different tactics, Rowan thought he remembered, and hers was “modify the people, not the crops”. (What the hell would they be modified to? Or with?) So she wasn’t the only one. They were just all failing… together.

Okay. Rowan swallowed. Find his friends, put on a good face, and try to enjoy what time was left. Lilya Hagen was unlikely to hire him for any more jobs after he refused to murder someone. So. Really out of any options for money. Maybe, when all seemed darkest, he should just take three good, full hits off the LBF cartridge and die happy.

Except he didn’t want to die. Not anymore.

Rowan patted the cartridge, in his shirt pocket under the janitorial jumpsuit. The tossball cards were there too. Rowan steeled himself. Time to – to say something to Max. Even if Max said no, at least Rowan would have spoken up. Would have tried.

It didn’t feel like scenes in shows, where someone finally worked up the courage and admitted their feelings, and then everything was all right. Because it wasn’t going to be all right. But he wasn’t panicking, so that was good. Right? And, hell, maybe Chartrand or someone would figure out a miracle. Rowan doubted it, but there was still that chance.

Why be scared anymore? What was left to lose?

He wondered if he was shaking. He felt like he might be.

 _Good pep-talk, me. Really know how to make it positive_. Rowan stood and took several deep breaths. Easy to say, ‘why be scared’, with a lifetime of being afraid to risk anything. _Think positive. You succeeded in this job, if you count ‘didn’t kill an innocent person’. You got… a better idea of why things are going to hell. You know why the food is shit. You know you have limited time left, so better make the most of it._

Deep breath, hold, exhale. _You’re going to walk out of here, get rid of the ‘suit and stuff, and find your friends, and you’re going to say everything went great, and let’s go sightseeing. And you’re going to be happy. Got it?_

Got it.

 _And you’re going to ‘fess up to Max._ Rowan twisted his mouth in a not-quite grin in the dark; another odd confession for the vicar. _And it’s going to be okay._

It could hardly get worse, right? Even knowing that just _thinking_ ‘it can’t get worse’ would likely jinx it all… how much worse could everything really get?

~ ~ ~

They were all waiting for him, despite his hopes they’d stay out of sight. Max had changed back out of his OSI vestments, and they all looked nervously hopeful – he’d returned, after all.

“Did it go okay, Boss?”

“Sure did.” Rowan smiled. _Keep up the act. All is well. I’m fine._ “Everything’s good. We’ll talk about it when we’re back on the ship.”

He was not going to confess anything to Max until they could talk privately. Rowan had limits to what he was capable of.

“Hey, we talked about getting a picture, at that,” Rowan snapped his fingers, “I forget what it’s called – the thing in the plaza.”

“Yes!” Parvati practically bounced.

“Then let’s do that, and take in the sights. I didn’t get to do any of that yet.” So what if he looked poor? It wouldn’t matter in the long run. “All of you – “ He looked around at the three of them. “I couldn’t do any of this without you.” He wanted to hug them. “I mean it. You mean everything to me.” _Don’t cry._

“Is everything – “ Max began, looking at him with concern.

“Everything’s fine, Max. Let’s go get that picture, and see what there is to see in this city.”


End file.
